Page 28 of A Forgotten Heart (Wind River Mail-Order Brides #5)

J ust before dusk, the blackened ruins of the bunkhouse came into view as Nick rode onto McGraw land. It looked how Nick felt hours after riding away from town. Gutted. Nothing left but an empty shell.

He reined Surrey in a wide circle around the debris to continue toward his cabin.

Earlier that morning, when Nick passed the bunkhouse on his way to town, he’d believed the shambles represented a beacon of hope. A Christmas sign of moving on, past the regrets holding him in place.

Now the heaps of ash looked like another mistake his brothers would have to clean up.

There was no Christmas joy. All that lay ahead for Nick was the isolation of the winter cabin.

The deal was done. He’d filed the paperwork that afternoon. Right after Elsie had shredded his heart.

The deed bulged in his coat pocket. Next to the application he had filled out last night to return to normal school. This morning, he’d thought he’d drop it in the mail. Now he realized the application had been a waste of time.

He was a rancher, pure and simple. One with responsibilities to his family that rolled ahead of him in an endless cycle. Spring and fall. Calving and roundup.

He couldn’t face the idea of finding a wife, like he’d asked Merritt to help him with. The only woman he’d ever loved, the only woman he’d ever wanted, was Elsie.

And she didn’t love him enough to choose him.

The cutting wind numbed away the sickness in his gut as he stabled his horse in his rustic lean-to and trudged to his cabin.

The squeak of the door’s hinges echoed against the cabin’s empty walls. It seemed so hollow compared to Drew’s home. Only a bed and simple dresser and table. No family. No laughter. No Christmas decorations.

Memories of decorating the big house with Elsie assaulted his brain. The way she’d shown Tillie how to make cornhusk angels and helped Jo with the bows. Sung. Laughed.

He pressed his palm to his throbbing forehead.

Forget.

He couldn’t. Not without something to keep him busy. He struck a match, casting a flickering light along the walls.

His gaze snagged on the stores for the winter cabin, stacked against the front wall. Crates of tinned beans, bags of flour, salt, all ready to sustain him until spring.

Someone—Drew?—had pulled the empty wagon outside yesterday.

All that was left for Nick to do was load it up and fulfill what duty required of him.

He hadn’t planned on leaving until after Christmas. But the idea of celebrating tomorrow morning felt suffocating.

The kids would be wild with joy. And he’d think of Elsie. Tillie would ask questions about where Elsie was. His big brothers would hover.

He couldn’t do it.

Why not leave for the cabin tonight? The majority of the supplies were ready. If he needed more supplies, he could simply snowshoe down from the isolated winter cabin and bring them on a sled.

Before he could change his mind, he went out and hitched Surrey to the wagon.

The sun had almost disappeared below the horizon as Nick carried out the first crate of beans. Patch trailed behind him.

Crate after crate, blood pumping, he carried them out to the wagon, filling the bed.

With only a couple of loads left, he stepped outside, two large bags of flour in his arms.

“What’re you doing?” Isaac asked, startling Nick.

Just behind him, Isaac stood, his horse tethered to a post. Nick hadn’t even heard his brother ride up.

Isaac crossed his arms. “Thought you weren’t heading out until after Christmas.”

Nick ignored him. Or at least tried to, but Isaac blocked his path to the back of the wagon. “We didn’t see you ride through. Everyone’s waiting over at the main house.”

Nick shoved the bags into Isaac’s chest. “What for?”

With a grunt, Isaac caught the bags before they fell. Nick spun around and headed for the next load.

Behind him, Isaac called, “Wanted to know how things went with?—”

Nick slammed the door before Isaac spoke Elsie’s name.

Why did his brothers have to be so nosy?

He heaved the last load in his arms, an ache penetrating his shoulder. He’d healed up over the past few days. Had he overdone it with the loading?

Isaac waited, leaning against the wagon. Bothering Nick. “It went that good, huh?”

Nick wanted to slug him, but he chucked the final crate into the back of the wagon instead. Ignoring his brother’s scowl, he turned toward his cabin. He only needed to grab his satchel, then he’d be out of there.

“Hey. Slow down.” The gruffness of Isaac’s tone cut through the frigid air. Nick charged ahead, but Isaac grabbed his arm.

Jerking his arm free, Nick whipped around.

“What happened?” Isaac demanded.

Nick knew his brother wouldn’t give up. “She’s engaged.” Saying the words aloud provided a punch of pain.

Isaac’s brows pinched together. “Come again?”

Nick put his hands on his knees to keep from keeling over, his breath coming out in streams of fog from his mouth. “Yep, she’s engaged. I surprised them right in the middle of the city slicker’s proposal.”

Isaac put his hands to his hips. “But she looked at you like you hung the stars. Did you misunderstand something?”

Frustration surged, and Nick pushed off his knees to stand straight. “Yes, Isaac, because a man holding her hand while offering a wedding band might be asking for directions.”

Isaac scratched his beard, his eyes contemplative. “Something ain’t right. She loves you. Everyone here could see it. Even Clare mentioned it.”

A memory of Elsie standing on the boardwalk, eyes pleading with Nick to understand, flitted through his mind.

That was the problem. He did understand.

He knew the little girl she’d once been.

The young woman who’d only wanted to belong in her adoptive family, to be accepted.

If marrying Nelson would truly make her happy, Nick wouldn’t stand in her way.

How could he? She’d wanted one thing ever since she was a little girl.

Nick shook his head. It wasn’t his place to share about Elsie’s troubles with her ma. Elsie hadn’t chosen him five years ago, and she wasn’t choosing him now.

Nick walked into the cabin.

