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I glance at it, making a face. “Do you think it’ll fit?” That’s the other issue with high end stores. Most of them don’t cater to women who have any amount of curve to them, and I am not even remotely small or skinny.
“Only one way to find out,” Bella insists.
That seems to be her motto for the afternoon.
We try on countless dresses and shirts and pants, coming out of the dressing rooms to show each other what we’re wearing.
She has me turn in front of the mirrors and tell her what I like and don’t like about each outfit. It feels silly at first, like I’m just playing pretend, but eventually, it starts to be really fun.
Bella’s energy is infectious, and seeing her being all excited about me trying things on makes me excited about it.
I spin around in a dress, making the skirt flare out around my legs, and she laughs delightedly.
“Oh, you have to get that one,” she declares. “And shoes to match!”
“I don’t know,” I tell her. “I’m mostly supposed to be getting things for my nest. Not really clothes and stuff.”
“We’ll do that too,” Bella promises. “But you can get yourself a few things that will make you feel good. That’s a part of it.”
And she’s right. Feeling good will make it all so much easier, so I agree to the dress and a couple other pieces from high end, designer lines, as well as shoes and a few pieces of jewelry that Bella insists will tie so many things together in my outfits. She calls them investment pieces, saying that the wife of three prominent CEOs has to look the part for events and stuff, and she has a point there, too.
Even with not getting everything we tried on, the bill is so much higher than anything I’ve ever spent in one go, and I wince as I swipe the card, trying to tap into Bella’s belief that I deserve it.
We go into a home goods store next, and test out pillows and blankets, touching them critically. Most of them are almost sinfully soft, and we load up on a bunch of them to add to my nest.
Those cost another small fortune, but Bella doesn’t even let me worry about it before she’s whisking me off to the next shop.
“Listen,” she says. “Xavier has more money than he knows what to do with. He doesn’t give us numbers or anything, but he’s always telling us that we don’t have to worry about a thing because he can handle it. He’s a billionaire. Spending a ton of money at a couple of shops isn’t going to break his bank.”
“You’re right. I know you’re right, it’s just…” I sigh. “I don’t even know how to explain it.”
“You’re not used to being treated the way you should be,” Bella says. There’s something almost wise in the way she says it, and I look at her, feeling vulnerable all of a sudden.
“Yeah, I guess you could say that. It’s like… I know I deserve things, and I know people are capable of caring about me, but it’s so hard to trust it sometimes, you know? That’s one of the big reasons why this fight with Xavier hit me so hard. The idea of someone I thought I knew, changing on me and becoming a completely different person is basically my biggest fear.”
Bella looks at me and gleeful expression melts into something more serious. “Has that happened to you before?”
I hesitate and then nod. “Yeah, it has. It’s one of those things where I feel like it’s my fault. Like I did something to make them change. Or I didn’t do enough to keep them from changing. It makes it hard to trust that people are who they say they are and that they have good intentions.”
“I get that,” Bella says. “And I can’t say that I’ve been through what you’ve been through, but I know how hard it is to trust people when you’ve been hurt.” There’s a knowing look on her face, like she can tell that there’s more to my story than I’ve told her.
And there is. Of course there is.
Thankfully, she doesn’t push too hard. Doesn’t try to get me to open up more than I’m willing to.
“Does Xavier know?” she asks.
I shake my head.
“I’m not going to say you should spill your guts to him or anything, if you’re not ready, but can I tell you something I’ve learned?”
“Sure,” I whisper.
“It’s hard to expect people to live up to things they don’t know about. If you told Xavier and the others how you feel, or what happened to make you feel the way you do, they might understand more and it would help things between you.”
“I can’t do that,” I say immediately. “I just… I can’t. I’m not ready.”
If they were serious about me maybe I could consider it, but with things the way they are, it’s not like there’s any reason to dig up all that trauma and lay it at their feet.