Page 17

Ten
Patrick
Idon’t know why I did it. Why I watched that video.But I did, and now I can’t unwatch it. I can’t go back and stop myself from clicking the link that popped up in my text messages. The shitty, ironic thing about it is it wasn’t even James who sent it to me. It was Rob. My douchebag fraternity brother she’d been dating when we met. The guy she caught cheating on her at a college house party. The reason I ended up giving her a ride home in the first place.
Rob: LOL, is this who I think it is??
I’d been brushing my teeth and scrolling through my texts, hoping to see one from Conner, telling me that whatever he’d gone home to do had worked, and this whole thing was over. That he’d done whatever it is Conner does, and James and Lisa were dealt with. That Cari and I can move on.
I thought about her. Sleeping. Naked and warm, in my bed. I thought about her and how we’d finally turned a corner. Hit the reset button. We’d forgiven each other. Talked and laughed and touched each other without it devolving into something ugly and hurtful. That had to mean something. It had to mean we were ready to take the next step in whatever this is between us.
I love her, and I think she loves me. Even if we weren’t ready to say it, I think we’re ready to show it. That’s what I was thinking about. Plugging her phone into the charger when she forgets. Pretending not to notice that she slips her laundry into my basket on wash day. Taking her lunch to her when she forgets it on the kitchen counter. Because even if she was doing those things on purpose, just to get under my skin, I still want to do them for her. Because I love her.
That’s what I was thinking about—toothbrush hanging out of my mouth, water running in the sink—when I tapped my thumb against the link Rob sent me and changed everything.
I can say that I thought he was sending me the link to a fraternity brother’s Facebook profile or the pathetically lame Tinder profile of one of our old professors. I could say that. I could. But it would be a lie.
A second after my thumb tapped the link, I knew what it was.
I knew.
And I watched it anyway.
Not all of it, but enough to know. Enough to see what Cari didn’t want me to.
I felt sick. Angry. I wanted to kill James. Legitimately kill him for doing that to her. Taking a moment when she’d made herself vulnerable to him and exploiting it. Turning it into something shameful and ugly. And I wanted to kill Rob, someone who’d once claimed to care for her, for thinking so little of her that he forwarded it to me without thinking twice.
Before I could react, another text came through.
Rob: Bro, told you she was too
much for you to handle. LOL.
I reminded myself he didn’t know about Cari and me. He knew we were roommates. Friends. But he didn’t know about us. He thought there was no way a girl like Cari would be into someone like me. He never would’ve sent me that link, otherwise. Rob is an idiot, and I should cut him some slack. It wasn’t working. I still wanted to kill him.
Me: Where did you get this?
I can imagine Rob’s dumb, smug face, confused as to why I wasn’t broing up right now even though I’ve never broed it up with him. Not once.
Rob: It’s all over the place, but
I saw it on exhex first
Rob: Funny, right?
Exhex is a revenge porn site where pissed-off people can anonymously post nude pictures and videos of their exes. Rob’s been obsessed with the site since we were in college. I spit my toothbrush into the sink because my hands were shaking and I needed both to pound out an answering text.
Me: Hilarious, bro. If you send this to
anyone else, I’ll know, and I’ll separate
your head from your fucking shoulders.
LOL
He didn’t text me back.
Rob said he saw it on exhex first. That means it’s been posted on more than one site. The realization knots my stomach, and I pound out an angry text to Conner.