Page 22 of You Can Make Me (Carnival of Mysteries #28)

Eleven

D enny

I went for a walk down by the water to get centered.

The river had risen over the past week or so as the temps warmed and the snowpack began to melt.

The sound of the rushing water soothed me and let my brain quiet down some.

Without work to keep my mind busy, I’d taken to worrying and puzzling over things I couldn’t control.

It was giving me a damned headache. Probably raised my blood pressure, too.

Cooper’d had a shock this morning, but he came out of it, thank God.

If I could trust that he really was ready to get back to work on his recovery, that meant he’d hit his rock bottom and the only way from here was up.

I could work out a plan with him, and we’d both feel better with something external to focus on.

I wanted that to be true.

But I had work to do, as well.

I was holding on to so much trauma from everything that had happened to Cooper, and all of my fears about his recovery, that it was physically affecting me. I needed to exercise, I probably needed to meditate. And yeah, I probably needed a therapist.

I definitely needed to quit smoking. Again.

I returned to the house a half hour later, grabbed the pack of cigarettes, ran them under water, then chucked them in the trash. It was the one tangible thing I could do at that very moment. Then I grabbed the Magic 8 Ball and sighed, tossing it back and forth between my hands.

“Can I trust that he’s telling me the truth? That he really wants to get better and will cooperate with me?”

I shook the damned ball and waited for the triangle to settle.

It is decidedly so.

My lips curled up in a grin. I didn’t want to push my luck, so I stopped there. Asking whether he meant it when he told me he loved me would only be asking for trouble.

“Thank you, oh wise one.”

I set it back down and exhaled. Only time would tell if he was really okay.

This explosive incident in the RV could have been a gut reaction, or he could still be at risk for self-harm.

I’d have to keep a close eye on him without hovering or smothering.

I didn’t want to go back to one-word answers and meltdowns.

I wanted us to truly be back on track, but more importantly, I needed Cooper to recover.

This had all been such a test of my patience. I hoped I didn’t fail.

Sam wandered back in and got to work trying out the hot spots she’d brought. She tried them both and was able to get a better signal, so she decided to leave both in case one quit working.

“Cooper loathes tech fails, so I’ll leave this one as a backup.”

“Thank you. And thanks for coming, and understanding, and…”

“Well, I’m not sure I understand it all. You’ve sacrificed a lot for Cooper, and I know you’re a good man.”

“But?”

“I love you both,” she said. “And because of that, I’m trying not to doom scroll through all the possible scenarios. I want to root for you two to make it.”

“But?”

She smiled sadly and shrugged. “You’ve always been the job. Now you’re retired and Cooper’s become your job. This could be a good opportunity for you to, I don’t know, connect with someone in a way you haven’t before.”

“Sam, I was married. Twice. Remember?”

“And why do you think you aren’t now?”

I blanched at her words. How was this turning into a me problem? “Uh, because Renee cheated on me? And ran off with her high school sweetheart?”

“Which is totally her loss.”

“But?”

“Denny, remember that I said I love you?”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, and because I love you, I can admit that Renee cared about you in her own way, but Den, you have to admit you’re not the most emotionally available person.” Her eyes went wide, as if she was actually afraid of my reaction to her observation.

“I don’t disagree with you.”

Sam blinked, then sighed. “How are you going to be different with Cooper? He’ll always put it all out there. Are you willing to do the same?”

“I already have,” I said. “From the first night, I told him I was scared shitless. The first time we, uh… I admitted I had no idea what I was doing, but I wanted him anyway. When he asked me to break him out of the rehab facility, I told him I was afraid I’d fail him.

And just this morning, I told him… I love him.

” I let out a shaky breath as her eyes got even wider.

“If that ain’t putting it out there, Sam, I don’t know?—”

She threw her arms around me, and I yelped in surprise.

“What’s all this?” I asked, laughing nervously. I patted her awkwardly on the back. “It’s been an extremely long time since a woman has thrown herself at me.”

“Shut up and let me hug you,” she said into my shoulder. “You’re making me cry, asshole.”

“I’m sorry?”

She poked me in the side as she pulled away, wiping at her eyes.

“Ow. I didn’t know hugs were supposed to hurt.”

“You love him? For real?”

