Page 19 of Worth Every Moment (Hawkston Billionaires #4)

ERICA

I ’ve done a lot of things in my life. Ridiculous photo shoots.

Pranced about on stage in my underwear. Swarmed half-naked in an artfully constructed pile of other models for a photo shoot.

I’m not a stranger to putting myself outside my comfort zone.

But letting Seb Hawkston put his tongue inside me has to be one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done.

Unfortunately, it’s also the only thing I’ve been able to think about since it happened.

How do we go back to being friends after the way I treated him?

If letting him go down on me didn’t ruin our friendship, the way we fought afterwards finished the job.

I’ve never behaved like that before. I don’t lose my mind and yell at people.

But recently Seb’s been pushing my buttons like never before.

Maybe I am losing my mind. Maybe I’ve already lost it.

But worse than that, maybe I’ve lost him . I can’t think about that because it might break my heart.

I force myself to concentrate on what I’m doing . My kickboxing sessions with Amy are one of the highlights of my month. If she’s not on tour and I'm not on a shoot, we meet in an exclusive gym, training with one of London's best instructors or sparring on our own.

Today, we’re alone, and the whole time we’ve been here, I’ve been wanting to talk to her about Seb, but am unsure what to say. He watched her have sex, after all. Can I even have this conversation with her?

I bounce on my toes, sweat dripping from my forehead. Amy kicks at me and I block her with the pad, but I stumble anyway. The woman is pure muscle; she always wins, but today I’m an even worse opponent than normal.

Amy drops her fists. “What is wrong with you?”

I sigh, slinging the pads to the floor and spitting my gum shield out into my hand. “It’s Seb.”

“What about him?”

In a bid for time, I take my gum shield box from my pocket and put the shield in there. I snap it closed and slip it back in my pocket. “He told me he watched you have sex,” I say finally, keeping my gaze trained on the floor.

“Oh.”

I glance up when she says nothing else, mild panic racing through me. “I’m sorry,” I blurt. “I would have asked you myself, but I felt awkward about it.”

Amy’s eyebrow piercing glints as it rises on an arched brow. “Why?”

I’m wishing I hadn’t started this conversation now, but I did, so I might as well keep going. “Do you have… feelings for Seb?”

A slow smile spreads over Amy’s face. “Are you jealous?”

“No!” That came out way too fast.

“You needn’t be. I was so high, I didn’t know he was there until the following morning.

It’s not like we did anything together .

I have no claim on Seb if that’s what you’re worried about.

He’s a friend. Honestly, I’m not interested.

Never have been. He’s gorgeous, sure, but he’s way too clean cut for me.

Very straight- down-the-line. I prefer a bit of grit.

A few tattoos. Someone who’s lived a little rough.

If you want to date him, you have my blessing.

” She bites down on the Velcro strap of her boxing glove and removes it, then tugs the other off before dropping both to the floor and kicking them towards the wall.

“Plus, everyone knows he’s been hopelessly in love with you for years. ”

My heart twists. “What? Who knows that?”

“Everyone.” She drags out the word. “He flies all over the world to see your shows. He doesn’t come to see mine.”

“You have more. Yours are longer.” I sound like I’m desperately trying to prove that what she’s saying isn’t true, and I’m not even sure why. “He’d have to quit his job to come and see you.”

She kicks my discarded pads and they fly across the gym, bang against the wall, and fall next to her gloves. “He brings you flowers every single time. He adores you.”

I rub a hand over my forehead, feeling even worse for the things I said to him at the gallery. “No. That can’t be true. He’s never… he’s always… he…” Damn it, why can’t I stop stammering? “He’s always hooking up with other women. If that were true, why would he do that?”

Amy picks up her water bottle, takes a swig, and gestures emphatically with it as though the answer is painfully obvious. “Because you’re Erica Lefroy. Ice Queen. Completely unattainable. He knows you’d shoot him down. I bet you’ve never once even flirted with him, have you?”

I might not have flirted with Seb before the gallery, but then I went and invited his tongue inside me.

Whether or not I flirted with him before that feels like a redundant issue—we leapfrogged straight to oral sex in a public place .

“No. I suppose not,” I say, trying to ignore the uneasy swell of anxiety that accompanies the recollection.

I should never have let it happen. Ever .

A mistake. That’s what it was. A mistake that left me craving more…

“So, what’s the issue?” Amy says, her voice crashing through my thoughts.

