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Page 62 of Wrath of the Dragons (Fear the Flames #2)

Chapter Forty-six

Cayden

The whiskey burns my throat as I tip the bottle back and rest my head against the couch while I listen to the ebb and flow of Elowen’s footsteps.

Our cabin is located at the back of the ship and split by a set of dark blue drapes that are usually pulled back but remain closed tonight.

A paneled window stretches the length of the far wall, a feature I made sure to add with Elowen’s fear of confinement in mind.

“You’re out of practice, little shadow,” I say, putting an end to the steady pattering. She mutters a curse under her breath and steps through the drapes, clad in nothing but a night slip. My hand tightens around the bottle, and I slowly release it one finger at a time to keep it from shattering.

She sits between my parted legs, and I grit my teeth to refrain from groaning when the scent of her perfume surrounds me. The scrap of fabric grazes the tops of her thighs and leaves next to nothing to the imagination. “How much have you had to drink?”

“Not nearly enough.”

“I can put on a robe.”

“I can burn a robe.”

She laughs, and fuck if it’s not one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard. In her hand rests a small bowl containing some kind of oil with herbs floating at the top. “I figured I could try again at alleviating the pain in your shoulder now that you’re awake.”

I dryly swallow and wet my throat with another drink. “You don’t have to do that.”

“I know.” She dips her fingers in and rubs her palms together before latching her hands on to my left shoulder and digging into years’ worth of aches.

I drop my head on her shoulder as I grip her hips.

Her pulse jumps, and goosebumps rise on her arms. Her touch hurts at first, but soon feels so damn good.

She continues her tortuously pleasurable pattern, and I’m putty in her magical hands.

“What are you doing to me, angel?” My lips skim her skin as I speak, and she shivers again.

It’s a loaded question because what I feel for her threatens my very existence.

There is nothing left for me in this world if she leaves it.

I never realized how little I had until the magnitude of her presence became apparent.

She is everything. She is both the knife that pierces my heart and the healer who mends the mortal wound.

“Taking care of you, since you refuse to.”

“You’re not inspiring me to start.”

I draw my head back, but my eyes snag on her new markings, the delicate silver, gold, lavender, and pale blue swirls.

Markings that will forever solidify what she did for me, and how I put her in harm’s way.

The darkness that’s always lurked within me has been more forceful since the ritual.

I want to keep it away from her, but it calls out to her, sings for her, dances to the tune of her voice.

Guilt.

It brands me and burns within my blood.

I tighten my hands on her, wanting to be here, not in my head, but it’s holding me hostage. She digs her thumbs in again, and in this moment, if she told me she was an enchantress I’d believe her. “If you learned this from Nyrinn, I want a list of who you used this oil on.”

“Why?”

“I just want to talk.” I’m going to kill every bastard who had her hands on them like this.

Truthfully, I’d kill whoever had her hands on them in general.

She finishes the massage but neither of us moves as she continues trailing her fingers across my shoulder and down my back.

She’s inches away, but instead of feeling the usual peace that accompanies her nearness, I feel like I can’t get enough air into my lungs.

A knot forms between her brows and my heart painfully pumps against my ribs. You ruin everything you touch, boy. I release her hips.

“Cayden?”

All hells, everything I feel for her wraps around my throat and cuts off my air. I’m drowning in her, but I’ve stopped trying to kick to the surface. I know this is going to kill me and I’ve accepted my fate. To be surrounded by her is exactly how I want to die.

“I’ll be back in a second, love.” I lean forward to kiss her forehead and throw on the black linen shirt draped over the arm of the couch. “I just need some air.”

I slip into the narrow hall and stride down a staircase, locating the small private deck at the stern of the ship that rests beneath our cabin.

The door shuts behind me as I rush toward the railing.

I dip a hand into my pocket to pull out a smoke while rubbing at the never-ending ache in my chest. Quickly lighting the smoke, I inhale deeply and rest my elbows on the railing, dropping my head to stare at the water.

However, even the symphony of the sea can’t calm me.

I’m losing my gods-damned mind.

The door bangs open, and if Elowen’s temper could start a fire, the ship would be incinerated. I don’t even have to turn to know it’s her, and I’d place a bet that she’s swaying her hips while she stomps, like she always does when she’s pissed.

