Page 114

“Did I ah…” He exhales and runs a hand through his curls. “Did I ever, um.” He clears his throat and I study him quizzically. I’ve never seen Axel so stuck for words before. “I’m terrified of heights.”

“No, you’re not,” I say, emphatically.

“Would you like to feel my racing heart as proof?” he asks, eyebrows raised ever so slightly.

“But all the rides we went on at Wonderland. And you’ve never mentioned it before.”

“There’s varying levels of my fear and, well, being stuck halfway up the CN Tower qualifies.” He swallows and his Adam’s apple bobs up and down his throat as his eyes shift to the windows.

“Then why would you agree to perform here tonight?” I ask.

He looks down at his hands in his lap. Those hands I miss so much. I think about unspooling my sweaty fists to hold his hands in mine, but something stops me.

Something always stops me.

“I had this plan,” I say, almost abruptly.

“Youhad a plan?” He manages a half-hearted laugh.

“This one was different though because it wasn’t about me,” I say, my legs now outstretched, phone tucked away in my purse. “Or for me. Okay, it was a little bit for me, but only because Iwanted to make things right between us. I’ve been so miserable since we stopped speaking, and I’ve tried different ways to tell you how I feel but it was never about the words. Like you told my mom.”

He shakes his head, turning his body slightly toward mine. “What did I tell your mom?”

“That night we both came in to Shawarma Sitty to help you. I was taking out the trash, and when I came in, I overheard you tell her how you needed to be with someone who would shout their feelings for you to the world. Someone who would take risks. So when words weren’t enough, I hatched this plan with Finn and Diesel.”

“Hello.” The same disgruntled employee’s voice comes out over the speaker. We both look up. “Help is on site. New estimated time is twenty minutes.”

“Finn and Diesel?” he says to me, ignoring the update.

I suck in my lips, trying to level my breathing. Twenty minutes. I can do twenty minutes. I’ve got Axel and enough air—I think. I run a hand over my stomach. I haven’t had a cramp in a few minutes. Maybe it’s passed.

“Yeah. We met up and they helped me choreograph a dance, and the plan was for me to get up on the little stage tonight and perform with them to that Dua Lipa song. You know, the one you played in my room when you were trying to teach me how to dance? The one with numbers,” I say, shaking my head as the words come out fast and on the verge of nonsensically.

“ ‘New Rules,’ ” he confirms.

“Yes!” I snap. “That’s the one.”

Swirling noises sound below us as the elevator rattles slightly with the battering December winds. I squeeze my eyes shut, breathing in and out, in and out.

“I was going to get up there and dance with them, or I was going to let them dance and then I was going to get up there, I forget now,” I say, running my sweaty hands up and down my thighs. “And I was going to get a mic and I’m not sure from where but I mean, there had to be one, right? It’s not like we had a dress rehearsal. But the plan was for me to step up and start singing my own, rewritten chorus and, you know…” I nod, willing him to fill in the gaps of my rambles.

“No.” Axel leans in, trying to make me meet his gaze. “I don’t know.”

I exhale not once, not twice, but three times. “I was going to profess my love for you in front of everyone. Because that’s what you deserve. Someone who tells the world how they feel. And shows you and takes risks.” I stand quickly and open my purse to pull out the song lyrics I changed from the Dua Lipa song. My hands shake as I decide to read out the lyrics. Singing seems highly unnecessary in this moment.

“One, fake-dating plan, long drives, hold hands, official on the gram.

Two, keep seeing him, you’ll eventually fall in love again.

Three, don’t be friends with Ben, you know you’re gonna fall back into old habits…

and if you’re back with him, you’ll never find happiness.

I love Axel Da-hi-ni.

“And then I was supposed to repeat that last line three times to the tune of the song, but that feels a little awkward to do in this moment.”

I swallow, staring down at my jittery hands. Axel rises and stands so his nose almost touches mine. His familiar scent overtakes every single one of my senses and I feel my body start to relax. My shoulders lower. My heart slows. I lift my eyes to meet with his as the terrible song lyrics I wrote fall to our feet.