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MARIAH:Woof

I don’t wait for Ellie before I start setting up the traps in his little truck.

Ellie joins me several minutes later and jumps into the driver’s seat, peeling off her moustache as she does. “All set?”

“Yeah, I think so.” I look over the interior, and nothing seems out of place.

“We should check to see if it works. I’ll be Matt, you be his next date.” Ellie leans against the seat and manspreads, regarding me with a Joey fromFriends“How you doin’?” look.

I snort a laugh at her impression but can’t help but squeeze my legs together. Ellie is normally super femme, but masc energy really works for her. I have to admit, I’m a little turned on.

“Hey, baby,” she says in a deep voice. “Buckle in, sweet cheeks, let’s go on our date.”

I try to remain stoic as I reach for my seat belt, pulling it across my lap to find a bright red thong wrapped around the buckle. “What’s this?” My voice trembles against a laugh.

“Oh, shit!” Ellie grabs it. “Sorry, sugar plum, no idea how that got there. Let me put this away—” She reaches past me to open the glove compartment, only to have an avalanche of condoms and lube spill out over my lap.

I burst out laughing, unable to contain myself any longer.

Ellie keeps up the ruse, pretending to be a very flustered Jax as he fumbles with everything, trying to shove it back in the box, all while muttering apologies and calling me increasingly cringy pet names until I’m howling.

Finally, Ellie breaks character, regarding me with a radiant smile. “You have the best laugh.”

“Oh my god, I do not.” I wipe my eyes. “I sound like a suffocating goose.”

She chuckles. “Maybe I like suffocating geese.”

Ellie’s face glows with such fondness it turns my insides to goop. “Okay, let’s get this set up again and get out of here.”

She claps her hands. “Phase two!”

“Oh, another thing, look what I found in his glove box.” I show her his insurance papers.

“‘Matthew Jackson,’” she reads.

“Just in case you needed more proof.”

Ellie shrugs. “I didn’t, but I appreciate you thinking of me.”

After shoving his papers back into the glove box and resetting the trap, we exit the vehicle. I hand Ellie Jax’s keys, which she eyes mischievously before moving to the back of the truck and unlocking the tunnel-cover, sliding it open to look in the truck bed.

“What are you doing?” I ask. This wasn’t part of the plan.

“Jackpot!” Ellie hoists his gym bag out and slides the cover shut.

I panic. “What are you doing with that?”

An insidious grin lights up her face. “Do you know how much stuff we can fuck with in here?”

“I don’t know...”

“I promise, all Regina George, no Carrie Underwood.”

I hesitate, pressing my lips together, not entirely trusting Ellie to keep us out of jail considering the ideas she’s had in the past. “Stealing isn’t something I’m okay with.”

“It’s not stealing, it’s borrowing. We’ll return it in one hour. He’ll never even know it’s gone. Please please please?” She sticks her big bottom lip out.

“Fine.” I cave with a roll of my eyes. “But this better be very Regina George, or I’m out.”