Page 17 of A Forgotten Heart (Wind River Mail-Order Brides #5)

It was well past dark when Nick slipped out of the bunkhouse, closing the door on a snoring David and Eli.

His bunk was a breeding ground for unwanted thoughts, and the glow of the moon didn’t help. Nor did it erase the feel of Elsie’s kiss from two days ago, replaying in his mind. The memory was turning him inside out.

And he was angry at Isaac for asking her to testify. Angrier that she’d said yes.

He entered the house, silence greeting him, then started a pot of coffee, wincing when he accidentally clanked the stovetop.

He was aware—too aware—that the reason for his insomnia was asleep upstairs in the girls’ room.

As the coffee boiled, Nick looked through the kitchen window over the sink, staring at the silver moon glowing off the white landscape. It seemed so peaceful he could almost believe they were safe.

But it was an illusion.

Just like the past four years disappearing from his memory had been an illusion.

It was as if, for a few days, his mind had created an alternate world where his hopes and dreams had come true.

And her kiss. His eyes slid closed, remembering.

It hadn’t been like the kisses they’d shared years ago. This one had come from Elsie the woman. Gone was the innocent, naive Elsie. But who was this older version of the Elsie he’d known? He didn’t know her. But some part of him wanted to.

Which was why he couldn’t sleep.

The coffee boiled over with a hiss, and he roused himself back to the present.

He couldn’t focus on her kiss. Yes, it had really happened, but so had their argument in school. Her words still rattled his core, spoken with such venom he could almost smell its vitriol.

It’s not like you mattered that much anyway.

He ground his teeth together. Those words had hit their target and made him bleed, but they competed against the memories of her snuggled close to his side in the doctor’s clinic. And of her saving his life.

The vulnerability in her eyes when he’d said he loved her?—

Nick jerked himself to the shelf with tin mugs. Anything to keep his mind from going there.

The coffee steamed as he poured, warming his inner chill.

If only she hadn’t agreed to testify against Quade. Why had she done that, anyway?

A need to protect her flared within his gut.

Ah, drat. How had he let her get under his skin? Again.

The kitchen door swung open, and Nick startled, his coffee almost sloshing over the rim of his cup.

Isaac slipped inside. He must’ve assigned himself first patrol. His hat was pulled down low to keep the wind out of his face.

He did a double take when he caught sight of Nick standing in front of the kitchen counter next to the window.

Isaac stepped close enough to whisk Nick’s coffee mug out of his hand. “Shouldn’t you be sleeping?”

Isaac hadn’t missed a thing at dinner. Nick had shown too much. Having Elsie close was like a burr under his saddle. “I didn’t make that coffee for you.”

Isaac ignored him and sipped the coffee. Nick felt the scrutiny of his brother’s direct gaze.

“So, are you going to tell me about Elsie?”

Nick rubbed his forehead to ease the persistent headache he couldn’t rid himself of. He leaned against the counter. Maybe he should forget the coffee.

“There was a time when I was lost over Clare, and you set me straight.”

He should’ve known Isaac would push.

“How come none of us knew about Elsie?”

Nick had helped Isaac muddle through his feelings for Clare, but that didn’t mean Nick needed the favor reciprocated. He didn’t want to have feelings for Elsie.

Isaac put down the coffee and widened his stance, blocking Nick’s escape to the door. “Is she the reason you left school?”

The pain, the unfairness of the situation, his failure, it all still rubbed that raw place as if it’d happened yesterday.

Weariness settled over Nick’s body. Why couldn’t he feel this tired when he lay in bed?

“I guess your silence is all the yes I need.”

Nick ran a hand down his face. Isaac wasn’t going to let this go. “Elsie and I met in normal school. And I?—”

He remembered the flutter in his stomach the first time he’d made her laugh. How his pulse had skipped as they’d decorated the school Christmas tree. Their first kiss…

But none of it had mattered in the end.

“I’ve never met anyone I could connect with on such an intellectual level. I wanted to marry her. Find a post where we’d teach together.”

