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Ben glanced down at her with almost hostile eyes. She flinched, her smiling fading. What had she done wrong now?

“You don’t want pasta?”

“Meat. I need some meat, girl. You didn’t cook any meat?”

“I didn’t …” she shuddered “I didn’t but I can see if we have some in the freezer and cook it up real quick in the sauce.”

Please dear God let her have something.

Ben worked his jaw back and forth. Between gritted teeth he said, “That’s goin’ to take too damn long. I want to eat when I walk in, not an hour later.”

She nodded, rolling her bottom lip between her teeth. “Next time I’ll make sure to have some protein for you. I’m sorry, Ben,” she said earnestly, “I didn’t know, but it won’t happen again. I promise. I just want to make you happy.”

A happy Ben meant a happy hand. That’s what she told herself at least.

“I’ll let it slide this time, but don’t let it happen again. Got it?”

Alyssa nodded her head vehemently. She wouldn’t make the mistake again. Even though Ben was scolding her for something she didn’t know she did wrong, Alyssa looked into his deep brown eyes, eyes that were almost black and she felt her stomach doing summersaults.

Why was it, even when he was being a straight up asshole that she needed to steer clear of, she wanted him? It wasn’t normal. Maybe she wasn’t normal.

Ben’s heated glance was messing with her pregnant emotions. It was the half-smile kind of smirk that melted her inside and made her want him. She should be pushing him away, but she couldn’t help herself when she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. She nestled her face in his neck, pressing a kiss lightly to his sunburned skin. Ben reciprocated and wrapped his arms around Alyssa’s growing waist, the strength in his arms warming her sad heart.

“Love you, Lyss,” he whispered near her ear.

Her heart splintered. How could he love her but hurt her at the same time? That wasn’t love.

“I know I’m a mean asshole at times, but I don’t mean it, girl. I swear it.”

“I know you don’t,” she whispered softly.

“I mean it, I love you.”

Could this be any harder for her? God. Like she needed this right now. She needed to keep things in check, but it was so hard. Life at nineteen was difficult. She didn’t have anyone to rely on or a shoulder to cry on. She kept everything bottled up. It was the worst thing she could possibly do, especially while pregnant, but she couldn’t help it. It was how she was wired.

So she stayed quiet. What other options did she have? All she could do was mutter, “I love you, too,” Even though she didn’t mean it.

Some days Alyssa was completely disgusted with herself.

She hated who she had become—her mother. It was the one person, well, the only parental in her life that she did not want to turn out like. Moving from guy to guy with any money that would take care of her? She wished she hadn’t, but when her mother threw her out she didn’t know where to turn. Actually, she hadn’t moved around in the sense her mom had, but she did go to Ben the moment it got tough and she truly despised herself for being so weak.

All because she had that need to feel wanted.

Another month had passed, another season almost coming to an end which meant John’s thirty days of training came to an end and she hadn’t seen him. It hurt. She thought he would come home even if just for a few days, but he hadn’t. Maybe he wasn’t able to? Maybe he had some type of extended training? Or maybe he had moved on? She thought about him every day and hoped he thought of her too. He was what got her through each day. John was her light.

Ben’s verbal abuse was still very present, but his hand was not, and that, she was thankful for. He reminded her daily that she was his problem now, forced to take care of her because her lousy mother didn’t want her. His hatred toward her seemed to grow each day and it frightened her. She didn’t understand when she catered to his every need, yet no matter what she did it always seemed to backfire on her. Instead, Ben took to hooking up with random chicks and coming home completely drunk, telling her all about what he can get. As if she even cared. Some nights he was so drunk, Alyssa wasn’t even sure how he made it home in one piece.

“Bitch! Where the hell are my socks?” Ben yelled one early morning before he had to leave for work.

Alyssa cringed. “Ben, please stop calling me names. I don’t deserve it. You can ask me without saying bitch.”

“Shut the fuck up and find my socks!” he sneered, a cigarette bouncing on his lip.

She handed him his socks. “I don’t have to stay with you, I can leave.”

“Oh yeah?” he perked up. “You think you can take my kid and run? Where ya gonna go? No one wants a fat bitch with stretch marks. You got no one. You’re stuck with me like I am with you.” Alyssa remembered John’s words that day at his house, telling her that she’s not fat, she’s pregnant. She replayed the words constantly in her head.

Finding the courage deep down, Alyssa pushed her chin in the air. She had enough. “Like hell I am. I’ll leave tonight if I want.”