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“Stop.” I held up my hand. “I get your meaning without the winks, and sexual banter with you makes me want to puke into my water glass.”

“So—” Blanche hacked out a cough loud enough to gain attention from people around us.

“Are you still sick?” Concern laced my words, as my stomach clenched with worry. “Did the doctor—”

“Says I’m fit as a fiddle.” Blanche waved me off. “So, as I was about to say, that’s the notorious Maddy, who stomped all over your heart and abandoned you, making it so that you didn’t have sex for two whole years until your best friend…” Her eyes narrowed.

I sighed. “Best friend, Colt.”

“Aha!” She snapped her fingers. “The best friend that got you back on the donkey!”

“Or horse. Yeah, let’s go with horse.” I nodded. “Sounds better.”

“But you rode a donkey.”

“I rode a donkey to prove a point then ended up falling on my ass at that same college frat party, only to bump into a girl who was drunk and hot. Yes.”

“Too bad you’re crap in bed, huh?”

“You really need to stop reading Max’s book. Nothing he says in that damn thing is even remotely true.”

Damn Max for writing a bestseller on how to get women and what not to do.

Guess which part of the book I’m not in? No really. Guess.

Let’s just say I had a brief moment where I thought of changing my name and moving to Canada.

“You never did tell me, is it true you gave yourself two black eyes on purpose last year so you wouldn’t have to look at that girl you almost married?”

“No,” I groaned. Would this day ever end? And why the hell was Max still involved in my life when he lived an hour and a half away?! Damn, it seemed the farther away I lived, the more it encouraged him to keep in touch. “Milo gave me the black eyes.”

“Yes, your sister.” Blanch grinned and reached for my hand again. “Which basically means you did it to yourself. What girl can hit you? You’re two-hundred-twenty pounds of sirloin steak, and she’s a buck-five, maybe.”

“Sneak attacks. Believe me.” I grunted as Maddy started making her way back to our table. “Look, can we just get our meal to go? I don’t have the energy to deal with her today — or you, for that matter.”

Blanche burst out laughing. “We could do things your way…” she nodded slowly, “…or we can do them my way, and I guarantee you’ll have more than enough energy by the time the night is through.”

“No.” I shook my head. “No, no, no! Whatever plan you have up there, you need to abort.”

Blanche giggled.

“Abort!” I hissed. “Abort!”

“So, Jason,” Blanche said loudly, “tell me, how do you do that trick with your tongue? Is it a secret? The girl down the street was asking me about it, and I said my escort was too classy to tell any of his trade secrets.”

Holy. Hell.I rue the day I showed Blanche how to use Netflix.