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Hayley was still sleeping when Anna had left. Anna couldn’t tell if she was actually asleep or just pretending to be. Either way, Hayley had her back to her as she got some snacks from the kitchen. She cursed that she had to go to work today as she and Hayley had so much to unpack. Not that she knew what to say to make any of it better.

Hayley had said that she loved her and Anna had said it back. It was everything that Anna wanted, although she wished they’d said it to each other under better circumstances, yet there was this thing that she couldn’t let go of. This fear.

The walk helped, marginally. At work, it was just one thing after another and very little of it held her attention or interest, which was unlike her. She let her emails pile up and asked Greg to cover a tour so she could sit and ruminate in her office. She couldn’t stop thinking about Hayley and what was going on between them. Anna got her phone out and typed a message to Hayley then deleted it. She did this for several minutes before settling on one.

Good morning. How are you feeling? Can we talk? Thinking of you xxx

Three hours later, she still hadn’t heard anything back. The message remained unread. An uneasy feeling set in. Her chest was heavy and tight. Her stomach felt hollow. She finally got away from work and drove straight home. The campervan was not there when Anna pulled up outside the house.

There was a knot in the pit of her stomach as she opened her car door. She hurried inside. Hayley’s things were gone. The dining table was clear and her backpack was no longer in the wardrobe.

Hayley was gone.

Anna wandered around her small house in a futile search as her heart sank further with each step. Nothing was resolved. Everything was still up in the air. How could she leave like this?

The picture frame of her and Hayley by the loch had been placed in the middle of the coffee table. A bit of paper sat in front of it. Anna grabbed it and unfolded it.

Anna,

I changed my ticket to get an earlier ferry. The keys are at the back door under the blue plant pot.

Yesterday was hard. Maybe you’re right. Maybe we are not meant for each other as romantic partners. Please know I will always love you and I will always be here for you. I have made my feelings more than clear. But right now, I think we need some space. It pains me to do this but I have to go. You made yourself clear. You’ve given me a lot to think about. Maybe it’s better we’ve been so honest with each other like this so soon.

My dear Anna. I hope you find someone who makes you truly happy and you get to live the life that you really want.

I’ll be in touch at some point. But for now I think I need to regroup and focus on myself.

Please take care.

All my love,

Hayley

Anna refolded the letter and placed it on the table in the same spot, like she hadn’t read it. She sat on the sofa, resting her arms on her knees and put her head in her hands. She felt numb. Frozen. Hayley was gone again.

Gone.

Gone.

Gone.

The house was quiet except for an intermittent drip of the kitchen tap. Their conversation last night was raw and brutally honest. It reverberated around her head. It had been so frustrating to leave Hayley on the sofa last night, right in the middle of it, and now, to have Hayley just up and leave before they’d resolved anything was infuriating. The look of hurt in Hayley’s eyes and how they’d turned colder as she’d asked to sleep on the sofa had sent chills down Anna’s spine. It was that look that had made Anna back off.

Hayley’s letter felt like a goodbye.

Tears pooled in her eyes.

How had they got here?

Was Hayley okay? Was she safe? Anna had never been entirely happy about whether it was safe for Hayley to be travelling on her own, and now she would be driving south upset. Anna picked up her phone. Still no sign that she’d read the message. It killed her not knowing how or where Hayley was.

Anna paced the house going over everything they said to each other last night and in the last few months. If only Hayley had waited for one more day they could have had more time to talk things through. Not that Anna knew what else she could say.

Anna sat on the kitchen floor, as good a place as any. Maybe Hayley was right. Maybe they did need some space from each other. How could she have gone down a path with Hayley that went against everything she wanted? It was too much, even if she was in love. She just couldn’t do it.

Anna had the next day off work. She went to the gym and tore the place up, feeling like she was going to burst from all this pent-up nervous energy. She added more weight and more repetitions to every exercise and didn’t rest much between sets. The burning and straining in her muscles provided momentary relief from what was going on inside her head and heart.

A bead of sweat dripped down the inside of her arm as she completed a set of back squats. She walked the bar back onto the rack and added more weight plates before slipping underneath it again and struggling back to standing. It was torture knowing she couldn’t have a proper relationship with Hayley while simultaneously feeling like she couldn’t live without her. Pushing her body to its limits normally quietened her mind, but not today. The situation with Hayley weighed down on her, much like the barbell on her shoulders. She managed two repetitions before yielding. It was too heavy, and slightly dangerous. She avoided looking at her face in the mirror as she walked the bar back onto the rack, feeling like a failure in so many ways.