He closed the door, then stuffed a spare shirt and long johns into his satchel. He wouldn’t need much else.

He reached for his copy of Around the World in Eighty Days but stopped.

He didn’t need that either.

He went back outside, whistling for Patch.

Isaac took one look at Nick’s satchel and chased after Nick toward the wagon. “Whoa. We’re not done talking.”

Nick tossed his satchel in. “I’m done.” At his signal, Patch bounded into the wagon bed.

“Nick…”

Before Isaac could say anything else, Nick climbed up to the buckboard seat. “Tell the others I love them.”

With a snap of his reins, Surrey started across the pasture. The rising moon illuminated his path toward the winter cabin.

Hours had passed since Elsie had watched Nick walk away from her.

Again.

Twilight fell outside the window of her classroom, casting shadows over the room. She should head home. The deputy that Marshal O’Grady had assigned to walk her home had checked on her twice already.

Instead, she sat at her desk, gazing at the empty chairs pushed against the walls to make room for the Christmas social tomorrow night, the decorations only half done. The same way Merritt had left it when Elsie had asked to be alone.

Her tears had dried up long ago, and yet Elsie could still feel their salty residue on her cheeks.

After Nick had left, Arnold had come to stand beside her on the boardwalk. She hadn’t explained. Only asked him to walk her back to the schoolhouse. He’d seemed to understand that she needed time.

The pine boughs remained draped over the chairs, not yet hung, but their aroma reminded her of what she should be doing.

In her hand, she held the sweet little note written in clumsy pencil left on her desk before break.

Miss Achson, you the best teachr I evr had.

Signed, Wyn. The kindergartner who sat in the front row. The one who Timothy, second grade, pestered constantly by pulling her braids. The one who struggled with spelling but was very quick with arithmetic.

The ache swelled and captured Elsie’s breath. Wyn would forget about Elsie before long.

Elsie smoothed her thumb over Wyn’s rendition of Miss Atchison. She would have to leave little Wyn. She’d have to leave all of them. With Nick in the area, she couldn’t stay here. He’d walked away with such finality resonating in his boot steps that she knew he’d never forgive her.

He’d look for a wife again. Maybe ask Merritt to continue finding him a mail-order bride. Staying in Calvin and watching a wife on his arm would kill Elsie’s heart completely.

She had no choice. She’d leave Calvin and find another teaching post.

A knock sounded on the door. Arnold let himself in, still looking fine in his tailored suit. He wasn’t smiling this time.

Elsie stood. She could only hope her eyes weren’t as red as they felt.

He stayed by the door, as if waiting for an invitation to come closer. “I wanted to check on you.”

She took a deep breath. “I owe you some answers.”

He glanced down at his hat in his hand, then back up, his expression kind. “The only one I really need is a yes to my proposal.”

He stayed in the doorway but kept watching her with an intent look.

“Elsie, you’re special. Maybe I took too long to express how deep my feelings run, or maybe I didn’t say it with eloquent words, but…

” He sucked in a long breath. “The truth is, I don’t care about some cowboy or what must’ve passed between you. I want to marry you. Take care of you.”

Her inhale wobbled.

They were the right words, only…the wrong man.

Truth welled inside, and she couldn’t contain it any longer. “Nick isn’t some cowboy. Not to me. He’s so much more than that.”

The bare truth in the words resonated. She’d been so worried about hurting Arnold, making things worse, but with that first truth out, the rest of it came more easily.

“I knew Nick in college. We were…we were sweethearts, but we parted ways.” The words tumbled out like they’d been held back for too long.

Arnold listened.

“I never thought I would see him again, but his family’s ranch is here in Calvin—” She cut herself off before she revealed the days they’d been stranded together. Those memories were special. They were hers alone. “Spending time together made me realize I…I…” She inhaled. “I still love him.”

The impact of her words left her trembling. She clenched her hands to her stomach. She hadn’t even admitted it to herself until this moment.

She loved Nick. And she’d hurt him by not being able to instantly refuse Arnold, by keeping secrets. How could she ask him to forgive her when she’d done so much damage?

Arnold didn’t seem angry. Only contemplative. “I don’t believe that I mistook your affection for me. Not over the several months we corresponded.”

Elsie pressed her palms onto her desk. This was part of why she liked Arnold so much as a friend. He wasn’t afraid to argue for what he wanted, but he was gentle and kind about it. “I care for you, but not like a wife should. I think of you as a dear friend.”

It had never been more obvious than in those moments on the boardwalk. She hadn’t thought of Arnold once after Nick’s arrival. Her entire focus had been on Nick.

One corner of his mouth pulled in a chagrined smile. He closed the space between them. “I was hoping to hear something different. But, Elsie, friendship can be a great foundation for a marriage to be built on.”

Tears burned the back of her eyes again. She wanted more. She wanted love. “A friendship isn’t enough to sustain a marriage. Besides I…I want to continue teaching.” A choked laugh that sounded almost like a sob released from her throat. “I love everything about it.”

Arnold tapped his fingers on the nearest desk, thinking. “Your students will always grow up and leave you,” he said quietly. “A family—children of your own—is something I know you want.”

His words sent a pang through her. Only days ago, she’d dreamed of that. Being Nick’s wife. A family of her own. Finding a way to teach, even if she was married. She’d been foolish to dream that she could have both Nick and the job that she loved so dearly. Things didn’t work like that.

Arnold was a good friend. He knew the things she wanted. She just didn’t want those things with him.

“Just promise me you’ll think about it,” he said quickly, before she could refuse him a second time. “Give me a chance to win your heart.”

He set the ring on the nearby desk, then walked away, leaving her more confused than ever.