Page 15 of Xander (Soulless Outlaws Motorcycle Club #2)

Nola

It’s been a week since I made the move to Jackson, Mississippi.

A state I’ve never been in before now.

And every night before bed, I found myself scrolling through my contacts, never seeing a particular name.

Not until I got to the X.

One name was registered there.

Xander.

I can’t tell you how many times my finger hovered over the button to call him.

How many times my finger hovered over the button to simply text him.

I missed his voice.

I missed our banter.

I just missed him.

I missed the sheets.

These were wrong.

I missed the colors.

These were wrong.

I missed the lag in hot water.

I missed the way I could simply inhale a deep breath and be surrounded by his scent.

I hated this.

But... I deserved better.

I knew it.

I felt it.

Therefore, I shook my head, rolled over, and tried to find sleep.

Tried being the keyword.

***

It was Monday.

I had spent the weekend taking in my new home, my new location, and I was miserable.

They say that home is where the heart is... well, it certainly wasn’t here.

I shook my head, trying to clear it of those thoughts.

Thinking about things like that didn’t make room to move on.

“Yes, I’m looking for Nola Townsend.” At the sound of my name and a voice I didn’t recognize, I looked up.

And that was when I saw a woman whose name I had yet to learn nod, then point directly at me.

Well, shit.

Seemed I was a horrible person.

I watched as a boy made his way over to where I was sitting at my computer.

He was around my height, with sandy brown hair and hazel eyes.

He couldn’t be any older than sixteen or eighteen.

And that was when I noticed what was on his back.

A kutte.

I eyed the kutte, and then he smirked, turned his back when he reached me, and showed me.

Zagan MC, Louisiana.

Well... shit.

He turned his head and winked, “Name’s Jalen. I’m prospecting for the club. You’re Nola Townsend, right?”

I looked at the boy who asked and nodded, he smiled then and set a vase filled with delicate pink star gazer lilies.

“Sign here, please,” he asked as he handed me a little electronic pad.

“Who are they from?” I asked as I signed my name.

“I was told you would ask me that, and I was told to say one word to you. Yours.” He said.

Yours.

He had said, Yours.

Standing up from my chair, I checked the vase and saw the card. Tagging it, I opened the flap and pulled out a white card with three words.

I’m sorry. – Yours.

Lightly, I traced the three words on the card with my finger and tried to hold back tears.

Just then, another boy walked up behind the one who was standing in front of me. Another boy in a leather kutte. He had to be over eighteen but no more than twenty.

He lifted his chin at... boy one, then he looked at me, “Nola Townsend?”

I felt my eyes narrow, but I nodded my head, then softly, I said, “That’s me.”

“Sign here.” I nodded and signed my name as he too set another vase of flowers on my desk.

Star gazer lilies.

And it went like that with eight more deliveries of delicate pink star gazer lilies.

I laid the cards on my table in the order the flowers were brought to me.

They read like this.

I’m sorry. – Yours.

I was wrong. – Yours.

I’m sorry. – X.

I’m sorry if I ever made you feel as though you weren’t the most important thing in my life. – Xander.

I’m sorry that I fucked up. – Xander.

Never groveled before. – Xander.

You’re my star in the night sky. – Xander.

You’re the only person on this planet that holds my entire heart in the palm of your hand. – Yours.

I want you on the back of my bike. – Xander.

I was a coward, and I was scared. – Xander.

“Delivery for Ms. Townsend,” I heard again, and again, and again.

This time, actual brothers from Zagan MC brought the deliveries.

And on and on it went like that until my office and my desk had been covered with flowers, chocolates, my favorite candy, and my favorite meal.

Anything and everything that I loved was laid out in front of me.

Seeing everything, knowing that he had done this.

My big man had gone out and purchased all of this, did all of this... it was hard as hell to keep the tears inside.

But when I gazed at something I missed, tears trailed down my cheeks.

The thing I had missed was a document in a frame.

A document that was from the official star registry.

And one of the stars in the night sky was now named Star Gazer.

And that was when I heard a gasp followed by, “Oh my.”

Followed by, “Honey hush.”

Looking up with tears in my eyes, my eyes locked on the reason for the gasp from every woman in the office.

And there he stood.

At the bank of elevators, his eyes scanned, and then they locked on me.

I saw his shoulders straighten, and then, he prowled toward me.

He looked good.

So good.

He had that black ball cap on backward, my kryptonite.

He had on dark, washed jeans and his black motorcycle boots.

