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Her heart raced and her body burned hot with desire and unexpressed passion. She moaned and shuddered under Hayley’s touches, unable to meet her eyes. Her breathing became ragged as her body tensed up. It was almost embarrassing to let Hayley see this, but she couldn’t control it. Anna erupted in pleasure, unable to contain herself after all this time building up to this moment with her.

In the moments that followed, Anna still couldn’t meet Hayley’s eyes. Instead, she rolled Hayley onto her back and kissed her just above her navel. She pushed her t-shirt up and ran her fingers along the waistband of Hayley’s pyjama bottoms. “Is this okay?” Anna whispered, kneeling between Hayley’s legs.

“Yes. Yes. Please.”

There was a hunger in Hayley’s eyes when Anna glanced up, finally able to look at her. She wanted this. It was incredible. Slowly, she pulled Hayley’s pyjamas down her legs and off, feasting on the sight before her. Her smell. Anna inhaled deeply, never having felt anything like this before. Slowly and tentatively, she lowered her mouth to Hayley and delicately kissed and licked. Hayley tasted divine. Was this heaven? Anna got lost in the sensation, in Hayley’s folds and in the wetness under her tongue. She focused on what she was doing, desperately hoping to make her come.

But Hayley tensed up, and not in a good way. Her body went rigid. She stopped making any noises.

“Is this not good?”

“Yes. It’s just. I’m… in my head.”

“Do you want me to stop?”

“No. No. I want you to keep going.”

Anna nodded. She lowered herself again and reached up and took Hayley’s hand. “If you like what I’m doing, squeeze my fingers, okay?”

Hayley smiled, unsurely. “Okay.”

Anna dipped her head and licked, so slowly. A gentle squeeze on her fingers made Anna tingle and she focused on doing that to Hayley. But no matter what Anna did, it didn’t seem to be having the right effect. Hayley would gasp and squeeze her fingers, only to fizzle out and go back to the start. Anna was at it for so long, she lost track of time. She was getting hot and sweaty, and tired. And embarrassed. Was she not good at this? Maybe she wasn’t. She’d never slept with a woman before.

After an unidentifiable amount of time of increasing shame, Hayley tapped on her shoulders. “Anna.”

Anna lifted her head, feeling her cheeks blush crimson and disappointment set in.

“Could we stop?” Hayley stroked the back of Anna’s head. “It’s okay. Come back up.”

***

Present day

Anna woke up alone. The campervan was empty. The sun was shining in the window. She kicked the duvet off her. How many times must she go over that night and her failure? It was one of her most painful memories and she didn’t often allow herself to go there. But with all that unmistakable sexual energy last night, Anna had replayed it over and over in her head for most of the night.

There was no mistaking the fact that Hayley didn’t feel that way about her. Hayley just not feeling it had been loud and clear. Asking Anna to stop after nearly an hour of her fruitless touches couldn’t have been more humiliating, even if Hayley was perfectly justified in doing so. Either Anna was dreadful at sex, which she’d later proved herself with other women not to be – thank god – or Hayley just wasn’t sexually attracted to her. She’d settled on the latter, over the years.

It was as crushing then as it was crushing now to accept it, but she had to. There was no other way to see it, which was why Hayley’s lustful eyes last night were confusing. Was Hayley toying with her? Anna sighed. Hayley didn’t know how Anna felt back then so she couldn’t really be blamed for flirting again. It was in Hayley’s nature to flirt and play. Could Anna really hold that against her?

Hayley entered the campervan bearing a cup in each hand. “You’re up! Good morning.”

“Good morning,” Anna mumbled. She pushed herself upright. “Is that coffee?”

Hayley handed her a cup. “Yep. I just made some. It’s beautiful outside. Even a bit warm.”

“I can see the sun coming in. It feels hot already for this time of the day.”

“It’s nearly ten.”

“Ten! Oh my god, I’ve slept for ages.”

“You were sleeping like a baby when I got up.” Hayley sipped her coffee, sitting at the small pulldown table across the camper from her. “I was thinking we could get the paddleboards out. Have our beach day? How’s your head?”

“It’s a bit sore, actually. Is there anyone around?”

“Nope. Not yet. The sand is white and the water is like a lagoon. This could be the Caribbean.”

Anna laughed. “This is a once in a year event. If you’re lucky to be here on a day like this you’ve got to make the most of it. Beach and paddleboarding it is.”