Page 40

‘I’ve just got a couple of errands to run. I’ll come around to you in fifteen minutes. Is that okay?’

‘Yeah, sure. Are you sure you’re all right? You sound strange.’

‘That’s what a juicing weekend will do to you,’ Holly said. ‘Honestly, I think I probably just need some sugar. I’ll be over in a minute.’

‘Sure thing. I’ll get the wine ready.’

As Holly hung up the phone, a sharp tug of guilt yanked at her chest. That was probably the most she’d lied to any of her friends in a very, very, very long time.

Almost nothing she’d said had been true, apart from the bust-up with Sienna and it being her fault. She and Giles had definitely not cleared the air. In fact, they’d never had more things they needed to discuss, but she couldn’t send a text, and she couldn’t phone him either, so what choices did that leave? A letter didn’t feel right either. A letter would require delivering and would be a tangible piece of evidence of everything that had gone on. But then, maybe there was another way after all. Another way she could get down everything she needed to say.

‘I guess I’m sending an email,’ she said to Rhubarb, who had begun pouncing on a stray hair tie Hope had left lying about.

Moving over to the desk, she opened up her laptop and began to write. It wasn’t as easy as she had hoped. A myriad of thoughts flowed through her mind, but she didn’t know where to start. If she started with what a bitch Sienna was, Giles might think she was diverting the attention away from herself, like she wasn’t to blame and she didn’t feel responsible for what had happened. Then again, she was happy to take half the blame, but not all of it. There was no way she would take all the blame. After all, there were two people involved in that kiss and as far as she was concerned, Giles had initiated it just as much as she had. But how did she say that without implying he was a terrible person who cheated on his fiancée, unless she mentioned how horrible Sienna was? It was a catch-22.

‘Why is this so hard?’ she said, dropping her head into her hands. She and Giles talked about everything. He was her go-to person. Why was it so difficult to tell him the truth in this situation? A deep throbbing began behind her ribs. Perhaps, she thought, it was because she didn’t want to admit the truth to herself. She couldn’t admit the truth, could she?

It was then that her fingers started writing. Not much. Barely even a sentence. Just seven short words. Seven short words that felt like freedom. That felt like releasing a rope that had bound her in place for longer than she’d even realised. Seven short words that would upset everything.

‘Who’m I kidding?’ she said as Rhubarb jumped onto her lap. ‘There’s no way I can send that. That would just make things more complicated. A lot more complicated.’

With a heavy sigh, she read through the sentence once more before shaking her head and lifting her arm. She hadn’t realised until that moment that Rhubarb had her back legs balanced on her, and that by shifting her position even slightly, Holly left the kitten with no choice but to move. In the split second, as she went to press the delete button, Rhubarb jumped onto her keyboard and her small paw hit the mouse. At any other time, that might not have been an issue. Only the cursor was hovering directly over the send button, and the minute the mouse was pushed, it clicked.

‘No!’ Holly squealed as she saw the moment unfolding, but it was too late. The email had gone. Giles knew exactly how she felt.

43

Holly couldn’t fall asleep.

She tried, but every two minutes, she was struck with the urge to check her phone and see if Giles had messaged her – a text, an email, a missed call, anything at all. But there was nothing. Maybe it was because he knew, like she did, that it couldn’t possibly be true, could it? She didn’tactuallylove him, did she? She had just written the words down, that was all. She hadn’t had any intention of him seeing them.

With a loud groan, Holly covered her face with her hands. Why had she even written it in an email? That had to be the worst option of all; there was no way of telling whether he’d read it. Maybe she should ring him now. Would it be that unusual? She’d rung him late at night before. Sometimes for specific reasons, like when a thought had struck, and she didn’t want to forget it, or she wanted to ask him a question, but other times, she just wanted to talk, and he was the one person she knew wouldn’t mind being woken up in the middle of the night just to listen to her.

But that was different. He wasn’t engaged then. Sienna would be there if she rang him now. Sienna, who lied. Sienna, who was, just as Holly had said, a manipulative narcissist, and Holly didn’t want her anywhere within earshot when she spoke to Giles and told her exactly what type of woman he was planning on marrying. Then again, what type of woman wasshe? Holly’s anger turned inwards. It was all very well pointing out Sienna’s faults, but it didn’t change that she was the type of person who kissed another woman’s fiancé; that was who.

She sat bolt upright in bed, as another thought struck. What if he’d already told Sienna? It wasn’t beyond the realms of possibility. After all, Sienna had told him about the argument – or at least her version of it. Who was to say Giles wouldn’t be bound by loyalty and need to get it off his chest the second he saw her? Oh God. Holly could feel the panic starting again. What was she going to say to Sienna if she did turn up? She couldn’t deny it, obviously. That would make her look crazy. But if she started a tit for tat with all the things Sienna had done, had said, then she’d just look bitter and jealous.

Besides, she refused to take all the blame. She was the one who had broken away. How long would they have gone on kissing for if she hadn’t stopped? And who was to say kissing was all they would have done? The thought made her feel simultaneously dizzy and nauseous. She could not think about doing those things with Giles Caverty. It was a one-off, an accident, and it would never happen again. She was positive. It was just like she’d said to Sienna: all this crazy change was doing something strange to her. That was why it had happened. So what about the words she wrote in the email? The email she hadn’t planned on sending. Yes, that was just another moment of unbalanced thinking. She would go to sleep, wake up in the morning and feel absolutely back to normal. That was the plan, at least.

* * *

‘You’re coming over to Ben and Georgia’s today, aren’t you?’ Jamie said when she popped into the sweet shop around midday.

‘Ben and Georgia’s? Why are we going there? It’s a Monday.’

‘They sent a message saying they wanted to have a barbecue, you know. First barbecue of the year and everything. Everybody’s going.’

‘Everybody?’

‘Well, you know… Caroline and Ian, Sienna and Giles?—’

‘I’ve got loads of tax work stuff to do,’ Holly said.

‘Taxes?’ Jamie replied. ‘You did your taxes last month. UK taxes are due in April, remember?’

‘Yes, yes, absolutely.’ Holly could feel the heat rising up through her neck. ‘It’s just… obviously, April, June… I need to make sure I don’t make the same mistakes I did last year. I promised the accountant. I had a load of things muddled. Really boring… just dates and numbers. Lots and lots of numbers.’

‘Numbers, for an accountant? That’s unusual,’ Jamie said. Her eyes narrowed. ‘There’s something going on.’