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“The bumper cars are right there.” He indicates the line with his free hand.
“Exactly. And the jumbotron is on the other side of the festival, so unless you wanted to get rid of my hand right away, maybe just trust me on this one. I know how to date.”
“Yes, sir. You know I love it when you’re bossy.”
I take the lead, and we enjoy some rides before he says, “You wanna go ice-skating? They already got up the indoor rink for when it transitions to the winter festival.”
Tension twists up in me, but when I see how excited Ty is, I can’t say no.
It should be a fun thing, but when I get to the rink and start putting on my skates, uneasiness rises within me. I try to push it aside. I want to enjoy my day with Ty, but when I look out at the rink, I could swear I see a familiar face among the others, and I search desperately, not because I think he’s really out there, but because I just want to see that face again, even if it’s an illusion.
“Lance? You good?”
I notice his skates are already laced up.
“Uh…yeah. Fine.”
He glares at me.
“Just had a moment.”
“About Kacey?”
I’m not surprised he could tell with just a look what I was thinking about. Not when he has something similar in his past.
“Yeah,” I say, and he reaches out, resting his hand on top of mine. “We took ice-skating lessons together when we were kids.”
“Oh my God,” he says, pulling his hand away, and starts unlacing his skates.
I take his wrist. “No, no. Please. I didn’t mean to mess this up.”
He turns to me, his eyes wide. “You think you’re messing this up by having an emotional reaction to something that meant a lot to you and your brother? Nothing is worth putting you through that, Lance.”
“But it’s not just that. Earlier when I was telling Mom and Dad about you, I was thinking how much I wish I could have told him. It would have been nice to have him there today.”
As his expression turns serious, I feel like I’ve ruined ourdate, but he says, “I know the feeling. Anytime anything good happens, I pull up my uncle’s number. I want to call and tell him what’s going on. I want to tell him about you, just like you want to tell Kacey about me.”
I rest my hand on his thigh.
“It’s hard for me,” he says, “because I know he’d want me to be happy, but sometimes when I’m happiest, it’s harder when I remember he’s not here anymore.”
His words cut to my core—the words of someone who really gets what I struggle with. I take his hand and roll it on my thigh, running my thumb over his palm.
“I think one of the reasons I avoid certain things Kacey and I enjoyed together is that I feel guilty enjoying them without him. But I also know that he, more than anyone else in the world, would want me to be happy. That day when you pranked us, I was thinking of something he once told me. It’s what convinced me to get out of the car in that ridiculous outfit.
“When I was in second grade, I lost some of my front teeth, and kids used to make fun of me because of it. I was so embarrassed, I didn’t tell anyone, but he noticed I wasn’t smiling as much. He knew something was wrong, and when I confessed, he told me he got bullied when he was my age because he had braces. I couldn’t imagine anyone making fun of him, so I asked him what he did, and he said,‘Embarrassing stuff happens, and sometimes, you just gotta own it. Don’t let anything keep you from being happy.’” It makes me tear up just thinking about it. “He was only in middle school, but even now, it sounds wise, profound. And I did what he said. I started smiling more, not caring if anyone saw my teeth. And I made more friends, ones who didn’t mention anything about the gap. I learned he was right, and it’s something I’vereminded myself of anytime I get shy or insecure or worried.”
Ty’s quiet for a moment. “He sounds like a really great brother.”
“He was,” I say quietly, my voice cracking slightly.
“Grant had little bits of wisdom he passed on to me too,” Ty says. “Always encouraging me whenever I was down. Always there for me. What Dad did, leaving Mom and me, was stuck in my head for a long time. I just couldn’t get how he could have fathered a kid and didn’t want anything to do with him. Something I thought about every Father’s Day, or when I’d see other kids with their dads at school events.” He’s got this far-off look in his eyes, as though he’s been transported into a memory, and I’m hoping I haven’t brought up something horrible for him. “One day, after a soccer event, my friend was being congratulated by his dad, and Grant and Mom were doing the same for me, but it just hit me hard, and he told me,‘I get why you’re hurting, but don’t get so hung up on the things that go wrong that you miss out on the things going right.’Not always easy to remember, but it really reminds me to look at all the wonderful things I have in my life, even when things aren’t going great.”
I grip his hand tighter. “They really just wanted us to be happy. And I know they’re right, and sometimes it feels like I’m betraying Kacey’s memory by refusing to have any fun like this. It’s just hard.”
Ty moves closer, putting his arm around me, and I bury my face in his chest. I’ve had plenty of times where I’ve buried my face in a pillow, trying to stifle my scream to keep Mom or Dad from hearing my pain, but it’s nice being able to hold him, someone who gets it, someone I don’t fear I’ll trigger by feeling this pain.
And it’s easy to forget where we even are as I hold himclose, taking deep breaths until I feel I can manage my emotions again.