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chapter twenty-six

“Life is easier when you finally come to the conclusion that it’s probably your fault — whatever it is — and there’s only one way to fix it. Take a long, hard look in the mirror, and start making better choices so you’re not immediately ashamed of your own damn reflection.”

~From Max Emory’s Guide to Dating and Other Important Life Lessons

Maddy

My heart hurt.

His lips were smooth, which just reminded me of how sharp the pain had been when I’d sat in that car and drove with Levi into the city.

I sent a quick text to my mom to let her know that I was okay.

It was a lie.

I didn’t count the tears; there were too many.

And Levi’s constant optimism didn’t help either. I’d chosen him because I’d trusted him, because I knew he wouldn’t ask questions or hit on me.

There was no way to explain an actual broken heart to a person. Words for that feeling don’t exist in the human language.

The worst part of leaving Jason was that I expected him to jump into his truck and tear after us.

He didn’t.

He stood still, unlike time.

And faded into my past, just like his figure faded from the rearview mirror.

I never heard from him again.

Suddenly angry, I jerked away from him, shoving against his chest.

He stumbled back a bit on his hurt foot and winced. “What the hell was that?”

Now I was really pissed. “You never chased me!”

“What?” He threw his hands up in the air. “Are you serious right now?”

“You— you just— stood there! You were in track. You could have chased me, could have forced me to come back. You could have driven into the city and burned down my apartment to get my attention. You just…” salty tears hit my lips, “…stood there.”

Jason hung his head. “I was in shock, Maddy. I had proposed to you twenty-four hours before you hopped into a car with Levi. No explanation. You just left!” His chest heaved as he clenched his hands into fists.

“Because I was afraid! But that doesn’t mean I’d wanted to! That doesn’t mean things wouldn’t have been different if you hadn’t just choked!”

“Choked!” he roared. “What damn part of this aren’t you getting, Maddy? You left me! With one of my best friends! What the hell did you think was going to happen? That I’d force you to come back? How many hits do you think my pride needs? My mom had already sent the engagement news to the local paper. It ran the next day, while I sat alone in my room staring at the fucking ring I’d saved for years to buy for you!”

More tears spilled in rapid succession down my cheeks as he yelled, as he forced me into his pain.

“I wouldn’t leave my room.” Jason looked away; his voice had a hitch to it as if he was either choking up, or trying not to. “I just stared at pictures of us and wondered if it had all been a lie —if you even cared — because you don’t throw away forever in an instant.”

My heart slowed as he lifted his hands and put them behind his head then kicked the pink chalk with his good foot.

“You broke my heart, Maddy. I’ve never hated, and loved, someone so much in my entire existence.”

“I was afraid.” My voice was small, unsure.

“Of us?” he asked.