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Until Taavi cornered me in our room upstairs at bedtime.

“What’s wrong?” he asked me, in a tone that told me he wasn’t going to let me brush it off easily. I probably could have fought him on it, but that wasn’t the sort of thing you were supposed to do to the man you loved.

I sighed. “I’m just being a dumbass,” I told him, sitting down on the edge of the bed and pulling off my socks.

I didn’t see him step closer, but I tilted my head up to look at his face when he ran the fingers of both hands through my now-short hair. “What about?” he asked softly.

I reached out and pulled him closer, my hands on his hips. His hands slid out of my hair and dropped down onto my shoulders. I leaned forward and rested my forehead against his torso. “I just—” I tried to figure out a way to explain how I felt without just blurting that I was a jealous dick.

Taavi’s hands tilted my head back so he could bend and press a kiss against my forehead. “Just what?”

Everything I could think of sounded selfish or pubescent or just plain awful. I went with selfish. “I just want you to myself,” I told his chest, dropping my head again.

Fingers once more ran through my hair.

“You have me to yourself right now,” he pointed out, and I couldn’t tell without looking up whether he was amused or just humoring me.

I wrapped my arms around his narrow waist and turned my head so my cheek pressed against him. I didn’t know what to say, but his fingers running through my hair felt good, so I stayed where I was.

“Val?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay?” Now he sounded worried.

I inhaled and exhaled again, slowly, before answering. “I will be.”

He wrapped his arms around my head and shoulders, holding me against his body.

I will never not be amazed at how much just feeling his warmth against me, inhaling air that has the scent of his spicy skin, and pressing my body against his flesh and bones could bring me peace. Five minutes before, I’d been edgy and agitated, upset at myself for being unsettled by the fact that I wanted more attention from both my boyfriend and best friend, and now, just leaning into Taavi’s arms, all that faded, brushed away into shades and memories.

I don’t know how long we stayed like that, Taavi cradling me against him, but I pulled back when I felt my eyelids start to get heavy. “Thanks,” I mumbled, embarrassed.

His fingers smoothed over my face as he cupped my jaw in his hands, then bent to kiss my lips softly. “De nada,” he replied. I knew that one—you’re welcome.

Unable to help myself, I yawned.

He kissed my forehead, then stepped away. “Go brush your teeth, Val. Then go to bed.”

“What’re you going to do?” The way he’d said it sounded weird.

“Wait until you’re done in the bathroom, then do the same thing.” He raised both dark eyebrows, looking at me as though he wasn’t at all certain that I was making sense. I wasn’t sure I was making sense, either, to be honest.

So I went and brushed my teeth, washed my face, did all the things you’re supposed to do before bedtime. Taavi slid past me when I came back in. I stripped down to my boxer briefs and pulled on the t-shirt I’d been wearing to bed, then slid between the sheets, sliding over to the far side against the wall.

I fell asleep so fast, I barely noticed when Taavi came back into the room and slid against me, his body warm and comforting against mine.

I really shouldn’t have slept up against the wall. Not after today.

Taavi woke me around three, his hand on my shoulder jerking me out of the horrors of my subconscious, my heart slamming against my ribs, air barely making it into my lungs, and bile pressing up against the back of my throat.

“Val!”

I half-climbed over him and just barely made it to the little metal trashcan in the room before throwing up Mom’s twice-baked potato bake and the Christmas cookies that were now an obligatory follow-up to every meal.

I hardly noticed Taavi helping to hold my now-untie-back-able hair out of my face, waiting for me to stop trying to bring up everything in my stomach.

Thank fucking God my mother put trash bags in all the bins.