Page 14 of Last Fall

And I was absolutely going to call in that favor soon. Just not yet. “I haven’t avoided dating all this time because I’m never going to date again.” Oh sure, sometimes I thought about giving it all up. Love was the most vulnerable thing a person could give. Every so often I let my fears take over and convince me that I shouldn’t ever look at another man, but eventually I talk myself down off thecliff.

I wouldn’t completely close myself off from the idea of love but I also wouldn’t ever run right into it,either.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’m not ready to talk yet.” I shot her a half-smile. “When I lefthimI was scared and lost. I knew I needed to get myself together before I did anything. The more I looked back the more I realized one of the major reasons I was even in that position was because I put myselfthere.”

“Zo—”

I didn’t want to hear her placations so I put my hand up, stopping her. “Before I could ever consider dating again I knew I needed to work on myself. One day, when the time is right, I’ll take a chance with another man, but not before I know for sure that I have my own head onstraight.”

She nodded. “Okay. I can respect that. Besides now would be a terrible time for bothofyou.”

“Exactly.Wait,what?”

She shrugged. “You’re on a meteoric rise. Your days are crazy right now with no chance of slowing for what? Another two or three months at the veryleast?”

I nodded because she wasright.

“Adding confusing feelings and a guy to your stress right now would be silly. And the Mantas are in the playoff hunt right now. That’s because of Erik. He built this team. He’s their leader. They wouldn’t be here now, with a serious shot at the World Series for the first time in over fifteen years, if it weren’t for him. The last thing he needs is a distraction. Not even a beautiful, smart distractionlikeyou.”

“See? The timing is awful.” I heard myself say that perfectly logical sentence and yet I didn’t feel it in my heart one little bit. Nope. Hearing June say that Erik was too busy to date me, that we should wait, it hit me inthegut.

June laughed, standing up, which was when I realized the sneaky little trickster did that on purpose. Tell me I can have something if I want it and I’ll debate all the reasons it’s abadidea.

But tell me I can’t have it? Tell me it’swrong?

All I could think about now wasnothaving Erik in my life, how hollow it mademefeel.

“I know what youjustdid.”

June paused in my doorway, impish grin firmly in place. “What? You’re right. You shouldn’t be thinking about Erik right now.” Her stupid eyesglittered.

“The timing is terrible,” I muttered again. “I don’t think I’m ready yet.” Bothweretrue.

“The timing isneverright, Zoe. And no one is ever ready to fall in love. It happensanyway.”

* * *

When June saidI had big things happening she meant it. My life was one great bigbigright now. Everything was changing. Some days I did really well with it. I kept my nose down, did the work, and ignored thecrazy.

Butotherdays...

Other days I got turned in fifteen different directions and ended up curled up in a little ball crying. I was traveling to meet with the movie producers, handing off tasks to the assistant June and Carrie made me hire. I needed her, I admit. But it’s hard to have someone else do the things I usually did myself. I kept thinking, “Oh, I can throw together this email. And make this graphic to share on Instagram. And write this blurb. And write the next chapter in the book.”Except there aren’t enough hours in the day to do that, plus the travel, plus the interviews, plus the new marketing that came up to support all of it, plusremainsane.

So clearly, yes, I needed an assistant. Actually I probably needed two or three at this point, but one was killing me so I wasn’t going to askformore.

And now with thoughts of Erik dancing in my head I was losingmymind.

So I went back to my roots. I shut off the computer. No social media. No blinking cursor on my partially written book. I turned off the lights, lit a couple of candles, put on my super expensive-because-oh-my-god-they’re-awesome headphones, and laid down in the middle of thefloor.

My grandmother loved poetry. She wrote itsometimes.

I never understood it. Poetry just wasn’t mything.

Or so Ithought.

Turns out I loved poetry...when it was put to music. Lyrics I understood. I got lost in them. I could spend days analyzing a single line that caught my attention. I’m not sure if it was the addition of music that suddenly made this form of poetry make sense or if it was being able to hear the writer emote the words, but music always got deep down inside me. The words spoke to me like whispers in the dark. Lyrics were essentially poetry—my kind of poetry—and when I was mixed up on a project the very best way for me to dig back into the message of my characters was to get lost in my favoritesongs.

On tap today: Imagine Dragons, Twenty-One Pilots, andFalloutBoy.