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And no number of lists or accomplishments will ever change that.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

I’ve been sitting parked in my car in the driveway for almost half an hour, waiting for my mom’s bedroom light to go off. I don’t want to see her. Because if I do, I won’t be able to hold back the deluge of emotions boiling inside of me. She’s responsible for all of this.

A loud thud on the passenger-side window causes me to scream and maybe pee myself a little.

“Jam-e? What’re you doing?” Amo Eli asks, thick brows pinched together. An annoyed sigh escapes before I open my door and step outside. He’s with Eric because of course he is. That’s what couples in a healthy relationship do on Saturday nights. They hang out together.

“I was just listening to music,” I lie.

“I didn’t hear any music. Did you hear music?” Eli asks Eric.

“Your niece is entitled to privacy, Eli. Let’s not pry,” Eric says. I want to shout “thank you,” but all I manage is a half-hearted smile.

“Fine, but have your entitled privacy inside the house. It’s cold,” Eli says, shivering. “I’ll make you hot chocolate. Or wait, it’s pumpkin spice season, isn’t it? Would you rather have that as your sad autumn girl drink?”

“I apologize on his behalf,” Eric says, guiding Eli toward the front door while I drag my feet behind them.

Eli fumbles with the keys before he unlocks the door. We all walk through the threshold and I hold in my breath, prayingshedoesn’t come down.

“Where’s Axel?” Eli asks. “I thought he was taking you to karaoke. Oops. I’m not supposed to know that,” he says, covering his mouth. I’m starting to wonder if Eli has had one too many gins and tonics tonight.

“Karaoke? Now that’s some straight-up white-people shit.” Eric laughs. “I can say that because my mom’s white. Just know neither my white nor Black side approves.”

“Wait,” I say, grabbing Eli’s arm. “You knew I was going to a karaoke bar? Did you know why?”

Eli shakes his head. “No. Well, he did tell me he wanted you to meet his friends. Flipper and Petrol? That’s all I got out of him.”

“Finn and Diesel,” I mutter under my breath.

Eli and Eric remove their shoes and head to the kitchen. “Come on,” Eli says, looking back at me. “I’ll make you that basic-girl drink. Eric loves it.”

“Ilove it? You’re the most basic bitch I know,” he teases.

“I’ll be right there,” I say, sitting on the bench and untying my boots. My phone keeps lighting up. Texts and calls from Axel. Surprised he cares enough to keep trying. Or maybe he just wants to make sure I pay him back for Betty White. Which I intend to do ASAP. No more new books. For real. And I guess this also means no more drives to and from school. I’ll have to avoid Shawarma Sitty too. And Varley Crescent. And Maple View High. I wonder: If I start digging a hole now, how long will it take before it’s big enough for me to crawl into?

“Jamie?”

Shit.

“I wasn’t expecting you home for another hour at least. Everything okay?” Mom asks, standing on the lower landing of the staircase, dressed in a fluffy pink robe. Eli bought it for her ironically and she wears it all the time.

I rise from the bench, gripping my phone. “No. Everything isn’t okay.”

She comes down the last three steps so she’s in front of me, the top of her head at my chin. How could someone this tiny be such a destructive force in my life?

“I saw him tonight,” I say, expecting her to read my mind. Truth is, I’m so angry it’s hard to formulate coherent sentences.

“Axel? Yeah. You told me you were going out with him.”

“Not thehimI was talking about.” I swallow as my heart drums against my chest.

“Ben?” she asks, like this is some sort of guessing game.

“No, Mom. Not Ben. Not Axel. Dad. I saw Dad tonight.”

Her face drops and she looks away. “Oh.”