“How could I not, Sam? He’s…” How did I even describe him, and how I felt about this whole thing? I didn’t talk about feelings. It had been hard enough to do it with Cooper, but I did want Sam’s thoughts, so I’d show my tender underbelly.

“I don’t want you to be like his last several boyfriends.”

I tried to be open-minded about all this.

I had no room to judge, as I had two ex-wives, but I hated the idea that Cooper had been done wrong before, even more than I hated being compared to men he’d been with.

At 52 years old, I was way past judging people for their mistakes. Could Cooper look at me the same way?

“What do you mean? He’s only told me about the fiancé who bought him the Mini Cooper.

” I hadn’t asked for more, and he hadn’t offered, just like he hadn’t asked about my wives and what happened.

I could tell you his favorite color (racing green), his favorite TV show ( Newsroom ), and his favorite singer (Madonna when he was sassy, Billy Joel when he was in his feelings), but I didn’t know his first crush, his most embarrassing moment, his biggest fear—actually, I could imagine that had already come to pass, or perhaps he was most afraid of what was to come.

Sam looked toward the closed bedroom door and leaned in, her voice low. “They were all ‘straight’ before they met him,” she said, using finger quotes.

I sat back on the couch and exhaled.”That makes a lot of sense.”

“It does?”

“Yeah. The reason we split. I kind of fell off the radar right after we’d had a pretty serious conversation. It wasn’t because of him.” Though it was. “It was when my buddy died.”

“Oh, I remember that. You kind of disappeared on everyone. I remember Gene was pissed.”

“Aw, that’s sweet.”

She poked me again.

“Damn, those nails should be registered as lethal weapons.”

“Cut it out, Denny. What happened?”

“He showed up at my place and told me off, said I should have told him that he was a dalliance and he wouldn’t have wasted his time.”

“Was he?”

“God, no. I… Christ, Sam. I had to get a bunch of medical shit done. I had to have a procedure. VA doc said I was headed for a heart attack.”

Her hands flew up to cover her mouth—and then she slugged me.

“Man, you hit hard for a girl!”

I knew that would break the tension. She tackled me, and it was then I remembered she had older brothers and knew how to fight dirty. I tried to cover the important bits and begged for mercy.

“And you didn’t tell us? What the fuck , Denny?” She finally sat back on the couch and scowled at me.

“He tell you about the angioplasty?”

We both looked toward the hallway, where Cooper stood leaning on his cane, shaking his head at us.

“ Angioplasty ? Oh, you wait until I tell Gene?—”

“Is that necessary?” I knew she would tell him. Why I even asked was ridiculous.

“It is. We should all know, in case you stroke out on us. I’ll have to renew my CPR certification! I can’t believe I let it lapse. Are you taking baby aspirin daily? Carrying nitro pills?”

“Jesus, Sam. First you beat me up and then you bully me? I didn’t need any of those things until you started in on me.

” I was laughing before I finished speaking.

I tucked Sam under my arm and pinned her there—gently, of course; she might be tough, but she was still my best friend’s wife—until she stopped trying to beat me up.

“Trust me, Sam. I let him have it, too.” But Cooper’s gaze was soft. He moved toward us and sat on the other side of me.

“Do you need anything?” I asked, starting to stand, but Cooper put a hand on my arm.

“I’m good.”

The slightest bit of the Cooper I’d worried we’d lost forever was peeking out, and my breath caught.

“But we need a plan.”

“Plan?”

Deb and Frank came in, and over the next three hours, they fed us while Cooper and Sam plotted out not only a plan for him to start his physical recovery again, but also a story.

Recovery from a traumatic incident.

The two of them together made me dizzy, the speed at which they plotted the story, the research, who they could pitch it to, a list of people to reach out to and resources, was mind-boggling. They actually operated similarly to detectives.

“Cooper, sweetheart? Dad and I are going to get some shut-eye.”

Cooper’s eyes had gone a little glazed over, and he struggled to stand to hug them. I stood as well. It killed me not to jump in to steady him, but part of his plan was to do more on his own. I promised to wait until he asked for help.

“I love you. Thanks for everything. See you in the morning?”

His folks looked at each other. “We wanted to talk about that. If you want us to stay, we absolutely will, but it seems like you’ve got a plan, and we don’t want to be in the way?—”

“Mom, no. You’re not in the way.”