Underneath his kutte, he had on a dark red wine-colored long-sleeved button-up.

The sleeves were rolled up his forearms, showing off all that delectable ink.

And then my eyes locked on his.

And what I saw there... written clear as day in those caramel-colored eyes of his?

I felt my hand come up and press it into my heart, then I gasped.

Because written there, clear as day was one emotion.

An emotion I didn’t know if I would ever see in those eyes of his.

Love.

Pure, unfiltered, unapologetic... love.

Oh, my stars.

He stopped in front of me, taking a moment to take me in just as I had him.

I watched as his eyes trailed over every part of me.

From the roots of my hair to the ends.

From the corners of my eyes to the other corner.

From the bridge of my nose down to my lips.

From my chin to my throat.

From my throat to my waist.

From my waist to the tips of my toes.

And then he brought his gaze back up, and then he swallowed, and then... he spoke.

“I’m not asking you to come home with me.

I’m not asking you to forgive me. What I am asking is for another chance to do things differently this time.

To show you how much you mean to me. To show you that there's no one else in the world I would ever want at my side other than you. If you want, I’ll leave the MC to be here with you.

If you want, I’ll stay back home and only see you on the holidays.

I’ll give you anything and everything you could ever want; all you have to do is tell me. ”

As much as I loved him, as much as I relished the time we had together.

I knew it wasn’t enough.

I needed more.

Therefore, I said, “That all sounds great, Xander, it really does. But that’s not enough.”

I watched as his jaw ticked once, twice, then he swallowed, and then he nodded.

“Then tell me. Tell me what you want me to say. I’ll do fucking anything for you.

You truly are the love of my life, and without you, my home isn’t my home anymore.

It's wherever you are. Whether it’s back home, here, or anywhere else.

You're it for me, Nola. You’re the grey matter where my star lives. You.”

I swallowed.

And then I stared at him.

I wanted to say yes.

I wanted to jump up into his arms.

I wanted to wrap him tightly.

Never letting go.

But... would things change?

That... I didn’t know.

I went with my gut the first time.

Trusting it.

And look at what happened.

With that single thought on my mind, I shook my head, and then I watched as the love in his eyes still remained, but a new emotion angled upside by side with it, defeat.

Oh. No. My sweet Xander.

That hurt.

That cut.

That killed.

But I stood firm.

“I need time to think. Will you give me that?” I asked.

And then... that defeat... I stood there as I watched it transform into hope.

Hope.

This tattered, scarred-up man held hope in his gaze.

He swallowed, then he nodded, “Told you. Do anything for you. You just let me know your decision. Okay?”

I nodded.

Then he nodded, and I watched as he breathed in deeply.

Then he asked, “Can I ask for one thing?”

I inhaled my own breath and then found myself nodding.

“Can I have a hug?” he asked.

He asked me for a hug.

I didn’t hesitate.

I moved.

His arms were around me in the next breath, pulling me tight against his chest.

His face was buried in the top of my head.

His scent enveloped me.

And when his chest expanded with a breath I didn’t know he had been holding, he squeezed once, twice, and then he let me go, and stepped back a foot.

That was when I watched as he turned and walked away from me.

His hands balled into fists.

But he didn’t stop.

He didn’t look back.

He kept on walking away.

And when the elevator doors closed behind him, I had angled my body to see him, he stood there with his back to me, his head hung low, and then the doors closed behind him.

Not even a full minute later, my phone pinged with a text.

Xander – Let me know when you're ready to give me an answer.

Xander – Took everything I had not to type out baby.

Me – You took that away from me.

Me – Only you can give it back.

Xander – Never should have done that.

Xander – Baby, I fucking miss you.

Me – What if my answer is no?

He didn’t text back for a few moments.

Xander – Then... I’ll forever remain single, carrying your name right over my heart, so they all know who it belongs to.

“Where can I get my very own biker?” At the sound of those words, I clicked out of my text thread with Xander.

“Does he have a brother?” Marcie, one of the ladies whose name I did know, asked.

And before I could answer her that I didn’t, I heard, “Nola?”

I knew that voice.

I winced.

It was my boss.

“Yes, Mrs. Baker?” I asked her.

Her red painted lips smiled, her blonde, angled bob framed her face just right.

“My father was a biker, and he left it all for my mama. And he never regretted a single thing. However, I knew he hated it. But he still did it. So, in order to keep history from repeating itself, do you have a good internet connection?”

I took in her words... and I debated on what to do.

***

And what I decided to do... I was scared.

So, fucking scared.