Page 45 of Storm in a D Cup

‘But, but… you said so.’

‘Erica – I want you. And our family. Anything else is a bonus.’

I studied his face. I knew he meant what he was saying. But I also knew that he really did want a child of his own and if his eyes and posture were anything to go by, he was more than simply disappointed. This whole IVF thing was taking its toll on him as well as me. I hadn’t forgotten how he’d done the Happy Dance when I’d got pregnant for a whole three weeks. And now that I wasn’t, he was only pretending to take it on the chin.

‘Erica,’ he said, sitting up in bed, wincing slightly.

‘You OK?’ I wanted to know.

‘Much, much better. The ice helped. Thank you. Let’s just concentrate on the good things we’ve got. Which are so, so many.’

‘I know…’

‘There’s our family, our home, our friends, our work. This beautiful, beautiful life we have together. Remember when you and Ira were divorcing and even a minute with each other seemed like a godsend?’

When you put it that way… ‘Yeah.’

‘There’s my Erica smiling,’ he coaxed.

But I sincerely hoped that he believed what he was saying. Because sometimes he didn’t convince me all that much, and after each IVF failure it was getting more and more difficult to get back in the saddle, if you’ll pardon the pun.

‘I love you, Julian. I really do, you know? Even when I’m being a bitch.’

He grinned and pulled me close again. ‘And I love you, my little nutter. Through thick and thin.’

‘Then you won’t mind if we keep trying? To have a baby? Because I’m ready for my next treatment.’

He stared at me. ‘You are?’

I stared back. God, not two minutes of even keel and we were doing this again?

When I didn’t answer, he shrugged. ‘OK.’

‘You sure?’

He wrapped his arms around me. ‘If you’re ready to start again, I’ll postpone my book tour. No biggie.’

Postpone his book tour? His career? How was I going to be sure he wouldn’t regret it soon enough?

‘No, after you make your, uhm, deposit, you can go. I can handle the rest on my own.’

‘You must be out of your mind if you think I’m going to leave you at a time like this,’ he said, kissing my forehead, and I wished he’d kissed me on the mouth.

‘No, really,’ I choked. ‘It won’t work anyway, and you’ll have lost an opportunity for nothing. Really.’

‘Don’t talk like that,’ he whispered, rubbing the back of my neck. I closed my eyes, relishing the feel of his hands on me. It was a shame that any future child will have been conceived without the two of us actually making love. But it was what it was.

‘You need to be positive, my girl.’

I nodded, trying to keep the tears back. I admired his strength and encouragement and loved him all the more for it, but we both knew it wasn’t working. It was just a waste of money, hopes and time. I hated to see Julian become so hopeful and then deflated. But he sure as hell did a great job hiding it. Especially now that his book was out and he was whizzing around the world faster than his Super-sperm ever could.

‘Tell you what,’ he said. ‘When I get back, why don’t we go for a little vacation, just you and me? We’ll leave Maddy with Caterina, and Renata can look in on her from time to time.’

‘Sounds good to me,’ I said, kissing him on the lips.

Long gone were the early days when he was convinced it was going to work. When we’d built our hopes up together, snuggling up in front of the TV, reading the papers, breakfasting endlessly. (‘More coffee, sweetie?’ ‘Oh, yes, thank you, and can I have another muffin, please?’ ‘Of course, sweetie.’) Happy. Hopeful. Renewed enthusiasm. At the end of the day we knew that family was the most important thing and if we didn’t succeed it was no tragedy.

But now he looked at me. ‘So you’re sure?’