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I collapsed onto the ground, back onto my bottom, with my legs bent and my elbows resting on my knees. “I…I don’t know what to do. And I get you think I have a choice, but in the end, I really don’t.” I sighed heavily. “I’ve got to do everything I can to save my brother. He gave everything up for me. It’s because of me that he’s in the tower, and it’s because he helped me that he’sgoing to die. I-I can’t just abandon him. I can’t just let him die.” I felt it. The lump forming in my throat, making it difficult for me to swallow. “I won’t do that to him…not when I know he would never do that to me.”

Once again, Edith stayed quiet, and the silence stretched between us. The seconds passed, and I finally looked up to face her. Her typically soft, angelic features now appeared chiseled out of ice as she stared down at the ground, arms still crossed. And then she blinked, setting her gaze on me. Her brows shifted, still furrowed but softening as she inhaled deeply through her nose. Then she spoke gently, catching me by surprise.

“I’m sorry.” I watched her, listening intently. “I’m sorry I got worked up, and I’m sorry if I made you mad or something.” She drew quiet, rubbing her lips together before the look of concern swept back across her face. “It’s just…you’re all my friends. And I just hope you don’t regret this. I really don’t.” Silence encased us for another moment as Edith seemed to consider her next choice of words carefully. “I don’t envy the position you’re in, Mara. But, I’m worried someone’s going to end up hurt. I just hope you can live with it in the end.”

My brows knitted together as I spoke, my tone holding a bite. “What’s that supposed to be? Some sort of warning?”

She shook her head gently. “All I’m saying is, I’d think really hard about what you do next.”

Did she think I was stupid? An idiot? I knew this was something I had to tread lightly with. It wasn’t my fault that Sasha put this crap on me. “And what would you do if you were in my position? The way I see it, I’m stuck. And besides,” my voice lowered as my heart stung, “Matias made his choice.”

Edith took a step away from me toward the base. “Maybe you should talk tohimabout the choices he’s made.”

“Yeah? And how am I supposed to do that? Last time I checked, he was off at the Institute with not so much as a word of goodbye.”

“Well,” she said as she took more steps away from me, “last timeIchecked, he’s on his way back. And I’m sure as hell not going to be the one to tell him you just agreed to marry another guy.”

My jaw dropped.

Crap.

14: Runaway Bride

As I watched Edith walk away from me, nausea swelled once again in my belly.

Matias was coming back.

He was coming back from the Institute, and…where was he going?Here? Was he cominghere?

I shoved my face in my hands. It was the most bizarre thing because I could feel a part of me growing with excitement, remembering days of close caresses and hungry lips. But…another part of me sensed something very different.

Dread.

But why? Why was the thought of him coming back freaking me out?

Did I feel guilty? But why the hell would I feelguilty? I shook my head, trying to shake it all off. I had nothing to feel guilty about. I wasn’t the one who went MIA on the relationship. I wasn’t the one who was literally wrapped in the arms of someone else. I wasn’t the one who shothim.

I inhaled deeply, trying to settle my nerves. It didn’t matter that he was coming back. It didn’t change everything that had happened—or rather,didn’thappen—between us, or the current craptastic situation I had found myself in.

But it still hurt. It hurtbad. I grimaced. It just wasn’t fair. Why was I always finding myself in these awful positions, having to choose between the people I cared about?

“Ugh,” I groaned, flopping back onto the grass, staring up into the blue sky. My mind wrestled with it all, and I felt myself at war with what Iwantedto do and what Ishoulddo. I wanted to save my brother, making sure he didn’t share in Chase’s grotesque fate. But I didn’t want to marry Wes. In truth, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted Matias either. Our time apart had left a pretty big hole, and that hole filled itself up with jealousy, then pain, and something that felt dangerously close to apathy.

Regardless of what I wanted, I knew what everyone would tell me I needed to do—cut my own desires out of the equation and do “what was best for everyone,” or whatever the hell it was. I was supposed to focus on what would serve the greater good and not just what was best for one person. That’s what the Dissenters were always preaching, anyway.

But…but I…I didn’t want to.

Was that so wrong? Was it so wrong that I wanted to focus on saving Jacob versus what was best for all the rest of these damn people? Did that make me a bad person?

I bit my lip, my eyes watching the tufts of white slowly drift across the sky. What would anyone else do in my situation? How do you choose between saving your family or sacrificing your happiness for the greater good? Who does that crap anyway?

I shot up. Bitterness became a living essence in my veins—filling me, consuming my body. Why was I being expected to care for a bunch of people who barely tolerated me to beginwith? I wasn’t stupid. Sasha didn’t care about me. Sasha wasn’t looking out for my best interest.

Power.

Wealth.

Survival.