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I don’t think either of us slept for a week after that, even though we spent every available minute in bed. I’d never known anything like it.

So why didn’t you tell him that? And why aren’t you telling him now?

I hit the indicator and turn the vehicle onto the main street.

I should never have held back.

I should have told him, right from that first night,that I never even knew sex could be like that between two people.

That before him, I thought all the books were lying and romantic movies were just fantasy. That until the moment his mouth found mine in that café, I’d thought that men like Miguel were as good as it got.

Or at least, as good as it could get for a girl like me.

Now, no matter what happens, I have to live with the fact that I never really told him how I felt.

How I still feel.

And yet I know I can’t.

If we have no future, what’s the point in telling him how I actually feel? It’s unfair to us both for me to pretend we can ever have any kind of real life, whether I’m talking about being Dimitry’s partner or godmother to Darya’s baby.

I glance at my phone as the pub comes into sight. It’s morning in Spain, and I have three unread messages from Darya instead of two. I want to open them. And I’m terrified to open them.

There are no messages from Dimitry.

Does he even remember I promised to make my decision today?

But I know he does. Despite what’s happened over the last few months, I know that what lies between Dimitry and me is real.

All this would be a lot easier if it wasn’t.

I pull into the drive-through bottle shop, an Australian convenience that I’d forgotten about and one I can definitely get behind.

“What can I get you, Abs?” Jack, the young bottle shop attendant, leans through the window. “Bit easier coming to town in a car than on your bike, hey?”

“Sure is.” I smile and give him the order. As he’s filling it, I look out the back to the line of low-roofed motel rooms used by travelers passing through. To my relief, the Banderos bikes aren’t parked outside anymore.

Phew. They must have finally moved on.

I glance in the rearview mirror, for the briefest moment seeing the cold, dead eyes that have chased me for years. Hearing Jacey’s oddly accented voice as he stands over Nico’s lifeless body:“You know there’s no point hiding from me, Abby.”

His hard, rictus smile, the most unsettling thing I’ve ever seen.“Why don’t you come out and save yourself from the fear?”

“Get out of my head!” I don’t realize I’ve exclaimed aloud until I see Jack looking at me curiously. “Got a song on my brain that’s been running on loop,” I say hastily, and he nods.

“Oh, yeah. Been there.” He grins and takes my card.

By the time I’ve paid for the beer and wine and am driving back out of town, my heart has stopped thudding with old adrenaline and I’ve almost pushed the memory away.

Almost.

This is why I never talk about the past. It’s too terrifying. Too dark.

And all too fucking real.

My mind reaches for Dimitry to drive out the darkness.

Would he like it here?I think the same thing every day when I come down this road at this time, with the swift-falling sun a fiery ball on the horizon.