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He regards her with curiosity. “Who would be your first choice?”

We weave our way between the sandcastles, towels, and tanning bodies.

“Hmmmm someone with Elio’s looks and your personality. And heterosexual obvs,” Her eyes twinkle and Massi grins at her. “What about you, Cheska? Who’s your first choice?”

I stop laughing and feel bubbles of anxiety gathering in my gut. How I feel about Giovanna is the one thing I have always kept from Massimo. Gathering my wet, salty hair into a messy bun on top of my head, I look out to the sea and try to imagine a world in which nothing is in the way of me walking up to Giovanna and pressing my lips to hers.

“Same person I’ve wanted forever. But it’s ridiculous. I’m marrying Elio and I don’t think she would ever want to be with me anyway. Not like I’d want.” I don’t realise what I’ve said until Massi clears his throat.

“Ahem.SHE? Something you wanna tell us, babe?” Sammy’s eyes are even wider than they were before.

I feel the colour drain from my face. I’m not stupid, I know I’m being a homophobic bitch to myself. I’ve never so much as had a bad thought about Massi being gay and our families are fine with him. I don’t know what has made me so cagey about it.

Massi’s eyes are wide too and his mouth hangs open. “You did not seriously come out just now!” He gasps.

“Woah woah woah. Hold your horses, okay?” I gather my composure and take a breath before continuing. “It’s not that exciting, I’m basically straight. I just have like one tiny bit that isn’t quite so straight. Like really small.” I ramble on.

He shakes his head baffled. With good reason too. “Babe, we literally partied in gay clubs every week in London and you never said or did anything. What the fuck?”

How can I explain to him that I have never so much as kissed a girl, but that I am incurably obsessed with one woman?

“It just never happened. Doesn’t mean I wasn’t looking.”

“This isn’t like FOMO right?”

“What?” Sammy and I ask at the same time.

“You know, rainbow tourism. Identify as bi in your twenties for the clout and then sink into heterosexual suburbia in your thirties.” He’s teasing me, but there are real questions in there. I know it drives him mad that the gay scene is full of activists with blue hair who think being gay has more to do with Marxism than having sex with someone of the same sex. His words still sting a bit though. I know my feelings are real, I just never had the chance to act on them because they’ve always been so focused on one unattainable person.

“This is why I never said anything, you dickhead. It’s not an identity thing. I’ll happily never talk about it again. I’m much more often attracted to men anyway.”

Massi is looking at me like he doesn’t know me anymore. I’m regretting saying anything. “Okay then…but when you’re paddling the pink canoe -”

“Uh, when I’m doing what now?”

“You know, having a threesome with a couple of no-shows…tickling the undercarriage! Rubbing one out.” His cheeky grin grows wider with each euphemism until he’s shaking with laughter.

“Riiiight.Ménage à Moi.” Sammy has the giggles too. They’re both rolling around on their towels like idiots.

“Petting the cat?” I giggle, joining in.

“Buttering your muffin!”

“DJing in the basement - OKAY STOP LAUGHING, both of you! What do you think about? Guys? Gals? Both?” Massi can barely talk between his cackles.

The question quickly brings my laughter to a halt and I am embarrassed, to tell the truth. It is really pathetic. I’m pathetic. And obsessive. “Uh, no comment.” I squeak.

“You do wank right?” His eyes are as wide as saucers.

“Pffft! Of course!”

“Then why are you so embarrassed? Omg, do you have a fetish or something?”

“Laaaawwwwwwd help me. No. I just always think about the same person. Always have. Since the first time. Ha! Weird right?”

“Man or woman?” Sammy seeks clarification.

“Woman.”