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"She’s a trooper."
"And she has the best parents in the world. She’s going to be fine," Zoey says with so much confidence, it makes my heart swell in my chest.
Grace, who’s been eyeing me with growing intensity, interrupts, "What’s up with you? Tell us everything.”
I glance away, wondering how much to confide in them. Yes, they’re my friends, but these details feel so intimate. On the other hand, I feel like I need some perspective on what happened. And help in understanding my panicky reaction to Tyler’s declaration of love. So, I pop in my earbuds, then sink down on the couch, so I’m no longer in direct line of view with Tyler. Mainly, so I can concentrate on what I’m saying. Then, in a low voice to make sure I’m not being overhead, I tell them everything that happened.
From Lauren showing up, to Serene hitting her head and falling into the pool. Tyler saving her, the scramble to the hospital, and then finding out my blood type matched Serene’s. And then, of course, the big reveal of my turning out to be Serene’s biological mother. And then, Tyler’s confession that he loves me.
When I finish, there’s silence. Even the normally unflappable Grace is staring at me, open-mouthed.
Harper is the first to recover. "You’re her mother. That’s great. It’s what you wanted all along." She grins at me.
Grace widens her gaze. "It’s not that simple, is it? It’s mind-boggling when you think of the odds that something like this could take place."
"But he loves her; he told her so," Harper addresses her comment at Grace. "It may have not happened in the conventional fashion, but she has her family. Isn’t that what matters?"
"I think it's more complicated than that," Grace says again.
I watch her intently. It feels good to hear her say what’s on my mind, but I’ve been unable to voice.
"Why not?" Harper scowls. "He loves her. And she certainly has feelings for him. And they have a beautiful child. They found each other. It’s a ready-made family. And they all lived happily after."
"But did he tell her he loves her because he found out that she's Serene’s mother?" Grace’s eyes wear an astute expression.
"Is that what you’re worried about?" Zoey tilts her head.
"Partly," I admit. "Also, it might be that it all feels too new? That I’m Serene’s biological mother, and that Tyler loves me?” I rub at my temple. “Maybe it’s because I’ve wanted to hear these words from him for so long, and now, doing so is making me run scared?"
"Perhaps, you need time to accept it, is all," Harper says slowly. "I mean, you do love him, don’t you?"
I nod.Of course, I do.It’s why I’ve never gotten him out of my mind, since I met him. And yes, I want to be with him. So why am I unable to come out and tell him how I feel?
"Is it because he didn’t tell you he loved you when he asked you to marry him? And with you turning out to be Serene’s biological mother, it feels too tidy for him to tell him about your real feelings?"
I rub at my temple. "I’m sure that’s part of it too. It’s confusing, to be honest. On the one hand, nothing matters because I am where I’m supposed to be, regardless of the drama that came before it. And yet… A part of me tells me I need to wait. For what, I don’t know." I look into the screen and recite from memory."The desire for a more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience."
"Is that from one of your self-help books?" Grace’s voice is amused.
"I forget where I read it, but it seems to ring true right now." I lean back against the cushions of the couch. "It might feel like the world is collapsing around me, but on the positive side, I have Serene. And I’m her mother. Her biological mother. And then, I'm in a luxurious private jet, married to the man I thought I’d never have, talking to my friends, and surrounded by people who care for me. So, you know, it’s not like I’ve come out so badly."
"Exactly." Harper brightens. "You just need to go with the flow. Give yourself a chance to accept everything, until things feel normal."
She’s right, of course. And everything I’ve said rings true. If not for that tiny niggling something in the corner of my subconscious, a bit like how the pea gave the princess a backache—I’m actually good. "What do you think, Zoey?" I ask my friend.
She gives me a small smile. "I think you should follow your instincts. No harm in making the man sweat a little before you tell him the words, I’m sure he wants to hear."
56
Tyler
"Hold still, Papa," my daughter admonishes me.
I find a more comfortable position, spread my legs wider, fold my arms across my chest and sigh. "How much longer?"
"Until I finish painting your face." She shakes out her coloring pen and draws a line down my cheek, then up the other way, drawing what I assume is a circle. Then she begins to fill in the space, her tongue between her lips as she concentrates on the task at hand. With her brows furrowed, and golden sparks flaring in her eyes, she looks so like Cilla, I wonder why I didn’t spot it earlier. A person sees what they want to, I suppose. Before Priscilla, I’d look at my daughter and be sure I saw myself in the curve of her chin, the high cheekbones, the nose. And every time I was reminded of Priscilla, I dismissed it as something my mind had conjured because I regretted sending her away. Now, I look at Serene and I see Priscilla, especially in many of her expressions, and I know it's not my mind playing tricks on me.
She crosses over my lap to stand on my other side. We’re on the couch in the living room where the football game is on. Arsenal is playing Man-U. The rest of my brothers decided to meet at Sinclair’s place to watch the match. I turned it down to stay home with Serene and Priscilla.