Page 74

"Yeah, it was scary," I tell him, choking on the words a little. "I'm really scared…that my life is over…again."

"What are you talking about?" he asks. "Your life's not over, Lilah. You're fine; the kid is fine. Why don't you let me come over, okay?"

"No, I'm fine. And you have plans—you should go be with your friends. You should be with people who are good and good for you, and not me. I'm…not a good person."I should stop talking. I should stop talking and hang up the phone."I'm walking around missing parts and a bullet wound, and I will never, ever be clean."

"You're a good person, Lilah."

"I wish I'd met someone like you when I was younger. Maybe I'd be different."

"When you were younger?" he repeats, laughing a little. "You're twenty years old."

"Yeah, but it's already too late because I can't forget. It's like…phantom limb syndrome, and even though they're gone, I can still feel them."

Tate, Mia, Silas, my mom. They'll all gone. I've lost all my limbs.

"Lilah, you're freaking me out. I'm just going to come over, okay?"

"No! No, don't."

"I don't think you should be alone right now."

"I don't want you to," I lie, because I have to. For the rest of my life, I'll always have to lie. "I don't want to see you…ever."

"Is this about what I said this morning? Because…I didn't mean it. If you're not ready for something serious, I'm fine with that. I don't even think I want to be in a relationship, so I don't know why I said that."

Now he's the one lying, and it makes me feel worse. "Yeah, you do. You deserve so much better than this."

"What—"

"Bye, Mason."

I end the call, turn off the television, and then curl into a ball under the covers and cry. Without realizing it, I push my hands into my hair and begin rubbing circles behind my ears with my own fingertips, comforting myself the way Tate used to. It's a habit I can't break—just another way my body remembers its phantom limbs.

My phone vibrates again, and Mason's name pops up on the lock screen.

MASON You're god drunk, so if you want to pretend this didn't happen tomorrow, I will, too.

It's tempting. But I've been doing this with him—lying to him, leading him on—for almost four months, and I like him too much now. But I'll never love him like I loved them, and I need to stop.

I sigh, and before I can toss the phone aside, it vibrates twice more.Don't read it,I tell myself.Save it for the morning when you're more rational and better equipped to deal with this.

But I don't. And this message isn't from Mason.

UNKNOWN Hey, little lost girl.

UNKNOWN Found you.

Hands shaking, I throw the phone across the room and scream. I don't sleep at all.

eleven

Phantom Limbs and Other Ghosts

Silas

"Well, that was easy," Tate laughs as we leave the parking lot. "You can wipe that fucking look off your face now."

I shoot him a side-eyed glare before turning back to the road.