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ONE
My dad has always said the ocean cures all. Any other time, I would agree, but I’m not sure surfing, the waves, or the salt air can cure what I’m feeling.
Lost.
Sad.
Hurt.
Confused.
The water, beach, and sand aren’t going to make any of those emotions go away, nor can it fix them. It doesn’t matter how many times I take my board out, I still feel like my life is falling apart. The only thing the Pacific does for me is give me an escape from reality.
Even my music has suffered. Although, my sister Elle says lately I’m writing the best songs I ever have. I suppose this is the bonus of watching the woman you’re in love with slip away from you.
I don’t know how else to describe what’s going on between Nola and me. Lately, it seems like I’m pushing her to do something she doesn’t want to do—marry me. I want to set a date, marry her, and start a family. I know long engagements are a thing, but I feel like there’s no end in sight. She wants to getmarried back home, which I totally understand, and don’t fault her for. My family can and will travel. They’re the only ones I would want at the wedding anyway. Them, and my band.
The one aspect of the ceremony I don’t agree on is not having my sisters in the wedding. It’s not something I can get behind. I thought for sure Nola would understand, being as she has siblings, but she’s told me her bridal attendants are already planned. I honestly don’t understand how she can’t add the twins. They’re important to me.
I often wonder if she’s jealous of Peyton and Elle.
Or maybe it’s something else.
Maybe she’s still in contact with my half sister.
I shudder at the thought. Nola promised, swore up and down, she had no idea her roommate was my half sister. I believe her now, but at the time, I had my reservations.
Earlier this evening, Nola and I went over to visit with my sisters and their spouses, who happen to be two of my closest friends. We normally go over a lot when it’s not football season because it gives us all a chance to visit. I get to see Elle all the time, but when Noah is with the team, he and Peyton live in Portland, Oregon most of the time. Sure, I go up for some of his games, but it’s not the same. I love sitting around and shooting the shit with the guys and giving my sisters crap.
Tonight, something was off with Nola. I felt it long before we arrived. I made a comment about us getting a dog, which she didn’t like, and then the tension peaked when it slipped, I’d be heading out on tour soon. I know it’s my fault for not telling her, but honestly, she didn’t have the best time during the last tour. I don’t know if it was life on the bus or what. Each place we visited, I tried to do the tourist thing so we could see some sights together and make new memories, but after a bit, she didn’t even want to leave the bus.
Of course, it didn’t help that I told my sisters Nola loved being on tour. They’re used to this life. Nola isn’t. At times, I forget this and had assumed she didn’t mind traveling in a bus. My bad for not pestering her for the truth. But also, she knew this was my life when we started dating. It’s not like my career suddenly took off. She’s been with me from the start.
Mention of the tour set something off in Nola. She left Peyton’s, opting to take an Uber home. Part of me wonders if I should’ve followed her, but another part of me told her she needed her space. I let everyone believe what Nola told Peyton—that she had homework.
Noah didn’t believe shit. I might have confided in him about the strain in my relationship, but not with my sisters there. I know the twins well enough to know Peyton would try to fix things and Elle would make sure . . . well, I don’t want to even think about what Elle might do. Ever since Ben’s cancer diagnosis, she’s changed a lot but is still protective of her family.
After leaving my sister’s, I drive around for a bit instead of going right home. Nola hasn’t called or texted asking where I am or when I’m coming home. Maybe she doesn’t care or maybe she truly did have homework and is studying. Either way, I hate this feeling of dread building inside of me.
This is a new development in our years-long relationship, the fighting and tension. I don’t know what changed, but there’s been a wedge between us since the start of the year. I thought I could ignore it, but after what happened earlier in front of Noah, I’m not sure I can anymore. The way she acted—storming out like that—it was embarrassing.
I don’t know how to handle this side of being with someone. My parents don’t fight. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen them argue. Noah and Peyton only make googly eyes at each other. Ben and Elle, while they’d had their issues, are solid. These men worship my sisters, similar to the way my dad reveres my mom. Howdo I navigate what’s going on with Nola, if those people are my examples? It’s impossible.
Where did I fail?
Where didwefail?
The answers aren’t in the ocean. I’m not going to hear voices in the waves. The only one who can tell me where I’ve failed as a boyfriend, fiancé . . . as a man, is Nola. That’s if I can get her to talk to me. Of course, I will need to go inside and put my heart on the line and ask her what’s going on.
Instead of heading toward the water, I turn down the road that’ll take me to the house I bought for Nola. I drive by slowly, wondering if she’s even home.
Is she waiting up for me or did she go to bed? If she’s in bed, do I wait until the morning to talk about what happened this evening? Or is this something we sweep under the rug until next time.
The thing is, I don’t want there to be a next time. I don’t like feeling embarrassed in front of my family.
With a heavy sigh, I pull into the driveway and shut my car off. The problem with talking is this deep-seated fear I have that I’m missing something vital in our relationship. The last thing I want to do is hurt Nola. I love her far too much to cause her any pain.
She knows I’m sitting in the driveway. Our security system would’ve alerted her to someone being outside. I finally get out and enter through the garage door. The garage is too small for either of our cars to park in, so I use it mostly to store band equipment.