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“What in Hel’s name are you doing here?” he asked.

Leofric—because of course it was Leofric—looked up. “Osric? What areyoudoing here?”

Leofric was seated in a chair, partially draped in one of the puce gowns. He had a bloody nipple.

“Excuse me,” said Fairhrim, snatching the curtain from Osric’s hand. “This needs to remain closed.”

Leofric was delighted. “It’s all right. He’s my best friend.”

“We aren’t friends,” said Osric.

“What happened to your nips, Os?” asked Leofric. “Go on—show us. Don’t be shy.”

“I’ll wait my turn,” said Osric, and he returned stiffly to his seat, from whence he proceeded to stare down Leofric, and indulge in some fantasising about his death, funeral rites, obituary, etc.

“Right stroke of luck, finding this clinic,” said Leofric to Osric over Fairhrim’s shoulder. “I was just passing through when I saw the sign. I got too kinky last night.”

Fairhrim, even more rigid about the spine than usual, said, “I’ve got to fetch a few supplies,” and disappeared into a back room.

“Nice girl, this Haelan,” said Leofric in a whisper. “Bit uptight, though. She could do a Kegel and snap your cock off. But she’s warmed up to me. They all do, eventually. Charmed her with my wits and tits. She’s a looker.”

“Hadn’t noticed,” said Osric. He was distracted by an unasked for vision of Fairhrim on his cock, doing Kegels.

“D’you think I should ask her about my droopy ball?” asked Leofric.

“This is a clinic for torn nipples.”

“How’d you tear yours?”

“Polo.”

“Posh cunt,” said Leofric. “I’ll ask the Haelan if she’s hosting a bollocks clinic. Hey—what do you think she’d do if she found out we’re Fyren? Should we show her our tacn when we leave? That’d be a laugh, wouldn’t it?”

Leofric held up his palm, across which he’d had the Leofricish foresight to place a bandage. As though any Haelan worth her seith wouldn’t spot it and demand to see what was underneath.

Fortunately, this particular Haelan knew exactly what Leofric was, and had turned a blind eye to his cunning stratagem.

“Don’t do it,” said Osric. “She’d report it and cause trouble between our Orders.”

“When did you become such a bore bag?” Leofric flopped back in his chair and looked despondent. After a bit of twitching, he rose andwandered towards the worktop, where he found a large test tube, which he held towards Osric. “Pop this in your bum.”

Fairhrim returned to instil law and order. Leofric’s suggestion did not please her.

“Put that down,” said Fairhrim, in tones that would galvanise a mollusc into action.

Leofric jumped and did as he was bid.

“Sit,” said Fairhrim.

The single, crisp syllable was delivered with such command that Leofric fell wordlessly back into the chair.

Fairhrim returned the test tube to its rack. Leofric beamed a tentative smile her way. It was not returned. Instead, Fairhrim made him hiss as, with a certain vindictiveness, she applied foam-soaked dressings to his nipple.

“What the fuck is that stuff?” asked Leofric.

“Hlutoform,” said Fairhrim.

“It’s used all over the Tiendoms,” said Osric, knowledgeably.