Page 24

“I—there are some things I can’t tell you, Mum.”

She flinches as if I’ve actually struck her.

Fuck. This isn’t how I wanted this to go at all.

“I guess I made some mistakes,” I say hurriedly. “And once I made them, I wasn’t too sure how to come back. Then time went on, and I started to think that maybe it was too late to even try. I don’t know.” I give a small shrug. “I wish I’d donethings differently. But I was dumb, like I said. And I had a really,reallyshitty boyfriend. I know that’s no excuse,” I say, relieved when she gives a small laugh. “But he was awful, and for a long time, I wasn’t thinking for myself at all.”

Mum gives me a curious glance. “What was his name? Where did you meet him?”

Gah. This is where things get tricky.

“His name was Nicholas.” It’s not a lie, not exactly.

Except for the fact that in France, where he came from, they spell it Nicolas, and everyone, including me, knew him as Nico.

“We met at a full moon party,” I say. “On an island called Ko Pha Ngan in Thailand.”

“A full moon party!” She sits back in her chair, shaking her head in wonder. “How exotic.”

Oh, you have no idea, Suze. I partied for three days straight, all of them sponsored by Nico and Lucky, the island’s friendly drug suppliers.

“Yes,” I say quietly. “It felt like that at the time.”

“Why did you leave, if you liked it so much?”

I lift a shoulder, avoiding her eyes, searching for an answer that isn’t entirely a lie. “Nico was going to South America, and I’d always wanted to see it.”

Nico, smiling at me on a sunset-drenched beach. “Come with me, Abby. I’ve got a contact in South America I can deal for.”

“What about Lucky? Is she coming too?”

“Lucky’s gone, Abs. She crossed Jacey, our supplier here. They say she actually saw him. Nobody ever sees his face and lives...”

I swallow more wine, suppressing a shudder and the cold creep of old fear down my spine. Even the memory makes my stomach turn.

Mum sighs. “How liberating that must have felt. To just get on a plane and go where the wind takes you.”

“I was definitely happy to get on that plane, yes.” I stare studiously into the distance and try not to gulp my wine.

“What about in South America?” Her eyes are wide, so credulous it breaks my heart. “Were you working there?”

Money spread all over the bed.

Lines of cocaine on the side table.

Nico pouring me champagne. “My supplier is Rodrigo Cardeñas. His father heads up a cartel. Rodrigo wants to set up his own operation, and I can be part of it... I’m making more money dealing here on the marina than I ever would have back in Thailand.”

“Nicholas was.” I’m proud of how steady my voice sounds. “He spoke Spanish, and he earned good money, so I painted, mainly.”

Or pretended to.

In between the endless partying.

Mum gives me a searching look. “It must have been good between the two you for a while then. At least at the start.”

“I guess it was, yes.” I try not to sound cynical. “At the start.”

“You owe the cartelhowmuch money?” Staring in disbelief at Nico across a small restaurant table. “And you want to dowhat?”