Page 13 of Last Fall

“You don’t exactly go around kissing a lotofmen.”

Nope. Just the one. “I make people kiss in my bookseveryday.”

“Just because you are intimately familiar with the action doesn’t mean you kissing a real man in real life isn’t huge. You picked the right guy to bring you out of retirement.Erik’shot.”

Drop-dead gorgeous, to be exact. Those brooding eyes of his did me in every single time. “It was just...I was having a moment. And he was there. I used him. I’mauser.”

June laughedand laughedat that. “I promise you that Erik felt anythingbutused.”

“This isn’tfunny.”

“Oh it’s hilarious. Erik has been waiting on this kiss for a long time. You didn’t use him. You madehisday.”

My heart fluttered hard at that idea. “Thissucks.”

“What exactly sucks? Not the kiss and not having a sexy, successful athlete hoping for another one.” She nudged me with her pointer finger. “So it has to be something else. Something I don’tunderstand.”

“This whole twisty, confusing, anxiety process!” I threw my hands in the air, wishing it would somehow cleartheair.

Itdidn’t.

“I know I write this stuff. I actually kind of enjoy torturing my characters. But living it? This is just awful. How on earth did you surviveRoman?”

“Oh,” she giggled. “You mean theI think I like him, does he like me, oh god what happens if this is a disaster,process?”

“Yep.That.”In my books I sometimes made it last for chapters and chapters. The tension. The tug and pull of attraction and learning to trust. As a writer—and even as a reader—I ate this part of dating up with a spoon. I was clearly a very twisted soul because the real life version wasnauseating.

Attraction? Clearly we bothhadit.

Kissing? So good it should beillegal.

Personality?Noclue.

Habits? Zeroinformation.

Future hopes and dreams? Alsoazero.

Worthy of trust?Hellno.

And yet I couldn’t stop reliving our kisses, wondering what an afternoon together would look like, if he even liked the idea of commitment. Even more important, could he put up with the life of a writer? It was a demanding and strange lifestyle. Sometimes I spent days in a row without changing out of my pajamas. And then I’d do a complete turn around, made-up like a movie star for public appearances. Some days I was a regular person with doubts and too much work, while other days I was a sort ofcelebrity.

Erik was a celebrity all day, every day. If I turned on the television he’d probably be in one of the commercials. His face was on billboards on the highway. Everyone in Tampa knew ErikCassidy.

Would he understand day three of no showering while on deadline? Did he enjoy sneaking into movie theaters for a quiet two hours of popcorn and candy? Or did he prefer nights at the clubs with adoring fans and a different woman everynight?

“Earth to Zoe,” Junecooed.

“Sorry. I wasthinking.”

“I could tell. I can also guess that most of those thoughts were about who Erik is, and I’m here to remind you that you actually know the guy pretty well. He’s exactly the man who shows up to family dinner. He’s a father figure to the team and keeps a pretty lowprofile.”

“We never really know someone until they choose to show us who they are.” Yeah, it was a super pessimistic view on humanity, but one I’d learned all too well. Maybe it was wrong to hold onto it so hard, but holding onto it was what helped keep me from repeating the mistakes of my past. Trusting too soon was not something I’d ever doagain.

“We’re talking about the ex now,right?”

I shrugged because I didn’t even want to acknowledge him with asingleword.

“I owe you an ear still. You were here for me when I needed to tell someone about Roman and I promised I’d return thefavor.”