Page 20

“What are you talking about?” I questioned, feigning innocence, and slowly rose from my squatted position after removing my shoes.

I lifted my gaze to her, and she rhythmically rocked back and forth as her eyes closed and a smile drifted upon her lips. “Don’t worry. I never told anyone.”

“But…how?” I raised a brow.

“I’m your mawmaw. I know way more than you’ll ever realize about everything.”

“So, do you also know why I left? Like why Ireallyleft?” I cautiously asked, hoisting my rucksack up my shoulder again.

She nodded as the wood creaked with her steady movements. The clock ticked behind her in tune with each shift of the rocker.

“Why didn’t you say anything? Or call? Or convince me to stay and fight?” I asked, unsure how I was supposed to take this news. Fifteen years. I’d gone fifteen years without seeing my family, and yet, Mawmaw had known this entire time.

“Because, my boy, I fear if I’d let on I knew, things might have turned out for the worst. Besides, you know I never really cared about the feud your pawpaw and his family had with the LeBlancs. I fear you got your desire to avoid conflict from me,” she quietly explained and planted her feet firmly on the ground.

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

Her eyes opened, and it was as if I were looking in a mirror. Regret as clear as what filled my own heart haunted her gaze. “I’d hoped you’d choose differently. Every piece of me clung to that as I watched you and Colette go from innocent friends to everything more. I hoped you’d somehowbecome the fighter and protector you are now. But you didn’t, and that’s on me. I failed to help two teenagers be wild and in love. I failed to keep the damn burden of this petty rivalry from destroying something beautiful and innocent.” A tear streaked down her cheek as I swallowed whatever bubble of confusion and pain that was swelling within me.

“I don’t understand. How is any of this on you? You’re not the one who gave the threat,” I replied as her jaw began to tremble.

“No, but I knew about it and didn’t step in.”

“Mawmaw, what the hell are you saying?” I blurted out.

“I’m saying you’re not the only one who ran away from their problems when they shouldn’t have. And somehow, instead of teaching you differently, I shoved that onto you. You only became the man I’d hoped by leaving, by learning it from someone else, somewhere else.” She gave me a tight-lipped smile. “I am truly sorry.”

I stared at her as shock coursed thick through my veins. “You knew about Colette and I this entire time, you knew why I really left, and you still let—” My voice broke as it hit me. I’d never needed to leave. She’d already known. Someone else had already known. If I’d just stayed and fought like a real fucking man, none of this shit would be happening. Someone else would’ve been able to help me protect Colette.

All of the pain and heartbreak I’d caused was—

“All of this was for nothing?” I cried out. “You knew this entire fucking time? So I could’ve stayed. Colette and I could’ve had— could’ve had a damn life together.” My chest rose and fell sporadically as rage and confusion ticked like a time bomb set to go off in my heart. “But because I thought us being together would’ve gotten me or you or mom and dadfucking killed, I—” I slammed a fist against my chest. “I fucking left. When I could’ve—”

And suddenly I couldn’t finish speaking.

She wasn’t to blame. I’d made my own choice as an adult, but giving her the blame took some of the regret and burden off my shoulders.

“I could’ve stayed and been with her,” I finished as my vision blurred. “Fifteen years, Mawmaw. I destroyed everyone and everything I loved because I thought…” I paused as she remained silent.

“You were the one person I thought…” I couldn’t even bring myself to speak.

Wait. Was I being irrational? Was I overthinking this? I mean, technically speaking, only she knew. Which meant my parents still had no idea, and how much protection could I have actually offered?

I slowly shook my head. “It wouldn’t have changed anything, because of who I was then,” I finally muttered.

“Which is why I didn’t say anything, my boy,” she whispered. “Be angry at me, it’s okay. I would be, too.”

I closed my eyes. “It wouldn’t have changed anything. And we would’ve never worked because of me.” A soft snort escaped my nose. “I was a fool. And a coward.”

A gentle chuckle pierced the dense air, and I cracked my eyes open again. “You were no coward, Ford. You were young and naive, and barely eighteen. Those were and still are her parents. Even as a grown man, you still have to face them. I am sorry, Ford. But no matter how much I hoped you’d stay, I knew you couldn’t.”

I exhaled slowly, letting my shoulders fall. She was right. Too much had been at stake back then. Colette herself had been at stake, and yes, even my own life. “Mawmaw?”

She raised her brows. “Yes, sweetie?”

“What if I had stayed?” I asked.

Her chest rose, and she resumed rocking. The chair shifted back and forth slowly, once again in tune with the clock that ticked beside her. The sun blazed brightly through the window to my right, dancing sparkles across the wall where yellowing pictures hung. My gaze caught sight of the only one not hanging off kilter. The only one without a speck of dust on it. The picture in the very middle of the wall, directly centered above the couch, was mine. My military portrait.