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“Sophie!” I yelled again, but she didn’t acknowledge me at all.

Then they were gone, and there were half a dozen stunned patients alone in the lounge, and there was blood smeared all over the floor.

Beatrix and Jade were standing side by side, just staring at where Sophie had been. Sean had started scratching at his cheeks, which he did when he was upset, but there was no one to tell him not to, and Andy was still rocking back and forth by the window and moaning.

Then our group therapist, Lulu, came rushing in, followed by a couple of aides, and they started tending to everyone like we were victims of a train derailment or something. Their voices were calm but urgent. “Let’s go back to your rooms,” I heard Lulu saying to Beatrix and Jade. People took Sean and Andy away, but no one came for us.

A shocked silence had descended. I couldn’t stop staring at the blood. It was drying. Darkening.

Indy was still holding on to my hand. “I remember the day I broke,” he said. “I was in my basement—just a regular guy playing a video game. And then, I don’t know, it was like I’d been shot with a poisoned arrow. I wasinthe video game, and the game was controlling me. I suddenly realized that all that time, the game had been trying to send me messages, and the messages were telling me that I needed to die. I hadn’t been able to hear them before, but now I could. The game wanted me to kill myself.”

Indy’s hand was growing sweaty in mine. “What did you do?” I whispered.

“I ran upstairs to the second floor of my house and I jumped out the window,” he said.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered.

“I wasn’t hurt,” he said.

“But you were,” I said.

He smiled grimly. “Right. Just not physically.”

I thought about meeting Sophie for the first time, and how she hadn’t been able to stop talking. She hadn’t needed any sleep, and she said that food tasted like ashes in her mouth. That was mania. But how had it shifted so quickly? One day she was talking about how amazing she was—and the next thing we knew, she’d sliced her own perfect, God-given wrists.

A custodian wheeled his cart into the room, and he started mopping while some little kid on the TV was singing Frank Sinatra at the top of his lungs.

I said, “Maybe Sophie wasn’t really trying to kill herself. Maybe that was just the cry for help.”

Indy pulled his hand away and wiped it on his pants. “I think the cry for help was coming here. This—thismight be a cry that says I don’t think I can be helped.”

DELIA F. BELMAN MEMORIAL PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL INCIDENT REPORT

Patient Name:Sophie Forrester

Date of Birth:9/12/2006

Date and time of incident:1/27/23 1:49 p.m.

Type of Incident:Self-injury

RESTRAINTS USED?

None

Chemical

Seclusion

Mechanical

Physical

INCIDENT REPORT: Pt cut herself repeatedly on wrists and arms with a spoon. Utensil was taken from cafeteria service and sharpened against a table leg. Event occurred in the lounge, in view of other residents. Pt was restrained and isolated while staff administered first aid. Transfer to Acute Ward recommended if bed available.

RECOMMENDED:

Internal investigation