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Me: James released Cari’s
video. I thought you had it
under control.
It didn’t take long for Con to hit me back.
Con: He’s still in the hospital.
I just checked. He must have
help.
Con: …
Con: I’m sorry, man. I fucked
up. I thought I had more time.
I know what I’m supposed to do. I’m supposed to text him back—tell him it’s okay. He tried his best. I understand. A week ago, that’s exactly what I would’ve done. I would’ve let him off the hook. I would’ve stuffed the rage coursing through my veins into a hole and cemented it shut with a layer of calm affability. And if this were about me, I would’ve been able to do it. No problem. But this isn’t about me.
It’s about Cari.
Con: Cap’n?
Con: ??
Con: Come on, man.
Con: don’t do anything
stupid.
Me: Fuck you
I went back to my room and sat next to the bed, my stomach roiling, head pounding, heart hammering, fast and heavy. I wanted to crawl into bed and lay down beside her. Pull her into my arms and hold her. I wanted to close my eyes and go to sleep and wake up again and have it be before. I wanted to pretend the last ten minutes hadn’t happened. I wanted to lay next to her and watch her wake up. Smile at me.
But I can’t.
I can’t do that because my whole body is shaking now, not just my hands. I’m sick with rage, and if I touch her now, she’ll know.
She’ll know I watched it. That I betrayed her.
But it didn’t matter. She’d taken one look at me, and she knew anyway.
And then she bolted. Threw on her robe and ran because all I could say was her name, over and over. I meant to apologize. Tell her I didn’t care. That none of it mattered to me. That I watched it, and I was sorry, but I also wasn’t because I’d watched it and now I know. I know that I loved her. I love her, and we were still friends, and I needed her to forgive me for fucking everything up again because I know she loves me too.
That’s what I was going to say. What I intended when I chased her down the hall. Spun her around so I could tell her. Talk to her. Explain.
Cari, please look at me…
As soon as she did, as soon as she looked at me, I saw it.
I told her I love her and she laughed at me. Said what I’d been afraid of all along. That someone like her could never be interested in someone like me. Not for the long haul.
I froze.
Too slow and stupid to stop her, I let her end us.
She said the past week was nothing more than fun. That people like her and I don’t belong together. She said she was over me.
And I believe her.