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“That’s actually it, exactly,” I say, nodding at him. “Thank you.”

“Okay,” says Arrow, “but what about the rest of us? We were imprisoned, turned into murderous creatures that were treated like dogs, and we didn’t have a choice either, and you don’t see us fuckingTammy.”

“Arrow,” says Lotus. “Please try to be—”

“It’s true,” I say. “I get what you’re saying. No question, you guys have had it worse than me.”

Arrow scoffs. “Look, it’s not a competition. We’re not trying to get the award for who suffered the most.”

“That’s not what I meant,” says Striker.

“Look,” says Arrow, “none of us are exactly happy here.”

“What?” says Knight.

“I mean, Lotus and I have been talking about it,” says Arrow, “about all of it. Why do you think we’ve been going to talk to Kyvelki? We all need something to do. But it doesn’t have to mean you leave the pack, Calix. It doesn’t mean you fuck betas. It doesn’t mean—”

“Just, let’s calm down,” says Lotus.

“You’re not happy?” says Knight. “Seriously?”

Arrow groans.

“Okay, what you and I were talking about, Arrow,” says Lotus, “it’s different that what is going on with Calix, because he has been feeling this for a while, and—”

“I want you to get knocked up,” says Knight.

Lotus rounds on him. “Why are we even bringing that up?”

“You do it,” says Knight to me. “You knock her up. And stay.”

I let out a guffaw. “Hey, I’m not… that isn’t…” I try to gather myself. “Look, I don’t think bringing children into polyamorous relationships tends to solidify them.”

“I’m not sure it tends to solidify monogamous relationships,” says Striker. “From my experience as a priest with counseling couples, I think that if a relationship is strong, it weathers the disturbance of a child, but if it’s already weak, the child is a lot of strain and effort on a bond that isn’t built to withstand it.”

“Fine, I get it,” says Lotus, and she’s angry and hurt, and it spills through the bond and cuts into each of us. “No one wants to have a baby. Igetit.”

Instinctively, I reach for her. It just seems right to pull her into my arms.

She pushes away. “What is wrong with you?”

I step back, holding up both hands. “I don’t know.” I think I’m going to start crying now, too, and I don’t know if it’s because the bond is flooded with Lotus’s pain or if it’s because I feel like an utter piece of shit for having caused this, all of this. “I’m going to go, actually.”

“Do not go,” says Knight evenly. “You stay here.”

I don’t stay.

I flee the apartment.

I run away.

23

calix

“YOU DID WHAT?” says Tammy.

I’m in her apartment, where I’ve never been before. We mostly have hooked up in weird places, like the back seat of her car or in empty rooms at Cedar Falls. I texted her that I wanted to see her, and she told me to come over, and now I’m here, telling her what happened, and she’s freaked out. I don’t need a bond to know that she’s freaked out.