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She knew exactly what I meant by that. We’d had the conversation before. In fact, it felt like I’d had the conversationendlessly—with her, with Emiel, with our therapist.
“Okay.” I could tell she was holding her emotions in check for me, and it only added to my nagging guilt.
This should behermating day. Or... maybe not today, but she should be the center of the pack. Emiel and I shouldn’t be hogging the spotlight like this, making what should be a natural and joyful part of life into our own personal trauma-fest.
She moved her hands from my shoulders to my face, cupping my jaw. Her palms weren’t smooth and soft like mine. They were callused and strong from wielding a chef’s knife for hours every day.
Held in place, I continued to meet her gaze as she examined my expression with a furrowed brow.
“Sorry,” I murmured, humiliation flooding through me. “I know I shouldn’t be like this.”
Her frown deepened. “Like what?Nervous? Of course you’re nervous, Luca! So, tell me again what’s going to happen if it does go wrong.”
We’d hadthisconversation before, as well. Apparently, I needed to have it again.
“The medical staff will administer mild sedatives,” I said by rote. “And if that’s not enough to break the negative emotional feedback loop within an hour or two, I’ve pre-filled the consent forms for a glandectomy. I’ll be taken to surgery and have my mating gland removed.”
This doesn’t have to be permanent, I reminded myself firmly.If it goes wrong, Emiel won’t be stuck living in my nightmares for the rest of our lives.
“And you’re still okay with that decision?” Mia asked.
I hesitated, then nodded within the gentle cage of her hands. She let out a breath and shifted her grip, pulling me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around her tightly.
“I know you’re doing this to protect the rest of us,” she said against my ear. “And I hate the fact that you think you need to. But I also love you for doing it.Bothof you.”
I made a small noise that absolutely wasn’t a whimper.
“Love you, too,” I rasped.
A soft knock sounded at the door. I flinched, unable to stifle the instinctive startle response. With sudden, desperate urgency, I wished that we were back in my familiar, comfortable nest, surrounded by pillows and blankets imbued with the scents of the people I loved.
But my nest didn’t have a team of medical professionals on standby, ready to leap into action in the event of catastrophic mating trauma.
The door creaked open just as Mia and I broke apart, her hand still gripping my shoulder in unspoken support.
“Hi.” Emiel’s complexion had a grayish cast beneath his dark skin. He hesitated on the threshold, as though unsure of his welcome.
“Hi,” I breathed.
All at once, his scent hit me, and I was transported back to the night of the New Year’s Eve party, when I’d handcuffed him to the bed and ridden him to completion, drunk on champagne and my own horniness. I’d practicallydaredhim to bite me as we both lay shuddering in the aftermath.
I knew what had changed since then, though. Well... besides me not being drunk. I’d had too much time to think this last week, even as I’d been trying to avoid it. But this was the same alpha who’d tied himself in knots—and handcuffs—to keep me safe; who’d refused to give into his own instincts because he wasn’t sure how many drinks I’d had that night.
“Come in,” I said, my mouth dry as dust.
Emiel came in.
Behind him followed a beta nurse wheeling a tray full of medical equipment. She smiled disarmingly as she parked the rolling table near the bed.
“Good morning,” she said. “If you’re ready to proceed, I’ll need to hook you up with some remote sensors that the doctor will monitor from her station. Now, you’ve both signed forms stating that you are entering this mating of your own free will. But I’m required to inform you that consent may be withdrawn at any time until the act is complete. Do you both wish to continue?”
“Yes,” Emiel said, seemingly without hesitation.
“Yes,” I croaked.
“And you are comfortable with Ms. Dimitriadis being present as a witness?” the nurse added.
“Yes,” I said, with much more certainty this time.