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Suddenly, my shoulders feel heavy again. I rotate them to ease the load, not that it helps. "You going to spend all your time gloating, or are you going to help me out?"
"Let me think." I can hear the smirk in his voice. "I’ll take the gloating, I believe."
"Connor," I warn.
He huffs out a laugh. "Where’s your sense of humor? Or did becoming a guardian already rid you of that?"
"A guardian?" I eye the sleeping kid carefully.A guardian?
"Either the DNA test is positive and she’s yours. Or she isn’t. But considering she landed on your doorstep, and you’re the kind of guy who takes responsibility seriously… You’re going to want to play some kind of role in her life." He pauses. "Am I right?"
17
Priscilla
Doing nothing is self-care.
Especially when the ‘nothing’ is done
in a robe with snacks and zero guilt.
-Cilla’s Post-it note
The buzzing of the phone reaches me. I don’t pick it up. It buzzes again and again. Then stops. Then buzzes again.
With a sigh, I reach for my purse on the bed next to me, pull out my phone, and realize it’s my alarm. I switch it off, and drop it on the pillow next to me. Then wish I could go back to sleep.
The headache knocking against the backs of my eyes tells me I should not have had another glass of wine last night. But I couldn’t resist. Since leaving Tyler’s penthouse, I’ve thrown myself into my job, and accepting invitations to go out from all of my friends.
And yes, I’ve also started using dating apps. Not that it’s helped. Because every man I’ve met has spectacularly failed to live up to Tyler. Argh! He’s spoiled me for everyone else. And I hate that I compare everyone I’ve been on a date with to him.
I’ve ended up cancelling on dates or running out, then coming back home and spending evenings with take-out and a bottle of wine, watching my favorite series on streaming platforms. All in a bid to not think of Tyler and Serene.
The worst times are when there's a baby on a show I'm watching, or a dad who reminds me of Tyler. Then, I find myself tearing up, before scolding myself for my weakness.
It’s hard to believe it’s already been three months since I walked out of his apartment.
Later in the day after I got home, the books Tyler had bought for me had arrived. It was proof that I hadn’t dreamed up that encounter with him. Proof that I actually met the man of my dreams and lost him on the same day. It took me a week before I could unpack the books. Then I pushed them to the back of my bookshelf where they weren’t in plain sight. I hoped it would stop me thinking of him.
I’ve tried to keep myself busy, in a bid to rid my mind of thoughts of him. Not that it’s worked. Unfortunately, my dreams seem to feature him. And when I'm awake, despite my best efforts, everything seems to remind me of him. I’ve also managed not to peek at the selfie he took of himself on my phone… Okay, maybe I have peeked… Twice… Fine, a few times. But I’m not keeping count.
I also couldn’t stop myself from looking up the socials of The Sp!cy Booktok. I checked out the picture of the two of us Giorgina had posted online. We looked so happy. We looked like we were a couple.But were not.He’d made that clear.
Only good thing? I’m proud to say that I've stopped myself from reaching for my phone and calling him. If I did that, I’d never forgive myself. He has my number.
I hope he’s doing okay with Serene. I’m sure he is. He’s resourceful, after all. Of course, I wonder how he’s coping with her. Taking care of a child is a big responsibility.
I’ve been through the denial phase. And the angry phase. Then the bargaining, and the sad phase. I think I’m easing into the acceptance phase now. At least, I hope I am.
Then again, the mere fact that I still find myself fantasizing about a life with him belies my hope that I'm ready to move on. They say the stages of grief are never sequential. But I don’t want to spend any more time feeling upset about what happened.
Clearly, Tyler didn’t want me in his life. He felt a connection to me; that much, I know. But Serene arriving when she did took up a lot of his emotional resilience. He wasn’t able to think past the necessity of having to figure out what to do about her. He seemed convinced he wouldn’t have time for a relationship while he had to sort out the situation with Serene.
A part of me doesn’t blame him. That’s one heck of an emotional sucker punch he was dealt. Of course, he could have shared some of his feelings with me. But… It’s not like we were in a relationship. Not really.
Hell, we weren’t even dating. In fact, it’s not like we even had a one-night stand because we didn’t sleep together. We…fooled around a little. No, it was more than that. We had an intense connection. And I loved talking to him. I loved spending time with him. He was gorgeous, stunning even, and he swept me off my feet. And if Serene hadn't come along—I shake my head. I won’t think about that.
I gave myself a few days to nurse my broken heart—then tried my best to move forward. I told myself that if he wanted to call me, he would. If hereallywanted to reach me, nothing was stopping him. But he hadn’t. And I wasn’t going to sit around waiting for him. I decided to focus on myself. My life. I'm going to look out for me from now on. I am not going to let a six-foot-four-inch, sex-on-a-stick man occupy my thoughts and overrun my life.