Page 68

Normal

Tics

Other

Restless

Slowed

AFFECT:

Full

Flat

Other

Contracted

Labile

COMMENTS: Hannah could not identify correct date or her location; she did not respond to most questions. She denied experiencing any hallucinations and was insistent that she needed to “get back to cooking.” Said she was making potage. That everyone was very hungry, and Zenna (?) was coming for dinner.

CHAPTER 64

The next day, riding the subway back to Belman Psych for an evening shift, Jordan Hassan reminds himself not to expect any changes in Hannah’s condition.

Fine. But he can’t helphopingfor one, even though it seems like she’s spending more and more time in her other world, and less and less time in his.

Did she want it that way? Was it something she could somehow control? Or was she as trapped and terrified as she seemed?

A panhandler makes his way down the train car, holding out a filthy baseball cap. Automatically Jordan reaches into his back pocket and fishes out a dollar.

He can hear his father’s voice:What if he uses that money for drugs?

What Jordan never had the guts to say back was:So what if he does?

“God bless,” says the man. “Don’t let the spiders get you. There’s too many spiders and they all got a lot of eyes.”

Mental illnesses are some of the most common health conditions in the United States.That was what Dr. Ctvrtník had said the first day of class, before she even told the students how to pronounce her name.

As the subway hurtles Jordan toward Queens, the same unanswerable question swirls around in his mind: Why is it that hearts know how to beat, and lungs unfailingly take in oxygen, while the brain, which is supposedly in charge of everything, sits up there in its bone case and screws everything up?

Jordan thinks about the girl in his dorm who studies physics all the time, and the all-American bros who go drinking on upper Broadway every night, and the shiny-haired girls who party in Soho and show up late to classes, and he wonders how many of them privately suffer.

More than half the US population will be diagnosed with a mental illness or disorder during their lifetime.

Jordan’s had a few panic attacks himself. And sometimes, when he imagines the future—with its diseases, wars, droughts, and famines—he wonders if it wouldn’t be easier to simply stop existing.

This isn’t the same as wanting to die. It’s more like a nagging fear that what you have to face is more than you think you’re capable of facing.

Maybe Hannah deals with those feelings, too, but in a manner so extreme that she keeps having breakdowns. And Jordan understands now that Nurse Amy was right: Hannahislucky, always having a bed at Belman. She’s not screaming on a street corner all the time. Just some of the time.

Four percent of Americans live with serious mental illness, such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or major depression.

It is thought that only half of people with mental illnesses receive treatment.

Forty-five minutes later, Jordan walks into Hannah’s room, hisheart pounding. He can’t stand to see her lost and hurting. He can’t stand that it feels like he’s failed her.