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And maybe I’m a terrible friend, but I don’t care. I don’t want any of that to change the way my life has been going lately. I didn’t know who Kara was when this started. I was in too deep when I found out. They would understand if I told them.

But I am definitely not telling them, not anytime soon. Getting Kara to calm down and talk to me is my main priority, and I have to make it happen before six o’clock tonight. Once Caleb drops off my baby girl, that’s where my focus needs to be. For the four days we’re together every week, she deserves every ounce of my attention. No relationship will ever change that.

Even when it feels fucking impossible.

“Are you okay, mama?”

I look at her in the rearview mirror, and give her my best attempt at a smile.

“Why wouldn’t I be, princess?”

“‘Cause when I look like that, you always ask if I’m okay.”

“But it’s usually just because you’re tired, huh?” My daughter nods. “I’m tired right now.”

“You could take a nap,” she tells me with a grin. It’s a repeat of words I’ve said to her too many times.

She never agrees to a nap. I’m not agreeing now either, even though it sounds really nice. I’m not lying, I am tired. Tired in every way a person could possibly be.

Sometimes I hear Kara’s music through the walls, although it’s lower than normal. I think the only reason I hear it is because I’mtryingto hearsomething.

It’s torture to have her right next door. I’ve been hurt in breakups before, badly enough that I wanted to show up at their door and beg for the smallest scraps. Doing just that is too easy in this scenario. I’ve already done it once. It’s taking all the self control I have not to do it again. I’ve always felt a rush when leaving my house, just over the possibility of seeing her. It was always so exciting. Now it’s more of an anxious feeling.I’m scared of her reaction to being in my presence, but I’m also desperate for it. I need to gaze into those green eyes in the same way I need to eat food a few times a day. It’s fuel.

God, it’s dramatic. The only reason I haven’t completely lost my mind is because my daughter needs me. I don’t know how I’ll survive when she’s gone in a few weeks. I’ve been lonely before, but that’s going to take the cake. Knowing it’s coming is making me so tense. “Are you hungry? Should I make dinner when we get home?”

Dahlia looks at me through the mirror with so much excitement.

“Broccoli?”

“Of course!” I say with all the enthusiasm I can find.

It is pretty exciting that my child loves vegetables.

I’m convinced that no child has ever loved broccoli as much as my girl does. I’ve come up with some interesting ways to include it in our dinners, much to my own dismay.

I give her complete credit for the fact that I don’t have scurvy.

She wiggles in her car seat, and I know if it wasn’t there, she’d be jumping up and down.

What I end up making isn’t that creative, just a stir fry I throw together with some things I needed to use up, and Dahlia’s beloved broccoli.

It sure smells incredible, though

She runs up to her chair, where a plate of food is already sitting on the table in front of her. She’s most likely going to eat around the chicken, and that will be a whole ordeal that I’ll put off until she claims she’s done. I can always convince her to have an extra bite or two by promising something in return. I’ve got ten minutes to think of what it’ll be tonight.

As I pick at my own plate, not feeling very hungry, I think of Kara. Again. I wonder if she can smell our dinner from her apartment. I hope she can. I hope she wishes she was sittinghere with us, and feeling terrible about avoiding me. I picture it, her having a realization so strong that she heads straight over and starts banging on my door. I picture it over and over until I convince myself it’ll happen.

I wait, so patiently, for that knock.

“I’m done, mommy.”

I blink, her voice pulling me out of my thoughts. Of course there isn’t a knock.

“Can you do a couple more bites of chicken?”

She shakes her head, as predicted.

“Will you take a couple more bites if I let you pick a movie for us to watch tonight?”