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“Francesca,” Giovanna groans, sleepy and exasperated, a few moments later.

“I hate you,” I reply, my voice thick as I battle the tears threatening to fall.

She is silent for a moment and then sighs. “I know, baby. I hate myself too. Go to sleep.”

And I do. In her arms, I slip into the easiest sleep I have had all week. I know that the morning will bring with it more heartache. She will push me away again. But for now, I feel safe and exactly where I’m meant to be.

I wake before Giovanna. She is still wrapped around me and every fibre of my being cries out for me to burrow deeper into her arms and go back to sleep. Thankfully I have a tiny bit of self-preservation left and instead, I gently peel her off me and creep back to my own bed.

Sliding into the cold sheets feels like salt in the wounds of the past week, but I do it because I can’t bear the thought of waking alone in her bed again.

Chapter Fifty-Three

Francesca

18 Years Old

Everything is grey and cold here. The buildings are old and hardly anyone has gardens unless you drive far out of the city. And yet, this dreary place now feels like home. My grandparents are nice. They aren’t what I expected. I mean, they don’t even have devil’s horns. Though if they were really that bad it would be pretty messed up for Mum to send me here.

Two years on and there still isn't much about this situation that isn’t completely messed up. I go to therapy and talk about my feelings, but I still feel defective.

Maybe if I was stupid enough to think that I matter at all to my parents I’d be able to conjure up more outrage at what has been done to me. As it stands, I am under no illusions that my existence is viewed as anything more than a set of political opportunities for my father.

He once told me that if I were ugly he wouldn’t know what to do with me. For a moment I considered if that might be preferable. He might let me have control of my own life if I were unattractive. Maybe none of this would have even happened. Uncle David would have ignored me and I wouldn’t be a world away from Massimo. A world away fromher.

I know I’ll be here for a long time. Maybe I’ll never go back to Australia. Massi promises me he will move here as soon as he can, but I’m not holding my breath.

If I were to return to Australia, the thought of finding Giovanna in love with some woman makes me want to be sick. I am now finally old enough, and my body filling out enough, that she might notice me in the way I want, but I’ll never get a chance with her.

Is it possible that I love her? The obsession has always been there. The adoration and idolising like she is a celebrity I know in real life. But, the way I burn for her feels more intense than all that. I’ve known her forever and am not just blinded by the very best parts of her. Her constant seriousness, often grumpiness, isn’t something I have to overlook. Her broody and dark personality is part of the appeal. I want to be enveloped in her darkness. I want to be her light.

Maybe it’s my hormones, but I swear since I walked in on her having sex just before I left, I’ve thought about it every single day. It is branded in my brain and I relive all the little details of it. I’m utterly consumed with thoughts of her rippling back muscles and contracting bum as she thrust the strap-on in and out of the woman. A sheen of sweat coated her body and I imagine sliding my hands over it.

Most of all, I remember the way she stared at me over her shoulder. She didn’t stop fucking. I see the combination of all my favourite parts of her face. The scar in her eyebrow was pronounced as she arched it at me, the dimple deep in her cheek as her lip curled up, and that jawline. That strong jawline that somehow speaks of dominance.

If I wasn’t such a broken, sexually inept mess, I’d like to experience it all with someone. I’ll never have her and I need to get it out of my system, but how can I do that when I haven’t even been able to make myself come?

Lying in my bedroom at my grandparents' house, I can feel the dampness in my cotton knickers growing. I’ve touched myself before a little bit, trying to chase the experiences that girls at school have described. But at eighteen, I am the only one who hasn’t had an orgasm.

Most of them have even had sex, but it seems the orgasms are usually achieved solo.

I’ve been scared to touch myself properly after what happened to me. I start, but always end up stopping before I reach my goal.

There is a throbbing between my legs. It’s like thinking about Giovanna creates a physically painful response, but it is only painful in that it feels like a desperate ache that needs to be relieved.

Some of the girls at school have been eaten out by their boyfriends and even though I’ve never tried it, I can’t help thinking about how Giovanna’s hot, wet mouth would be the most perfect release.

I try to imagine how her tongue would feel sliding through the lips of my pussy. The idea makes me writhe in my bed. I trail a finger slowly down my wet underwear. My nail gently scratches over my clit, down to where I open. A shiver runs down my spine and I do it again.

My legs are splayed, the outer sides of my knees on the mattress, and the soles of my feet pressed together. My back arches a little as I continue to stroke myself through the outside of my knickers.

My other hand grasps one of my boobs. They’re only small, but they fill my hands. Would Giovanna like them? What if she likes big ones?

I play with my nipple, rolling it between my finger and thumb, sending little bolts of sensation down to my pussy. But it’s not enough. I yank down my knickers, kicking them down to the foot of the bed.

It feels bad to be so exposed. The feeling of the top sheet settling on my wet pussy makes me jump. The throbbing is intensifying. I gently run one finger through my slick folds and gasp at how good it feels. I spread my wetness around, generously covering my clit in my juices.

As soon as I start making little circles over my slippery clit I start to feel it. The feeling starts deep inside my tummy and builds like a kind of pressure. It feels so wonderful you just want to chase it and let it take over your whole body.