“I let him go down on me at the gallery night.” I spit the words so fast they’re almost incomprehensible, and it takes a moment before understanding blossoms across Amy’s face.

“Why, you dirty little slut,” she says with glee. “Did you like it? Did you like having him”—Her gaze dips to my tiny boxing shorts—“down there?”

Heat bursts low in my belly. “I don’t know. No. Maybe. Yes.” I let out another groan as the memories flash back at me. “Afterwards—”

“Did you come?”

I huff. “Right to the crux of the matter, eh?”

“Yup,” she says with glee. “Did you?”

My body feels like it contains an ocean of swirling emotion.

“No. I stopped it before that.” I rub my fingers over my forehead and let out a whimper that’s doused in regret.

“I completely freaked out. I ran away, and he ran after me, and then we had this horrendous fight.” I press my hands to my cheeks, which are flaming at the memory.

“I completely lost it. Went crazy. Told him he shits silver spoons.” I drag my hands down my face.

“I was so mean to him. Said everyone thinks he’s a joke. ”

Amy crosses her arms over her chest. “What idiots think that? I certainly don’t.”

My throat constricts. “My mother?” I offer, realising it sounds pathetic. Amy rolls her eyes and I press my fingers to my lips, pausing before I add, “I called him a manwhore.”

“Shit,” Amy breathes. “That’s harsh.” She appears to mentally withdraw from me before she opens her arms wide, beckoning me with her fingers like she wants to fight. “You wanna do me too? I mean, come on. I can take it. Call me a whore.”

I cover my eyes with my hands and whine before letting them drop.

“God, no. I’m sorry. It’s none of my business what he does, or what you do, but it felt like it at the time.

” I shudder at the memory. “I don’t want to fight with anyone like that again.

It was so intense. He said I only care about my brand and my business.

My career.” I grimace. “I think we might be over. Broken. I threw up afterwards.”

Amy relaxes her stance. “You were actually sick?”

The memory of clinging to the toilet bowl and vomiting up my insides makes me want to retch again. “Yeah. It was either that or bawl like a baby.”

“Oh, hun.” She steps towards me, puts her hands on my shoulders, and pulls me into a hug. “You fought like you love each other.”

Her words stun me and it’s a second or two before I can speak. “No.” I push out of her hold, shaking my head. “No, that’s not what it was. He said hooking up with me was as meaningless as everyone else.”

“Pfft.” She flaps a hand. “That’s definitely not true.”

My shoulders slump, and there’s a crushing sensation in my chest, like my heart really might be breaking. I stare at the floor. “It felt true.”

Amy says nothing, but when I glance at her again, she’s smiling. “What?”

She raises a brow and nods suggestively. “You like him.”

“No,” I snap back.

She beams wider, and irritation slips like grease through my insides.

“Can you stop that demonic grin?”

She bounces on her toes, throwing a few shadow punches as she does it. “Do you want to fuck him? Because he’d be a great person to finally lose your V-card to. You’ve known him for years, and he cares about you. And he’s very experienced.”

I press my fingers against my temples. “How have you leapt to this?”

Amy stops bouncing. “Does he know you’re a virgin?”

Her question stabs into me and I can’t help glancing around the room to make sure no one’s listening, even though I already know it’s completely empty. “I don’t tell people that.” I wave a hand at her. “Except you.”

Amy nods solemnly. “He might forgive you for your craziness if he knew. If I were a virgin and Seb Hawkston put his head between my legs, I’d go crazy too.” Her eyes light up and she points two emphatic fingers at me. “You should tell him, and then fuck him.”

“Argh. No.” I lightly slap her arm. “Don’t say that. Do not encourage me. I don’t want to mess up this friendship forever.” I groan. “I don’t know if we even have a friendship anymore. He hasn’t sent me a GIF for weeks.”

“A GIF?”

I march to the side of the gym and pick up my bag from where I dumped it on the floor. Amy crosses to join me, swigging on her water bottle.

I pull my phone out, open up my chat with Seb, and pass it to her. She scrolls, a slight smile ghosting her mouth. “Aw, this is cute. His love language is GIFs.” She scrolls more. “He sends them almost every day, even when you don’t reply.”

I love getting messages from Seb. Every time my phone buzzes, my heart leaps like the damn handset is a defibrillator pad as I wonder if it’s from him. I try to sound casual when I say, “He doesn’t send them to you?”

“Nope.” She hands me back my phone, and I put it away. “I’m not that special. Whereas you—”