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He wipes the tears from under my eyes with his thumbs. "You look so pretty like this," he says. "You're always pretty, but you look especially pretty like this. Did you know that?"

"No," I whisper.

I haven't felt pretty in a long time.

"You are, though," he says. "Keep it inside you, okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know, Noah…there's a part of me that wishes you were a little more helpless," Silas says without answering my question. "I wish you were dependent on me. I wish you needed me to take care of you. But look at you—you don't need me at all."

"What are you talking about? I do need you."

Silas pulls the covers over both of us and then leans in, kissing me slowly, sensually. I run my hand over his beard and then to the back of his neck, pulling him closer, kissing him deeper, my tongue twisting with his.

"I like your beard," I tell him as his mouth moves to my neck.

"I love everything about you."

And then, I feel that familiar ache in my chest and pull away.

"Silas…" I bite my lower lip, and my eyes fill with tears again.

"What's wrong, baby?"

I love you.

That's what I almost say. But it must just be some kind of combination of the sex and the drugs and the fact that he's holding me, and I've really needed someone to hold me for a while because I can't love Silas after what he did.

Not when he's the reason that I'm no one now. Not when he's the reason that I'm slowly starving to death, and he's killed several people in front of me…including my mom.

It has to be just that it feels good to be with someone who knows me. It feels good to hear my own name.

"Will you stay with me? At least until I fall asleep?"

"Of course I will."

He wraps his arms around my neck, pulling me into him and kissing the top of my head before running his fingers through my hair.

"You use my last name as your own," he says.

"Yeah." I swallow hard. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry. It was kind of risky, though."

"I know. I just like the way it sounds."

But this time, when my eyes close, my heart pounds against my ribcage, and I never actually fall asleep.

I'm still awake when the sun comes up and Silas slips out of bed, but I keep them shut and don't watch him go, wondering what part of the game this was.

fourteen

A Little Extra Seasoning

Noah

Imust have fallen asleep sometime after dawn because my alarm wakes me now. I roll onto my back and open my eyes, stretching my arms overhead as I take inventory of my aching body.