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Story: What I Should Have Felt
“I painted yesterday,” I quietly whispered as my fingers found the back of his hand. He turned his palm up and let me glide across roughened calluses that brought calm back to my spirit. “It’s not very good, but I haven’t felt the desire to paint in fifteen years,” I quickly added as heat rushed to my cheeks.
His gaze tracked the swirls of my fingers against his palm, but he remained silent. Everything faded around me. There was the sizzle of the crawfish boil and gentle slurp of water as a gator bellowed upon its surface. Birds squawked as the thick plants of the swamp blossomed with insects and critters of all sorts.
Silence as gentle as a feather slipped between us. He disappeared for a moment and brought back two beers. This was everything that I’d been waiting for, and as his eyes watched the crowd around us, I knew that this was everything for him too.
Not with the people from a town he hadn’t been to in fifteen years, but with the men he willingly protected at the risk of his life. His parents came and casually chatted with us for a bit, and of course, his mawmaw joined us for a while as well. He loved them. It was obvious by the way he spoke and interacted with them.
But every time one of his buddies came over, there was something deeper. Something more shared between them. I barely understood half of the jokes they shared, but seeing him light up as if he was carefree once more was worth it all.
Except for when they spoke of one name—Duncan. I hadn’t heard that name before, but there was a solemnity about them when they spoke of him. And they talked about him in past tense. Without wanting to insert myself where I wasn’t invited, I remained quiet. There was an ache that twinged through my heart as Ford’s body stiffened each time they shared something about Duncan. Whoever he was, he’d meant a lot to everyone on that team.
And during a lull, Ford voluntarily shared with me who Duncan was.
He closed his eyes and slowly blew air out of his lips. “He would’ve loved it here. Always preferred the warmer, humid climates. Plus, he was the only one who could handle how spicy I really liked to cook. I always had to tone it down for everyone else. Well, except Dom, too, but I mean, he’s a southern boy, so that’s expected.” Ford chuckled lightly and glanced down at me.
“He sounded like a wonderful man,” I gently replied.
Ford nodded, his gaze distant. “He was. He really was.”
That grief they shared would never go away. I knew that. It wouldn’t just appear during times of sadness, but would mix in with the happy moments as well. Sorrow would show up not just in the sharing of memories they had with him, but in times when they wished he were here with them.
And I knew. At that moment, I knew that we couldn’t stay here, no matter how much I may have wanted to.
“I’ll miss this,” I mindlessly muttered.
His brows stitched together, and he slipped his hand in mine. “Miss what? Where are you going?”
I giggled to myself and looked up from his massive palm. “Us. We’re going.”
The creases deepened on his face as confusion tightened the lines that I absolutely adored on him. He opened his mouth to speak.
“We’re going somewhere?” Azelie inserted before he managed to make a sound.
We both glanced to our right as our daughter skipped up holding a root beer and eyes full of wonder.
“I think we are,” I continued and looked back at Ford as he shrugged, just as confused as Azelie. His gaze turned to me as he threaded his fingers through mine. “You’ve outgrown this place, Ford. In a good way. You can’t stay here. And I don’t want to live without you. We have to go. As long as Azelie is okay with it too.”
“Go where? Like move out of Willow Roux?” Azelie gasped as Ford tipped his head and kept his gaze locked with mine. They burned with questions and excitement.
I offered him a hesitant smile.
“I don’t know how much of growth another small town is, though,” Ford muttered.
“What’s going on? What small town? Some other place in Louisiana?” Azelie inserted.
“You can say no, Azelie. You’ve grown up here, and we don’t want to take you away from your grandparents and Cory and the life that you’ve built,” I explained and finally tore my gaze away from Ford.
“You’re not talking about staying close, are you? You’re not talking about a vacation or something. You’re talking about moving. Permanently.”Her eyes darted between Ford and me. She brushed some hair stuck to her neck from the humidity as her brows raised.
“We’d find a house somewhere in Idaho or Montana. Closer to the rest of my team,” Ford explained. “But we know you finally got things going with Cory and—”
“Are you kidding me?” Azelie clapped her hands together. “I can find another boyfriend. Literally since you showed up, things have been so exciting, and I don’t want to miss out on that.” She spun in a circle.
Ford casually threw his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer toward him.
She paused and smiled up at him in a way I’d never seen her grin at anyone else. Her eyes sparkled as if she were staring at her biggest hero, and for a moment, she wasn’t fifteen, she was one again and just barely learning to walk.
“Plus, I finally have my dad,” Azelie said.
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