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Her eyes widen in that curious, deep thinking kind of way that only children can manage to express. If I made that face, people would just think I looked crazy.

“Okay, I’ll take only two more bites,” she tells me, and holds up two fingers. “But I don’t know what movie yet. I have to think about it.”

“Take all the time you need, princess.”

26

“So?” my mother asks.

I shake my head, pulling myself from the depths of my inner turmoil.

“Sorry mom, what did you say?”

“I asked if you girls want to come over for a bit? We’ve finally got the play area set up in the backyard, and the sun is out and shining.”

It’s still barely sixty degrees outside, but if you get my daughter on a swing set? It could be a blizzard out there and she’d still be the happiest girl on the planet.

“Dahlia would love that.” I glance over to where she’s sitting on the floor, crayons in hand as she forcefully presses them into the paper of her coloring book. What’s the fun in paying attention to the lines, anyway? “We’ll get dressed and head over.”

“Just the two of you?” she asks.

“Um, yeah? Since when would it–” I swear my heart stops for a couple of excruciating seconds as the realization hits me. Memories flash in my mind of that crazy morning. My mom wanted to meet her so badly, and I wanted to keep her all to myself. I regret that. I wish I had let them talk, get to know each other.

My mom always sees the best in people. She would’ve seen more in Kara than most people do, and now she’ll never get to. She’ll never understand, and no one’s ever going to.

I pull the phone away from my ear long enough to let out the shaky breath that’s so close to turning into a full blown sob.

I clear my throat before I speak again.

“It’s just us two,” I say.

The few seconds of silence on her end are loud, because that woman knows me better than I want her to.

“Okay, bug. We’ll see you soon. Drive safe.”

“Why don’t you take the princess out to play on the swings, grandpa? We’ll be right there.”

Dahlia jumps up and down, and grabs on to her grandpa’s hand with all the impatience in the world. He doesn’t take much convincing, laughing and pretending his granddaughter is the strongest six year old on the planet as he “tries” to hold his ground. She thinks it’s the best thing in the world, and I agree.

“What is that mother of yours feeding you? Those muscles are huge!”

I smile to myself as I watch them head for the back door. It’s a sight that numbs the pain for sure.

“Honey,” my mother starts. Before saying anything else, she walks up to me and puts her arms around me. There’s something about her hug that has everything I’ve been trying to push down, rise to the surface. “Are you okay?”

As soon as the question is out of her mouth, I’m crying. It’s the most I’ve cried in front of her since I was a kid, and I almost feel bad about it. She just keeps holding me, rubbing my back soothingly.

“No,” I admit once I get enough air in. “No, I’m really not.”

I hear my daughter squeal from outside, and it scares me into pulling back and wiping my eyes. I don’t ever want her to see me like this. I want to be strong for her.

My mother, realizing what I’m doing, grabs my hand and guides me to her room. I sit on the edge of her bed, and she closes the door to ensure we won’t be snuck up on.

“I’ve never seen you like this,” she says softly.

I just nod. I’ve never felt like this.

“That woman? Kara?”