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“We sort of figured,” Luca said. “Even if I still have to struggle to get my brain around it, sometimes.”
In the back of my head, my broken mating bond pulsed like a drum.
“I just...” I began, and then stopped. “I need you to understand that I’ll always hold space for Julie. In my heart... in my thoughts. And I worry that the space she takes up will make you believe you don’t matter.”
Luca winced; the movement small but noticeable.
Mia frowned. “I think I’d worry more if you’d been mated to someone, and were able to forget about them completely after they were gone.”
“No,” Luca said. “That was directed at me, not you.”
I couldn’t exactly deny it.
“There was a really long time when I didn’t understand,” I told him. “I thought you wanted nothing to do with Byron and me outside of your heats, because we were alphas—and alphas had done nothing but hurt you.”
Luca looked away. “Not really that simple, is it?”
“I get that now,” I said. “And I think Byron and I spent years making things worse instead of better. We withdrew from you because we thought it was what you wanted. But all that time...”
“I was pushing you away because I couldn’t stand thinking about how I always begged you to bite me during my heats. I thought I didn’t deserve a mating bond,” Luca finished.
“And the fact that we didn’t fight you on it just reinforced what was already in your head.” Even now, the knowledge made me sick.
“Yeah,” Luca admitted, deflating.
“But you do know now that it wasn’t like that?” I asked, hoping I was right about the answer. “Emiel showed you that, didn’t he?”
A sad little smile tipped up the corner of Luca’s full lips.
“Emiel and I are a bit of a special case,” Luca said.
“But?” I pressed.
“But he did show me that it could work. And I do believe you and Byron want it.” His green eyes bored into mine with sudden intensity. “Mia told me you freaked out a bit while you and she were talking about pups. Zalen, I don’thaveto skip the birth control shot for this heat. Not if the idea bothers you.”
My heart ached in a way that had nothing to do with my broken bond. “Oh, Luca. No.No. It’s not that. It’s just... well, the same thing again, I suppose. There’s a hole inside me, in the shape of the pups I never had with Julie. Your pups—ourpups—can’t fill it. They can only live next to it. I worry that’s not fair to you. Orthem.”
And if we’re mated, you’ll always be able to feel that hole through our bond, I didn’t add.
Luca’s expression morphed through several emotions, Mia watching quietly from the sidelines as we both worked through whatever it was that we were working through. After a few moments, it cleared.
“I’m a basket case, and everyone here knows it. I can’t compete with the memory of the perfect mate you lost,” he said. “But I can exist alongside her in your heart, the same way I’ll be existing alongside Mia. I just need to know that I won’t have to live up to those perfect memories, because I can’t. I have to know that you’re mating me—matingus—forus.”
All the worry and tension drained out of me in a flood. Becausethat, I could answer without reservation.
“Stay with me tonight. Both of you. Let me show you exactly how much I want to be one of the alphas in your pack,” I said impulsively. “I can’t promise you the part of my heart that holds my love for Julie, and the life we might have had. But I can promise that there’s a hell of a lot more space in there that’s yours and yours alone.”
Mia caught Luca’s gaze, her expression soft. After a moment, they smiled at each other, uncomplicated and happy.
“Deal,” Luca said.
“Deal,” she echoed.