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— AVANTIKA —

Avantika strode down the palace alley. In a chiffon saree she had quickly swapped for her heavy ghaghra, having put Brahmi to sleep and Kresha to sit sentry in her room, she walked towards Samarth’s chambers in the thick of the night.

They were four days from their wedding. The palace was lit up and guards and chaperones were honed in on any new stories, news, drama, developments.

She didn’t care if she set tongues wagging.

The guards outside Samarth’s room saw her and one of them turned to knock.

“Avantika Kumari padharya chhe, Rawal,” he announced.

“Aava do,” came his instant response. He didn’t care about tongues wagging either, it seemed.

The door was thrown open for her and she strode in, the heavy closing of them an echo in the silent space.

Samarth was on his bed, stretched out, his back resting against the headboard, head thrown back.

He hadn’t changed yet, still in his kurta from their mehendi, his koti open all the way.

She strode up to him, took his hand and tugged him up straight before pulling his head into her chest. His shocked breath warmed the skin over her blouse before he relaxed there, his arms coming around her.

He squeezed tight, the weight of his head going heavy on her bosom.

“It will be alright,” she caressed the hair at the back of his head.

“Mmm…”

“Samarth, I mean it. Your Papa was angry today but it was a moment. Tomorrow everybody will be in a better state of mind to talk. Or maybe after the wedding…”

“He was this angry when I took my oath.”

“Rightly so,” she pulled his head back and held it between her hands.

“Ava, I knew this was coming. Anticipated it. I will tide over it tomorrow morning but I can’t help but feel guilty tonight.”

“Guilty for what?”

“For disappointing him.”

She didn’t have a response to that. He was torn between her, his promise and his family. There was nothing that could liberate him. Nothing she said or did could change his mind.

“Any change brings friction, hmm?” She stroked her thumb under his eyes. “This change too…”

“Rajmata padharya chhe, Rawal.”

The loud words made her startle back — “Fuck!”

Samarth, in spite of the morose mood, broke into a guffaw.

“Stop laughing! What will I do now? What was I thinking?!” She panicked, rushing around his room to hide. He got up from his bed, took her arm and escorted her into his walk-in closet.

“What if she comes here?!” She whisper-shouted.

“To do what? Select my nightdress?”

Avantika pushed him out and hid in the shadows, the slit in the door giving her a view of his bed.

“Aava do,” he announced.

The door opened, then closed. She waited, breathing slow, like she used to as a child while playing hide and seek. She could hear her own heartbeat.

“Eat.”

Avantika peeped from the slit and they were in his sitting area, on his sofa, a plate of food on his coffee table.

“I’m really not hungry, Rajmata.”

She sighed, then began to mix his rice for him with her hand.

“I’m doing it, I’m doing it!” He reached for the plate. “I am not a child.”

“Sometimes you act younger than Sharan and I have to question if you are.”

Avantika stood zapped as he pulled the plate to his side and ate. Rajmata sat silently by his side while he finished. He fisted his right hand and sat back — “Happy?”

A pause, and then she asked — “Do you think I am here in this palace, in Papa’s life, in your life because I want Sharan to become Rawal?”

“No!”

“Do you think Sharan vies the position you have?”

“No, Rajmata! He runs away from it, if at all.”

“Then who gave you this idea that you or your children are a threat to anybody? How did you take me making you Rawal as penance for you to sit on a throne without your family and serve until you are done?”

Samarth looked like he didn’t want to answer. But Avantika knew he was a straightforward man. He answered a question with a straight answer to people he valued and loved.

“You relieved me of my oath but I still had a promise I made to your parents.”

“Ok. Got it. So like that day I set you free from your oath, I set you free from your promise today.”

“I am sorry…” he shook his head. “But I never considered this throne mine. It was meant for Sharan, for his future.”

“Why?”

“For your security.”

“Why?”

“For yours and Papa’s happiness.”

“Why?”

It was like her whys were bringing out things from Samarth he himself didn't know. Because now he stopped. Blinked. Lost.

“Why, Samarth?”

“Because he deserves happiness.”

“And you don’t?”

Again silence.

“Are you responsible for your Papa’s happiness, Samarth?”

“Of course I am.”

“No, you are not!”

He looked away. She reached for his jaw and pulled his face back — “Whose debts are you paying, beta?”

Avantika could feel the tectonic plates vibrating. She could feel the love of his life unravelling. How had she never seen this? How had she seen so much, and never this?

“Vaibhavi walked out of her own free will,” Rajmata declared. “And it was your Papa’s decision to let her go. How did you take the blame for what she did and make yourself the uncrowned king of Papa’s happiness?”

“It’s not like that, Rajmata…”

“You do not owe Papa, me, Sharan or the world anything. You are in this world because the world needs a man like you. You are in our lives because in spite of all our sins, we deserve a man like you. Do you understand what I am saying?”

He nodded.

She scoffed — “How many more, Samarth? How many more debts will you pay?”

“I don’t know.”

“I know,” her hand went to his shoulder and she pressed — “None. It ends here. If you do not believe me when I am setting you free from your promise, I will have Mummy and Papa come and do the same. Let them tell you that they have no sense of insecurity here anymore for me. Or Sharan. Better yet, let them tell you that you mean to them as much as Sharan does. Have you not seen it?”

“I don’t doubt that.”

“Then?”

“No,” Samarth rose to his feet, her hand falling away.

“It is decided. I am moving away with Brahmi and Ava. I’ll come back whenever you need me.

Our home will be open for you all. We will spend more time together than we do now with all our lives so busy.

You’ll see. And don’t worry about Sharan.

He will prove to be a very good king for Nawanagar. I see it in him.”

For the first time in her life, Avantika related to Rajmata. The helplessness on her face was what Avantika had lived with for many years with Samarth’s sense of righteousness. But then, Rajmata asked him something that made the tiny hairs stand on the back of her neck.

“Are you my son?”

The air in the room stilled. Samarth glanced down at her sitting on his sofa.

“Yes.”

“And you are telling me that my eldest son will not be Nawanagar’s Rawal?”

“We are going around in circles now.”

“You’re right, we are,” she got to his feet. “We are. Go to sleep now. It’s late. You have court tomorrow morning and then gruh-shanti in the afternoon.”

Avantika stood there in an anticlimactic haze as Rajmata draped her pallu over her shoulder and walked out.