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“Yes.”
He fell silent for several seconds.“Baby, it’ll get better.I promise.”
She wiped at her eyes.“I can’t see how.”
“Just… you have to trust me.”
She swallowed and laid her head back against the seat.“It’s my birthday.I want you to do something for me.”
“Name it.”
“I deserve an answer to one question.”
His breath hissed out.Silence held a potent mix of hope and despair.“Okay.One question.”
“Did you…” She stopped, squeezed her eyes shut and tried again.“Did you mean to kill her?”
A shuddering breath echoed down the line.Ice cascaded down her spine.
“Bethany.I think you know by now that my life isn’t that straightforward.”
“Just answer me, please.”
He hesitated.“I don’t want to risk you retreating even more than you are right now.”
“I won’t, if what you tell me is the truth.”
“I’d never lie to you.I may not always be in a position to give you full disclosure, but I’ll never lie.Tell me you believe that?”
“I believe you.”
She waited, her insides withering with each passing second.Finally, she couldn’t stand it a second longer.“So… did you?”
“Yes.And no.”
“Oh God, what does that even mean?”
“It means… there was a series of events.Events I can’t talk about.It was a chaotic time in my life, Bethany.A lot of shit happened.Part of it—hell, most of it—was my fault.”
“What sort of shit?”
He inhaled raggedly.She could hear a low rhythmic sound as if he was drumming his fingers on a surface.“The usual shit that comes with misguided youth and unlimited funds.Insane partying… sex… drugs.”
Her breath caught.“Was that how she died?”
The drumming stopped.“Don’t do this, baby.Please.Bottom line is she died.And I was responsible.”
Anger clawed through her, blanking out the misery for a few relieved seconds.“You know what I should do?I should be more like you.Just take the wall-to-wall sex and shut off the emotion.”
“You think I’m emotionless?”
“I think that as long as you have sex you can survive without getting emotionally invested, yes.Did you learn to block it out?Is that what she did to you?”
“Perhaps it’s what I did to myself in order to cope.”
“That’s what I mean.I should do the same.Then we can be two emotionless people, indulging in mindless sex just for pure relief.”
He fell silent for so long she wondered whether he would end the call.But his breathing remained strong and steady.