“Stop running from me,” she states. “I can’t keep living like this. We have to have it out like we always do, not tiptoe around the issue like we’re children. I know what you’re thinking and it’s not fair.”

“Oh yeah?” I whip my head in her direction, stubbing out the smoke given her proximity. “What am I thinking?”

“I knew the risks when I agreed to the ritual.” She stubbornly sets her chin. “I know that if I died I wouldn’t be able to fulfill our deal, but—”

“Go inside.”

“No.”

“Keep pondering those thoughts of yours if you think I’m lamenting over a deal.”

“You tried to manipulate Finnian into dragging me away from you. Do you think I could’ve moved on from watching you die, knowing there was something I could’ve done?” She pushes at my chest before fisting my shirt.

My nostrils flare when I note her rings glinting in the moonlight, but I keep my hands at my sides. “You would’ve lived a very long and celibate life.”

She releases me and throws her hands up. “You were ready to accept death!”

“Is that what you think?”

“You said goodbye.” Her voice cracks but her eyes are still filled with rage.

“What did you want me to say, Elowen?” I ask incredulously, tipping my head back to the stars before looking at her again. “Would you have preferred I told you exactly what I was thinking in what I thought were my final moments?”

Her throat bobs as I take a step closer, forcing her to tilt her chin up as I tower over her.

“Did you want me to tell you how bitter with regret I was knowing I searched for you longer than I’ve known you?

That there is some sick irony in surviving all the years I wanted to die and dying when I finally had something to live for other than revenge?

Because I wouldn’t let myself look away from my reason, Elowen.

You are it. Everything doesn’t encompass what you are to me; you are infinite.

You were all I let myself see as I was dying because I wanted to keep the memory of your face with me.

Did you want me to tell you how I prayed to the God of Death to leave my soul with you if he truly gave me his blessing? ”

“Then why are you pushing me away?” she helplessly yells. “You claimed that I’ve been avoiding you, but it’s obvious you needed space. I got us the time you say you wished for and you’re acting as if you wish I’d let you die.”

“You should have.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Your screams echo in my skull every second of every day. If there is ever a choice between you or me, I always want you to choose yourself, even if it kills me.”

“I know that Ryder was angry with you for doing exactly what I did, and that makes you a hypocrite.”

“The situations are entirely different,” I snarl.

“Then not only are you a hypocrite, but you’re a fool as well! Your life is worth no less than mine, even if you believe it to be.”

“That’s what you don’t understand! It is!” I fire back, my voice raspy and enraged. “Not because you’re the dragon queen, or the heir to Imirath, or whatever other fucking title you acquire. My life is worth less than yours because you are my life. I’m a dead man walking without you.”

Her face crumbles and a few tears spill from her eyes that she angrily swipes away. I would’ve married her if she had nothing to her name, the dragons didn’t exist, and all she had were the clothes on her back.

I can’t do this.

I can’t look at her.

She’ll be better off if I keep my damn mouth shut, a skill I’ve never mastered around her. I never expected her to love someone like me. It’s not her fault I can’t be worthy of her; that’s been years in the making.

“Stop pushing me away. Stop walking away. Just stop!” She latches her hand around my wrist, but I don’t turn around and keep walking even as she tugs. My sanity is holding on by a fucking thread, and my patience is so far gone I’m convinced it never existed. “Why can’t you look at me?”

All hells.

“Because I love you!” I roar while forcing myself to look at her, the statement dripping in the anger accompanied by an unwanted confession.

“I feel as if I’ve said the words in a thousand ways but if you need to hear them plainly, there they are.

I love you. I am in love with you. Don’t ask me when I began because I don’t have an answer.

All I know is that somewhere between meeting and marrying you, I realized I can’t live without you. ”

The words race off my tongue, ripping open the bars on the cage I’ve locked them in for months. Elowen reels from them, stumbling back.

For a moment there’s no sound other than the waves below, singing a symphony with my pounding heart.

“I love you,” I say again, softer since she’s never responded well to yelling, “and I’m not mad at you. I can never stay mad at you, but you nearly died for me, and I don’t know how to live with that.”