Isaac nudged the mug of coffee toward Nick. “What happened?”

Nick didn’t want it anymore. Not with the way his stomach was churning. He sighed. “The dean’s son was infatuated with Elsie. He warned me to back off. I told him no.”

Isaac shrugged. “Sounds fair.”

The hollowness in Nick’s gut grew. What would his brother say about what he had to reveal next?

“Shortly after my last term started, I was called into the dean’s office.

They claimed to have a witness who saw me stealing a test. When the dean searched my room, he found the test. I was expelled on the spot for cheating. ”

He’d never forget the fire flashing through his veins at seeing the papers in Dean Sullivan’s hand. Knowing he’d been framed and was powerless to defend himself.

Pa had always said that carrying the McGraw name meant integrity. And he had brought shame to the family.

He’d thrown himself into work on the ranch, trying to forget his dream of teaching. And Elsie.

Isaac stood motionless, his face unreadable.

Nick looked at the floor. “I know it was the dean’s son who framed me. But no one believed me.”

Isaac moved to lean into the counter next to Nick. “So how does Elsie play into this? She didn’t believe your side of the story?”

Nick could barely get the words out. “The night that the witness claimed he saw me coming out of the office, I was with Elsie. Alone.”

Issac expelled a quiet “Oh.”

That was the crux of it. “Nothing improper happened. We just talked. I might’ve stolen a kiss or two. We would meet sometimes at this big oak behind the dormitories.”

Those stolen moments had been so precious.

“She was your alibi,” Isaac deduced.

Nick rubbed the back of his neck. “But if she’d admitted to it?—”

“She’d have been labeled promiscuous and expelled.”

Nick hadn’t understood until later what she would’ve risked, would have lost, by such an admission. He’d been hurt, had felt betrayed by Elsie, the dean, the system itself.

He’d wanted her to choose him. Why hadn’t he been enough?

He turned to pace, shoving his hand through his hair. “I was so angry with her. All I ever wanted was to be a teacher, and because she refused to stick up for me, I was expelled.”

But even as the words left his mouth, he heard the selfishness in them.

“You put her in a difficult spot.”

It’d taken Isaac seconds to understand what it had taken Nick years to admit.

More pieces fell into place as what she’d told him about her childhood resurfaced in his memory.

She’d been unwanted. Abandoned. Her desperation to please her adoptive parents made more sense now.

And Nick had walked away from her.

Shame and guilt clawed at his gut.

Isaac scratched the stubble along his jaw. “Seems to me she’s sticking up for you now.”

Nick couldn’t answer him, not with the way his emotions were knotted.

Isaac stared out the window like Nick had earlier. “You told me I deserved a second chance. Maybe the two of you deserve another chance?”

Nick was already shaking his head. What was done was done. He couldn’t open his heart to Elsie again.

Isaac went on, “And why don’t you deserve to go back to school?”

Why not go back to school?

Nick cleared his throat. “I have responsibilities here. And Pa warned me to not chase after rainbows.”

He could still see the disappointed expression on Pa’s face every time Pa had found him reading instead of tossing hay bales or finishing another ranch chore.

Isaac shook his head. “You think Pa never had to tell Drew to get his head out of the clouds? You know how he was horse crazy. Or that he didn’t warn me off being marshal? Pa had his own way of thinking. Doesn’t mean it was right for me. Or for you.”

Silence stretched between them.

Nick appreciated Isaac’s advice, but he was too old for normal school now. Most people there were fresh-faced kids.

Isaac thumped Nick’s back. “Try and get some sleep, little brother. This thing with Quade ain’t over.”

Nick watched Isaac leave.

For the first time, Nick wanted to forgive Elsie. Maybe already had. But that didn’t mean there was a future for them.

As Nick trudged back to the bunk house, the echo of second chances rang in his ears.

The difference between Isaac’s second chance and one for Nick was the timeline. Forgiveness was one thing, but going back in time…impossible.

Besides, Elsie had been so passionate about teaching, she wouldn’t let anything stand between her and her dream.

Including Nick. She’d never choose him over being a teacher.