She squeezed his arm. “If I didn’t think you were in the best hands…” She winked at me, and even after everything, my cheeks flushed at her praise. I was so glad to have her in my corner.

“I really am.” Cooper turned and grinned at me, giving my heart a little kick.

“Like I said,” she laughed. “Also, Cooper, your father has a meeting day after tomorrow with his team. He planned to do it via Zoom?—”

“Oh, you should go! I’m okay. And I promise, no more disappearing. I’ll have my phone on, okay?”

“Thank you, son.” Deb teared up, and Cooper hugged her again. They held on for a long time, murmuring to each other.

Frank walked to my side and held out his hand.

“Dennis, a pleasure. You need anything, don’t hesitate to reach out.”

“Thank you. Appreciate you coming.”

There was more he wanted to say, I could tell, but what I’d learned about Frank so far was that his tenderness was reserved for his wife and son.

To the rest of the world, he was a powerful presence in the news industry, and he wielded that power with ruthless efficiency and integrity.

He respected me, but more than that, he respected his son, and that was the main reason he deferred to me.

The goodbyes lasted a few more minutes. Sam would be leaving with them in the morning as well, and I found myself spiraling.

How would things go between us this time? I’d opened up to him more than anyone in my life, but there’d been the others here to run interference.

Before, I hadn’t been concerned about his feelings for me, only concerned with whether he was getting better, whether I was doing right by him.

Being alone with him now meant being much more vulnerable in his presence.

I’d taken myself and my feelings out of the equation previously.

Now? I was more nervous than the first time we’d been alone together.

While Cooper and Sam put their heads back together, finalizing their plans, I wandered out back.

The days had grown warm, not quite the oppressive summer heat, but the promise was in the air.

The evening was still chilly, though, only the stone surfaces remained warm after bearing the brunt of the sun’s force all day.

I slipped off my shoes and let the residual warmth soak into my bare feet and just breathed.

I heard the door slide open a few moments later,

“Den? Hey.” Before I could turn around, he’d slipped his arms around my waist and rested his chin on my shoulder.

“Hey.” I closed my eyes and reveled in the feel of his body pressed against mine. I’d thought this would never happen again. I put my hands over his and sighed.

“Sam asked if we could have a girls’ night tonight, since she’s leaving in the morning. Facials, mani-pedis…she brought all the fixins.”

“Good, that’s good. I’ll give you space.”

He squeezed me tighter and spoke against my ear. “Thank you, because tomorrow we’ll be unsupervised…and I want to look and feel my best.”

Unsupervised . That word had my dick at attention.

“Cooper—”

“Don’t say anything now. I want you to take the bed tonight. She and I are going to crash in the living room on the mattresses from my folks’ RV.”

“But you need your rest.”

“And I’ll get it. You haven’t had a full night’s sleep in a bed in months.”

“I slept in a bed last night,” I said, turning to kiss his temple.

“Well, I want you well rested. I’m going to need your help to jumpstart my rehab?—”

“You’ll have it, baby. Whatever you need.”

“Good. Because I need you .”

I turned in his arms to look at him, warmth filling my chest. He wasn’t saying he needed me to be his caretaker. He was saying he needed me .

“You have me. You’ve always had me, and you always will.”

He slid a hand around my neck and pulled me into a kiss that immediately made my knees weak. He moaned, tugged on my hair—which was longer than usual, as I hadn’t had my regular five-week fade since December—and bit down on my lower lip. He not only had me, he owned me with that kiss.

It was what I wanted most, but it was also the thing that scared me the most, only second to the fear of losing him.

“I want you to have me . Tomorrow. As soon as we’re alone.”

“Only if you’re ready.”

He exhaled with pursed lips. “I want to be. I just need to forget what I know you’ll be looking at.”

“I’ve seen it all, and it only makes me love you more, Cooper.”

“Damn. I can’t believe…I hate that I walked away from you. I wasted so much time. And if I hadn’t gotten hurt, I’d never know what it feels like to be loved by you.”

I put my hands on his hips. “I wouldn’t have stayed away forever. I never planned for this to go on so long. I would have come for you.”

Several emotions played across his face before he stepped back.

“Get some rest. Maybe go for a soak. Do some stretches. I’ve waited long enough.”

I grinned at him, my heart so full I could barely breathe.

“I’ll be ready.”