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Mom clears her throat as she stands by the front door. “It’s late, kids. We should head out.” She pushes open the door, making a beeline for her car, leaving me and Axel behind.

“Hey, Axel,” I say, feigning bravery by allowing myself to stare deep into his eyes. My heart rate immediately quickens.

“Yeah?” he asks, hope sparking in his voice.

“I know we’ve both done things to hurt each other, things we can’t take back, but when we walked the halls at school hand in hand, I was proud to be by your side. When we danced at your cousin’s wedding, I was proud to be your date. I’ve always been proud of you and proud to be with you. I just wanted you to know that.”

“Okay,” Axel replies. He doesn’t smile. He doesn’t say anything else. He just nods repeatedly and readjusts his baseball cap.

“Okay?” I repeat. “That’s it? Axel, I like you. A lot. So much it scares me. The way I feel about you…it’s unlike anything else I’ve experienced.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Jamie. If it makes you feel better to tell me those things, then fine. But I’m not just some item you can cross off your list. I fell hard for you. I even…” He pauses and shakes his head. “Here’s the thing about telling someone you love them: there’s only one way to say it, but there’s a million ways to show it. And you, Jamie Taher-Foster, have a funny way of showing your feelings.”

Axel opens the door and I follow him out. I watch as he locks up, waiting, hoping he’ll say something else, but all he does is get on his bike and ride away, without looking back.

Maybe we aren’t fixable after all.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

For so long, all I wanted was my dad back in my life. And now he is.

For the last few years, my relationship with Mom has been super strained, to the point where there were times, especially lately, when I didn’t think there was any hope left for us. And now, we’re slowly building to something that feels nice and comfortable.

When Ben dumped me, the only thing I wanted was to get him back in time for winter formal. And then I did. Except I didn’t want it anymore. Because I don’t want Ben. I don’t want the life we planned out together. I don’t want any of it.

So here I am, seemingly with everything I thought I wanted, and somehow the dopamine rush I expected got lost in the mail.

I’ve tried to focus on being independent, and sure, that’s been good for me. But it’s not enough. On some level, I’ve always been pretty independent. I’m an only child. We don’t have relationships with much of our extended family. I’ve never had a big group of friends. So I’m well-versed in what it’s like to be alone, and I’ve been okay with it most of my life.

Checking some items off my bucket list by myself was a good reminder that I could spend time alone and enjoy it, but it also showed me that sharing experiences with someone by my side was just as great.

I want a partner. A best friend. Someone who makes me laugh. Someone who makes me think. Someone who challenges me to step outside my bubble and live in the moment.

I had this person.

Someone who was all those things and more. And I let him go.

But Axel made mistakes too.

“What’s on tap today?” Eli asks from the kitchen sink. He’s wearing bright yellow rubber gloves while scrubbing the soap dispenser clean.

“Not cleaning cleaning products,” I say, waiting for my uncle to shoot me one of his unimpressed looks.

He pauses and looks down at what he’s doing. “I deserve that. Anyway, I thought you turned a new leaf,” he says, looking back at me. “With the clean room and all.”

“Oh, yeah,” I say, bringing a spoonful of cereal to my mouth. “It’s not that clean anymore.”

“Good.” He shuts off the water and peels off his gloves.

“Good?” I ask, setting down my spoon.

“Yeah, good. I found the whole thing kind of…disconcerting.”

“You found my having a clean room disconcerting?”

He pulls out a chair and sits across from me. “Are we just going to continue repeating each other or will we actually move toward having a real conversation at some point?”

“A real conversation about what?” Mom asks, entering the kitchen. Amo Eli and I both bang our heads down on the table. “What did I interrupt?”