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I entwine my fingers with hers. “You know... This is the best Christmas I’ve had in a long time.”

Mariah smiles. “This is the best Christmas I’ve ever had.”

“Merry Christmas.” I struggle to maintain my cheerful countenance despite how much my chest aches. I step into her arms and let my forehead lie on her chest, feeling the gentle swell of her breasts rise and fall with her breath, listening to the beat of her heart.

“I wish we’d have had the whole night to ourselves,” I say. “But I’m glad we taught Matt a final lesson. The way you stood up for me... Thank you. No one has ever done that for me before.”

“I meant what I said.” Mariah’s eyes search mine, drawing me close. “You deserve someone who truly appreciates you, and values you, and is honest with you all the time.”

I tense at her words. She says I deserve all these nice things, but I can never seem to have them. Time and time again, I meet someone amazing, I catch feelings, and then the rug is ripped out from under me when they pursue something—or someone—more important. Mariah’s kind words don’t do anything to stem the pain of her going down to LA rather than staying up here with me. I’m not her priority—and why should I be? She just met me.

Someday I’ll find someone whowillmake me a priority.

But that doesn’t make my heart hurt any less, seeing her here, watching those beautiful eyes of hers search mine.

Despite knowing we have no future, reminding myself of Mariah’s choice over and over again, what my heart wants and needs right now is Mariah.

Three little words echo in the back of my mind.

Now is not the right time to say them.

It may never be the right time for us.

“I know whatever this is ends tomorrow,” I begin, reaching out for Mariah’s hands. “I know you have dreams to chase, and those dreams don’t include me... but we still have tonight. Can we pretend, just for tonight, that we’re going to see each other again?”

Mariah’s eyes shine as she regards me. “Who says my dreams don’t include you?”

“Don’t get my hopes up,” I say with a bit more bite in my tone than intended. “This is hard enough as it is.”

“But...”

“We need to keep being honest with each other. Your path is taking you one way, and mine is taking me another. That doesn’t mean that what we have right here, right now, isn’t important and special.”

Mariah squeezes my hands, giving me courage to go on.

“I know I haven’t been with any other women before, and that I’ve just been fumbling around like a goof—”

Mariah laughs through the tears that have begun to well in her eyes. “None of this has been fumbling.”

I smile back. “I’ve felt a little fumbly!”

Mariah shrugs. “The fumbling, the figuring it out, it’s all part of it. And, for the record, my first time with you was way better than like ninety percent of the sex I’ve had in my life.”

I perk up. “Really?”

“You have natural talents.” She bites her lip. “Even though this came about rather suddenly for you.”

I bask in her praise for a moment, then turn serious. “I’ve given it a lot of thought. About my sexuality. I know it seemssudden to you, but looking back, it’s like I see everything through a different lens. Was I intimidated by the new girl in grade eight, or was I attracted to her? Was I jealous of my best friend in grade ten because she got a boyfriend and spent more time with him than me, or was I envious because he got to kiss her and I didn’t? And it makes the wholeRomeo and Julietthing more confusing. Did I wish I was kissing James Tyler, or Ashleigh Blake? I feel like I’ve opened my eyes to a side of myself that’s always been there but I didn’t see clearly.”

Mariah weighs her words for a moment then takes a slow breath. “I’m glad I could help you... see this side of yourself.”

“What I’m trying to say is, what we had will always be special. I found a part of myself through you.” I swallow a lump forming in my throat. “I hope we can still keep in touch. Stay friends.”

Mariah nods, dropping her gaze to the floor. “Stay friends.”

“But I don’t want to talk about that anymore,” I say, taking her chin and tilting it back up so she looks in my eyes. “It’s our last night together, and I don’t want to think about the future. About you leaving...”About you choosing your job over me...“I just want it to be us.”

Mariah nods, then takes a moment to think. “Since you’ve been honest with me, it’s only fair I’m honest with you. I want you to know...” She closes her eyes, steeling herself.