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The ancient dogs surged back into the room and creaked and limpedtheir way around him with wagging tails. Leofric exchanged saliva with the dogs through vigorous kisses (Aurienne shuddered) and flung himself towards Mordaunt for a sloppy hug. Mordaunt countered it with a stiff arm against his shoulder.

“I’ve got a Concern,” declared Leofric.

He went limp and fell into Mordaunt’s arms.

“You’re smashed off your tits,” said Mordaunt.

“Yep,” hiccoughed Leofric. He squinted towards the table. “Ooh. Are those choccy biscuits?”

Leofric lurched towards the biscuits, but was unable to muster the coordination to put them in his mouth. Mordaunt crammed a few in for him.

“What do you want?” asked Mordaunt. “What’s the Concern?”

Leofric closed his eyes to concentrate upon chewing. Mordaunt glanced downwards, saw that the strap of Aurienne’s satchel was still protruding from under the sofa, and nudged it farther in.

“I need to show you something, b-because I trust you,” said Leofric.

“What is it?” asked Mordaunt.

Aurienne didn’t know what she had expected Leofric to show Mordaunt, but it certainly hadn’t involved the removal of his trousers and underthings.

The same went for Mordaunt. “Whatare you doing?”

“H-have you got one ball that hangs lower than the other?” asked Leofric, pointing to the testicle in question.

“Pull your trousers back up, you great oaf.”

“Have you, though?”

“I don’t know,” said Mordaunt. “I’ve never inspected them for symmetry.”

“Show us yours, then,” said Leofric, gesturing towards Mordaunt’s crotch.

“Fuck off,” said Mordaunt.

“W-what should I do?” asked Leofric. “Should I get it looked at?”

“I don’t know.”

“Slap it, maybe? Pinch it? Might retract it?”

“You need to leave.”

Leofric grew philosophical. “D’you know, I don’t think my pubes are curly enough. What do you think? Be honest.”

Mordaunt was out of view of Aurienne’s narrow field of vision, but she heard his exasperated snarl.“Leave.”

“Why?” asked Leofric, wounded and pouty. “What are you doing that’s so important? Why’re you half naked, anyway?”

“None of your fucking business.”

Leofric looked sly. “ ’Bout to slap your own balls, I bet.”

“No,” said Mordaunt.

“ ’Bout to play with them, then. Let me tell you a thing about that.” Leofric pointed a finger in Mordaunt’s face, as though he were about to impart some profound advice. Then he said, “Don’t get your fingers caught in your pubes.”

Mordaunt sounded offended. “How long do you think my pubes are?”