Page 110

Thirty-Two

Holden doesn’t say anything when I slide into the minivan, tucking my backpack and duffel between my legs, which only makes me more nervous to be in his presence. Not even the soothing smell of the new vanilla air freshener can calm me down. I’m about to just blurt out my feelings like the huge, selfish asshole he says I am when two voices from the back startle me.

“Hi, Saine.”

“Hey.”

In the second-row captain seats, Mara and Ant sit with smiles on their faces, so big that I’m forced to return one, even though it’s more confused than happy.

“Hey.” My heart hammers so violently in my chest I’m surprised they can’t hear it. If they could, they would for sure make fun of me. Kids are ruthless. I used to respect the No Filter thing, but now I’m hoping their hardware was upgraded to include one because I cannot take it today.

“I’m so excited,” Ant says when Holden starts driving. “Trevor’s gonna flip out.”

“Holden wouldn’t let me try the glasses,” Mara says dejectedly, a pout on her lips. “But ifyousay I can, then maybe—”

“No,” I say lightly. “Trevor first.” I glance at Holden. “And if Holden said no, you should respect that. He put a lot of work into the headset, and it’s his gift for Trevor.”

Mara sinks back into her chair but doesn’t fight it. Holden’s tense beside me, his knuckles white on the steering wheel. If the muscle twitches on his face are any indication, he’s having some kind of internal battle with himself. Probably debating whether or not he should just ditch me on the side of the road. I fucking hate myself for even thinking it—I shouldn’t think it—but he still looks so good, even with his dark circles and gnawed lips. What a shame he hates me because I really, really love him.

“So, what’s going on with the two of you?” Ant says, leaning forward with a barely concealed smile. I stop looking at Holden immediately. “Are you fighting?”

“No,” Holden says,angrily.

I smile tightly at Ant. “You heard him.”

“Sure.” Her brown eyes pan from me to the back of Holden’s head. “I totally believe you.”

Holden mashes a button on the dash and NPR starts playing, a dull drone in the background.

“Saine was selfish,” Mara whispers to Ant after a few seconds.

I stare straight ahead, watching the van devour the road to the hospital. We pass through Camp Hill, the cracked sidewalks outside businesses suddenly very interesting to look at when thealternative is the grumpy face of the guy I betrayed.

“We need to talk after,” Holden says quietly, eyes unblinking and forward.

My stomach drops even though I knew this was coming. I couldn’t really expect him to just suddenly be okay with me. “Yeah, we do.”

When we get to the hospital parking lot, Holden lets us out at the front entrance so he can find a spot. I walk the girls inside and sign us in at the desk like Holden had done with me.

“Hi, Mara,” the volunteer—Libby, from before, because of course—greets them. “Hi, Ant.”

She looks to me and I see her eyes glaze over. I’m not even worth noting to her, even though I came in with her favorite visitor once.

“Saine,” Holden says, coming up behind me and reaching around to sign the list. “Hi, Libby.”

“Hi, Holden.” Her heart eyes track him the whole time we walk to Trevor’s room.

Inside, Trevor is curled up on his bed, the room dark and warm. His mom sits next to him in one of the worn chairs, her yellow scrubs wrinkled. Like her, we don masks and gloves and gather around his bed.

“Hey, guys,” she greets us brightly, but exhaustion taints her tone.

Holden’s eyes crinkle toward his brother—a smile. “Hey, Trev.”

Trevor sits up. “Hey.” He glances at each of us for a second. “What’s going on?”

“I, um, I had something I wanted to give to you.” His handsshake around the glasses, already attached to his old phone where I had instructed him to transfer the VR footage.

Mara offers Trevor headphones with silver Sharpie flowers crawling up them.