Page 155 of Wicked Refusal

Yulian blinks. “You’re apologizing.”

“He was your friend,” I croak. “Even if he’d done things, he—he was still your friend. Once.”

Yulian’s gaze bores into me for a long time. I can’t tell what he’s thinking. I wish he’d say something, anything.

Then he starts sitting up. “No, wait!” I blurt. “You shouldn’t?—”

“I’m the one who’s sorry.”

It’s my turn to blink.

Yulian takes both my hands. His body heat seeps into me. I have no idea how he can be so warm, not after all the blood he’s lost, but somehow, he is. And he’s giving it all to me.

“I’m sorry,” he repeats. It sounds so foreign, that word on his tongue. Yulian Lozhkin doesn’t do apologies. “For lying to you. And for everything I’ve put you through.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Last year.” He gives me an intense look. “I’ve been trying to make it up to you. To change for you. But I never apologized to you, and that should have been the first thing.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore.” I shake my head. “It’s in the past. It’s?—”

“It’s not,” he cuts me off, though not unkindly. “Not as long as I refuse to acknowledge it.”

“Yulian—”

“After my family died, I locked myself up. Shut down every emotion. I didn’t…” He takes a breath before continuing. “I didn’t want to feel that way again. Lost. Alone.”

My heart breaks for him. He never told me any of this, not in so many words, but I’d learned to read between the lines. Thought it was too painful to talk about.

But he’s doing it now. For me.

It means everything.

“I spent the next twenty years going through life without looking back.” His tone hardens at the memory. “Thought that, if I did, it’d be over. I wouldn’t be able to keep moving. But you can’t keep your heart locked away forever. Occasionally, astray feeling would come out. Those brief bursts you saw…” He swallows. “That’s what they were.”

The hot flashes. The ice mask.Suddenly, every piece starts clicking into place. Every emotion Yulian’s ever repressed—it never really went away, did it? All the rage, the pain, the heartbreak. It needed somewhere to go.

“I don’t like talking about it.” His gaze turns dark for a second. “I’m thepakhan.Having a heart… In this line of work, that’s the worst thing you can do.”

“Everyone has a heart,” I protest.

“I know.” He swallows thickly. “Someone recently helped me realize that.”

He lifts his hand to my cheek. My own heart is pounding, trying to burst right out of its cage.

“It took a little repetition,” he murmurs. “Took seeing it over and over to believe it. Maksim and Kallie. Anton and Zhenya. Kazimir and the Lozhkin Bratva. There isn’t just one form of love or devotion.” He brings my knuckles to his lips and kisses them. It makes me shiver all over. “But the one who taught me the most is you.”

Tears start gathering at the corners of my eyes. “Me?”

“You.” He starts lifting off, one kiss for each name. “With Eli. Kallie. Reese. Nik. Your parents, your sister. Our baby.” He lifts his burning gaze to mine. “And with me.”

“I didn’t do anything.”

“You did everything. You saved me, Mia. My life, my heart—you saved all of me.” One last kiss, just where my ring used to be.“You trusted me. And I’m sorry it took me so long to trust you back.”

The mention of trust brings my lie back to mind. Guilt floods me. “You did trust me,” I whisper. “You brought me back.”

“But I didn’t let you in.” He grasps my hands tighter, but never enough to hurt. “Because the truth is, I was terrified. What would happen if I did that and lost you? But then I was losing you anyway. Keeping you at arm’s length, never letting you know what I was thinking. I thought it’d be okay if it was my choice, but I was lying to myself. Do you know why?”